Bet your mom’s super-glad she squirted you out.
So I was over at HuffPo again, trolling for material, and found this “advice” piece titled “Caring For Impossible Parents”:
Q: I am a 56 year old woman with a family and a career. Needless to say I am busy. But lately I have to also take care of my mother. My father died five years ago and since then my mother has been a pain in the ass. I had never really focused on how much my dad took care of her so that we, his children, could live our own lives. Now she calls all the time and demands my attention but she ignores everything I have to say about her health, her care or her activities. A relationship with her is a real one-way street.
What really makes me feel bad though is that I watch my friends take care of their mothers and they don’t seem to be angry at all about the added burden in their lives. They are concerned about their mom, they talk lovingly about their mothers’ issues and they enjoy spending time with them. In fact, I often see them make the choice to be with their mother rather than with their friends or their own family. I, on the other hand, would rather be with my family or friends, especially devoting myself to my children. I enjoy giving whatever I can to everyone, especially my family. Nothing gives me more pleasure than watching my kids -I have three — become strong in their own lives and careers. I resent the time my mother takes away from the very people who ask so little of me -and give me so much in return. And I fear that I will be a burden to my own kids the way my mother is to me.
You’ve probably detected by now that I didn’t have a great relationship with my mother. I always felt that she put her own needs before my own. And when I had my own children I was actually surprised how, with great joy, I did just the opposite: they came first, always front and center for me.
The answer was basically - no joke - “you’re right, your mother sucks, you’re better than her, and you have every reason to feel the way you do.” WTF?
I really do need to take over all operations of everything, including advice columns. Try this instead:
Maybe your mother is “a pain in the ass” because she’s LONELY. I’m guessing she’s about 75-80 years old so surely many of her friends and siblings (and definitely her own parents) have died, and we know she’s a widow. What’s that spell? LONELY.
She’s also very likely anxious and worried about her health. It happens at that age and it’ll happen to you.
So she’s lonely, elderly, and anxious, and thus she calls you “all the time” and “demands” your attention. And you see that as a burden that you resent because it takes time away from your children and your friends.
Selfish much? Jesus. Do you think YOU didn’t take time away from her other interests and her friends when you were a baby and throughout your childhood?
It’s likely she senses your obvious hostility and resentment, which makes her even more anxious and needy because she’s scared that she will in fact die old and alone.
What is it about helping your own mother that’s so much less rewarding than focusing on your children? I have some guesses. Your mother’s not out there in the world making you look good, accomplishing things and growing and reaching new milestones. She’s just shut up in some house, alone, and the only people who’d know about whatever nice things you may do for her are her other elderly friends. There’s no glamor in that, am I right?
And what makes you so sure your own children don’t see you the same way you see your mom? I’d like to hear their take on your hyper-focus on them. You fear becoming a burden to them and you should, because you know better than anyone how horrid it is to have your mother “take time away” from your children. Let’s just hope your kids don’t spawn; they might be more interested in giving to them than giving to you. They’re learning that lesson as we speak, straight from the master…you.
By the way, if your children have “careers”, I take it they’re adults. How is it that your adult children need more of your time and attention than your elderly widowed mother?
So your mom ignores everything you say about her health and her activities? Welcome to a relationship with an old person. Most of them are like that and do you know why? They don’t like being treated like babies, for one, being told what to do and how to do it. Second, have you considered the possibility that you’re wrong? Maybe you just don’t know what you’re talking about. Maybe she doesn’t want you to solve her problems but only wants/needs for you to listen and to be there for her without bossing her around, which it sounds like you love to do.
I used to work in a nursing home and I met many people like you. Children of residents who’d show up every once in a while, act annoyed at how desperately happy the mom or dad was to have someone to talk to, try to prove how much they care by telling the nurses and aides how to do everything, and then disappearing for another few weeks. It was PATHETIC.
I even remember a few patients who did what you say your burdensome pain in the ass mother does - call one of the kids or grandkids on the phone every day. And those patients would tell me that it was getting on the kids’ nerves. You know what? That’s right…tough shit.
It’s BORING being elderly, you know. A lot of elderly people can’t do half the stuff they want to do, they don’t have a job or a family at home to take care of, and most of their time is spent sitting around, watching TV, and talking to whoever is available. God forbid they count on their own children for a few minutes of distraction a day.
Once in a while, my mom will say something to me about not ever wanting to be a burden to her children when she’s old. That’s really nice of her but totally unnecessary because amazingly, I wouldn’t consider it a burden to take care of the person who birthed me. It might not be fun, but good lord! She is my mother. She did more for me in my first 18 years than I will ever have to do for her. Dad, too.
You say your mom always put her needs ahead of yours. Yeah. I’d love to hear her side of that. Some people are just ungrateful brats, and maybe you’re one of them. Maybe not, maybe she was a royal bitch all your life. That’s terribly unfortunate, but unless they beat on you or otherwise severely abused you, you owe it to your parents to be there for them when they’re old and lonely. You just DO. Too damn bad if it cramps your style.
One last thing. Have you ever heard of setting boundaries? You took the time and effort to send a strongly-worded letter to an popular web site like HuffPo to explain in great detail how resentful you are of your mom. Perhaps that time and effort would be better spent sitting down with Mom and telling her that while you love her and want to be there for her, she’s driving you nuts with all the phone calls. If she is the mean lady you say she is, who cares if that hurts her feelings?
If that’s not it, and you’re just worried about hurting her feelings, then I’ve got news for you: you SURELY already have. If your resentment is so powerful that you’re writing to advice columnists about it, it probably isn’t that difficult for the source of it to pick up on. Sheesh.
I’m not perfect. I haven’t written to my Grandma in months. She’s 83 and lives in an assisted-living place in another state. But thanks to you, dear selfish letter-writer, I’m going to send her something today. You’ve reminded me of all this stuff, how lonely and bored older people can be, and that it really doesn’t take a whole lot to brighten someone’s day in that situation. Especially if that person had something to do with the fact that you exist on this planet.
This is one of the extremely rare times that I disagree with you.
My father is 54 and has terminal leukemia. I have spent a lot of time helping to take care of him. But when he refuses to listen to the advice of doctors, nurses, and his family, it can be the most frustrating thing in the world to try and help him.
He is not elderly, but he was a laborer his whole life and now can barely walk. I welcome talking to him and helping him, but when I watch him sit around and chain smoke, and not eat, etc., etc., yes, I get resentful. Do I love him? Very much. And as much as the woman in the post does come across as a bitch, I cannot condemn her for what she is saying. It can be tough taking care of your parents, regardless of how much you love them.
/.02
March 6th, 2008 at 12:48 pmDear Whoeverwrotetheletter,
Your mother may well be a pain in the ass.
But, she’s still your mother.
I’m quite aware that taking care of an aging parent who can no longer take care of his or herself can be quite challenging, but it’s still your responsibility to do it.
I suggest you do what you can to patch things up with your mother and enjoy what little time you have left together in this world. You will regret it forever if you don’t. Trust me, I speak from experience.
March 6th, 2008 at 12:54 pmI’m going to have to disagree with you on this. My mother-in-law is not a nice person. My father-in-law, who I adored, passed away nearly 3 years ago, and he did everything for that woman. My husband is an only child, and his mother has very few kind words for him, but demands that we do all kinds of stupid stuff for her, because she “doesn’t know how” (like change batteries, tell her whats wrong with her toilet because she’s too cheap to hire a plumber, etc, etc.). She lives 3 hours away, so it’s not like we can just hop on over after work. She refuses to move closer, she is obviously depressed, but refuses to see a doctor to get help, she is negative and selfish, constantly goes on and on about what a living hell her life is, and it’s draining to be around her. Holidays are the biggest chores, on Christmas day she insulted my husband, basically telling him that he was stupid because he couldn’t fix something, and he told her not to talk to him that way, so she ran, crying, to her bedroom, screaming that he was being mean to her. Then she threatened to kill herself. This is her usual M.O.
While the woman you quoted above does sound unbelievably selfish, I have to wonder if there’s a little more to it. And I do agree, she should be setting some boundries. I am trying to help my husband see that he needs to do that with his mother, and not let her guilt him into killing himself to do everything for her. We will do what we can to care for my mother-in-law, but she is not making it easy, and I know I am becoming more and more resentful of her demands. It’s horrible to see how she treats her own son, and I’ve sacrificed a lot of time with my own family, particularly on holidays, so she doesn’t have to be alone.
I should also add that my grandparents required a lot of care before they died, and I was happy to drive the four hours each way one weekend a month to care for them so my mom could have a break. I loved them dearly, my grandmother had Alzheimer’s, and it wasn’t easy to see her that way, but that’s just what you do for your family.
March 6th, 2008 at 1:03 pmI watched my mother take care of both my grandmother and my grandfather for years. After my grandfather died in 1985, my grandmother who was paralyzed on her right side from a series of strokes dating back to 1961 lived with us. There were times that I am sure my mother resented being my grandparent’s primary caretaker. She worked full time, had three kids, a husband in the Navy…it wasn’t easy. In 1977 my parents moved my grandparents from Phoenix to San Diego so my mom could take care of my grandparents. My aunt, who lived in the same town as my grandparents and drove by their house twice a day as she went to and from work did not give a rat’s ass and never went over there unless she or one of my cousins needed money. I applaud my mother for what she did for her parents. I know that my parents will never be alone because of the example she set for us. Even as adults, my parents, who are in their late 60’s, continue to be an influential part of the lives of my brothers and I as well as our children. I guess it can all come down to one concept: It’s about family.
March 6th, 2008 at 1:05 pmYeesh. The Mommy Tarpit. There are going to be some looooong comments on this one.
It can be so complicated, but in general I think what you have said is true. My husband’s dad was Hilter and my husband was Poland. Decades of badness. There are monsters in the world and sometimes we are related to them. But when it came to taking care of the Hitler dad in his losing battle with Lou Gherigs disease, we did it because it was the right thing to do, not because he deserved one damn bit of it.
My mom is out my life because she is a stone cold bitch. Trying to set boundaries with her resulted in me instantly being a non-person, like a former Chinese politician. Soon after the ‘boundries’ conversation, my condo happened to burn down - we lost everything, dog died, and I was supposed to be home at the time and could have died. She, to this day, has not said anything to me about it (no ‘Thank God you are all right, sorry about your dog’. Nothing.) Now that’s ice. fucking. cold. And it effectively ended our relationship. BUT, the minute she pulls her head out of her ass and says ‘Ok, let’s give it a try with boundaries’, I’ll be right there. I have the luxury of having siblings who are much closer to her (actually it’s her money they snuggle up to - she rules the family with an iron checkbook) and are taking care of her. If that changed, I would step in and take care of her, whether she had come around or not. There is a difference between honoring your parents and loving them. You can do one without feeling the other.
March 6th, 2008 at 1:06 pmI love Rachel Lucas. I was on board through the whole thing, but this gem made my day.
This has motivated me to call my grandmother (and my parents, whilst I’m at it.)
Thanks!
March 6th, 2008 at 1:16 pmObviously the woman’s mother is a failure. If she had done a satisfactory job of raising her daughter, her daughter wouldn’t be the kind of shitheel who thinks like this. This is what her mother sowed by raising her the way she did, and the harvest time has come. Raise broken children and they will be broken when you need them.
On the other hand, I have to demand that my parents let me pay their back taxes and get them out of debt with the government.
March 6th, 2008 at 1:22 pmMy mother-in-law was one of those whiny complainers who refused to take care of even the most simple of tasks. She is also addicted to pain-killers (but flat-out denies it) which makes conversations with her similar to talking to a bar-fly at 2:00 a.m. She used to verbally lash out at my wife quite often. My wife grew increasingly frustrated with her Mom but felt it was her duty to care for her because her Mom was, well, her Mom. I personally had a big problem with the way her Mom treated her, so we had one of those boundary-setting discussions. The result is that Mom has toned down the drama quite a bit. You know what was funny? The unacceptable behavior, she admitted, was just a ruse to get attention. Things aren’t perfect now, by any means. Reasonable people often disagree, and we have our days. However, there are only so many years left to be with one another and in the end all we will have is our memories. Personally, I prefer pleasant memories.
March 6th, 2008 at 1:43 pmlucy - Could your husband be one of my wife’s long-lost half-siblings? That woman sounds just like my mother-in-law. Is she morbidly obese, and have refused to do anything about it for the last 25 years, and tries to control everything you do? Does she drive away everyone who ever gets near her with her obnoxious opinions on their personal habits? Does she think everything said around her that she doesn’t find flattering is a personal attack?
I could go on…
Regarding the article: Considering the source, the descriptions of the mother’s behavior are probably exaggerated, but I have to agree with Phelps that it probably is at least partially the mother reaping what she has sown when she was raising this woman.
March 6th, 2008 at 1:49 pmYour most cogent bit of advice is one you did not follow up upon - setting boundaries. While true older folks do not like to be treated like children, when they act like children as this woman’s mother and Lucy’s m.i.l. do, you need to apply some child rearing techniques.
Just as you would a child, but with the demeanor of addressing an adult, you must let them know of your love, care, respect. You must tell them that with all that, they have been acting in ways that are pushing boundaries and that you want to establish, or re-establish, those boundaries.
Just what they are will change form situation to situation, but it could include limiting the number of calls per week; committing to spending time, in person or on the phone, with the parent; set limits on at home visits if they are distant; find local service providers (plumbers, pick up dry cleaning, food delivery, etc) for them to use and push them to use those services.
It requires the child to be the adult, and the adult to be treated with adult respect but a child’s discipline.
March 6th, 2008 at 1:51 pmRachel, you surprised me with your take on that, but what you wrote was moving enough that, even though I see my folks a few times a week, I’m calling Mom right now for the hell of it.
March 6th, 2008 at 1:53 pmThe funny (odd, not ha-ha) thing about reading this is that I’m a 45-year-old man who, due to illness, and not having a family of my own, spent most of the last year being cared for by my 75-year-old mother, who left her home in California and stayed with me in North Carolina for eight months.
I hate the fact that at this stage in my life I had to be waited upon hand and foot by my mom, when the “normal” thing would be for her to be the one being tended to. She raised me and my siblings — a mighty chore, I can tell you — and didn’t have to do more… and yet, when the chips were down and I needed help, there she was, a lifesaver in virtually every meaning of the word.
And the whole time, we both knew that in a normal world, our situations ought to have been reversed. She raised me, it ought to be my turn (and that of my brother and sister) to help her. Well, she’s still pretty spry for an old lady, and she has a wide (though shrinking) circle of friends to spend time with, so it might be another ten years before she needs regular assistance… but when that time comes, she knows she won’t have to worry about getting the help she might need.
March 6th, 2008 at 1:54 pmMy mother is a pain in the ass. We not talking typical calls too much, nit picks about how I raise my kid, and doesn’t like my gardening stuff. We’re talking false accusations that could have landed my husband in jail had we not been able to prove them false in court. Things I will be working my entire life to try and forgive. But you know what, I go see her every week. I talk to her nearly every day over email or on the phone. I have written on my calendar when her next biopsy is scheduled and plan to go with her if she tells me that she needs me to do so. No, she doesn’t listen to my advice. I don’t listen to hers either. But I am there because in spite of all her shortcomings, she is still my mother.
March 6th, 2008 at 1:58 pmPlease, please, please tell me that you posted your response at HuffPo and you should have added that the daughter should be elected to be the poster child for PRO-CHOICE advocates.
The woman is question is a dick.
March 6th, 2008 at 1:59 pmEven if your mother is a violent, cruel, mentally ill alcoholic, it is possible to grow up and be kind to her when she is a weak old lady. Don’t ask me how I know that. It must really suck to have lived your life as a violent, cruel, mentally ill alcoholic, so you can feel sorry for her and try to be a better person. Every generation a little better.
March 6th, 2008 at 2:02 pmI do believe there are mothers who lose the right to be called by that title (dad’s too, obviously) by beating, neglecting or murdering their offspring, but this woman’s mother likely did none of those things, or she would have said so in her pissy little note. Most mothers (and fathers) can be varying degrees of annoying, but they raised you into adulthood, and unless Mom or Dad is one of those aforementioned evil people, then you should step up and face the responsibility. Granted, I am lucky enough to have three brothers and three sisters to team up if this becomes necessary for my mom or dad.
March 6th, 2008 at 2:04 pmSee - coming from a dysfunctional family I don’t agree with the notion you get to treat your family any way you want - because they are suppose to love you unconditionally. This gives people carte blanche to be complete assholes. “Because you are family”!
And from a different perspective - sometimes this kind of thing can be a little like listening to chicks talk about their jerk boyfriends. They just want to complain. They don’t want to make it better. They don’t want to listen to anyone. Including their doctors. And that can be really frustrating.
Take for example my father in law. He does everything for his wife. She doesn’t even leave the house anymore. It is quite a burden on him. But to be honest - she could leave the house if she really wanted. But she is a professional patient. She gets feedback from being in the hopital when she could take her pills correctly. She feels like being that sick makes people care about her. My father in law gets feedback from feeling needed. Now god forbid - take the father in law out of the equation.. her kids are going to have to deal with that. It isn’t right. I’m sorry.
March 6th, 2008 at 2:05 pmoh I am disturbed by this… it’s so sad.
March 6th, 2008 at 2:10 pmOkay…I have tears in my eyes now because my grandmother turns 91 next month. I ordered her birthday gift yesterday but I should also prepare some photos and send her a card now. Because at that age, next month may not arrive.
I do not get down to visit her as often as I should…the last time being last year some time. I can’t even remember when it’s been that long. And that is pathetic.
I admit … I have serious issues with watching my grandparents get older. When my grandmother died I didn’t even want to go to the funeral. It was TOO painful! Just thinking about it now makes me want to start sobbing.
My mom has already told me that she’s going to be a pain in the butt cranky old lady. LOL But that’s okay. I can handle it. Between her and my mother in law we’ll definitely be busy taking care of them. My dad died when I was 8 and hubby does not talk to his father who lives across the country. I can’t do anything about that.
Sometimes people’s projection cracks me up. Yeah…her mother obviously raised a winner who isn’t selfish at all. Nooooo.
March 6th, 2008 at 2:12 pmLooks like her mother taught her well. My mom is a difficult woman - she can be a right proper bitch sometimes. She pisses me off, insults me on occasion and can just be the most obstinate, arduous person to have a relationship with. It is all about her, all the time.
But I can’t imagine going more than 2 or 3 days without talking to her. And when the time comes for me to have to deal with these kinds of issues (she is 72) I will do it with honor and privilege. It’s unlikely I’ll enjoy it - who would! But sweet jesus, my mom gave me a solid foundation on which to build a loving and successful life. The least I can do is deal with whatever she throws my was as she gets older.
Life is messy - suck it up.
March 6th, 2008 at 2:13 pmup until recently, i did not have a good relationship with my mother. she was always nitpicking at everything i did when i was younger and she was very highly protective and kept me very sheltered until i packed up to go to college. when that time came, i was SO glad to be out of the house and to finally get some semblance of independence. it’s due to her that i have issues with my body, my self-esteem (picture this: your mother tells you that your skin is bad, that you dress poorly, that your hair is like coarse pig’s hair, but then she says you’re so pretty and beautiful, and goodness, why don’t you have some self-esteem?), and a bunch of other issues. i’m seeking help now to get over these issues and my recurrent subconscious resentment of her.
however, i have warmed up to her in recent times. it’s taken a lot of time and some epiphanies that she was doing the best job she could and that’s all she knew. and just because i took it the wrong way does not mean that i won’t take care of her. i talked to her on the phone the other day and she knows that i still have resentment towards her, but i said “mom, you’re going to come live with me or near me, if however possible, and i’ll try to make that happen. i don’t want you in a nursing home.” and my God, i cried when i said that because however much resentment i feel or felt towards her, she’s still my mom and she still gave birth to me and took care of me and freaking changed my diapers all the time…so i’m going to try my best to take care of her when she needs it. you hit on a lot of good points, rachel.
and dammit, i’m crying right now. i’m such a damn softie.
March 6th, 2008 at 2:19 pmThough I know it won’t be easy, I will be caring for my parents and in-laws when the time comes. I love my parents and am grateful to them for bringing me into the world. My parents did not give me the kind of upbringing I want to give my daughter and I want her to learn that children are supposed to take care of their parents no matter what. I do agree with you, Rachel and think this woman’s time would have been much better spent being less selfish and actually talking to her mother. I think this woman is a lot like my own mother, only in reverse. My mom thinks because she is 50 years old she should be done being a parent, even though I am only 25 and the youngest is only 20. She wants to be able to have a friendship-type relationship with us and not have to do anything that resembles being a parent. If she does have to do anything for my brother or sister, who are not married nor have careers yet, she complains to me about it. We have had a heart to heart about it but she has not changed her behavior at all. I could get really annoyed and just stop spending time with her. Instead, I accept her for who she is and I will choose to take care of her when that time comes, because, no matter what she has said or done, I love her and owe her the same care she gave to me. I hope my daughter will learn not to do things for others based on the type of person they are, but because of who you are and the example you can set for others.
March 6th, 2008 at 2:23 pmI’m gonna disagree with both Rachel and most of the commenters here. There seems to be this common idea of ‘duty’ to one’s parents, whether you like them or not. Bullshit.
Your parents created you, and for that they accepted the duty of raising you. It is not reciprocal. Your only duty is to the people you chose to create.
It’s easy for Rachel, who actually likes her parents. Some of us don’t especially like our parents. Since some of us were ten.
Relationships are supposed to be a positive-sum game, i.e. both parties get more out of the relationship than they put in. With many parent/child relationships, it is not only zero-sum, but often negative-sum. I know people who trade a lot of their own happiness for a little happiness for their parent. They do this not from love, but from GUILT. How on earth can anyone encourage this behavior?
March 6th, 2008 at 2:28 pmWayneB-It’s entirely possible, everything is spot on except for the morbidly obese part. She’s a skinny little bitch, which may explain some of the crankiness.
March 6th, 2008 at 2:31 pmIt makes me sad about my mom because I didn’t expect the Boundaries conversation to magically fix everything - I thought it would be a starting point. It never occurred to me she would never speak to me again. The rest of my family pretty much followed her lead. One came to me and said mom would forgive me for suggesting boundaries, if I would just ask, and that’s when I realized how screwed up the lot of them were.
‘Family’ isn’t a License to Kill (emotionally, of course, not literally - at least in the context of this thread) and some times you just have to get out. I feel for people who have kids. Deciding to step back from damage for yourself is one thing but then do the kids get to see the grandparent? It’s a puzzle I don’t have to deal with, thank god.
March 6th, 2008 at 2:36 pmCarbo - good stuff. I can only clarify for myself, but the sense of duty my husband and I felt towards his dying dad came from our faith upbringing. Not a duty to the parent, but a duty to God. Our take on it is, it honors God to honor your parents, because we believe the directive to do so came from the Lord, and that settles it - for us. It’s also the reason we didn’t go about taking care of his dad with a sense of cold duty. We never showed back to him what he showed to my husband and when it was all said and done and he was gone in the grave, we felt like we had done the situation justice. Each situation is so different - assuming you are talking about a decent person who is truly trying to do the right thing, what that right thing is will be unique to each person.
March 6th, 2008 at 2:43 pmYour parents created you, and for that they accepted the duty of raising you. It is not reciprocal. Your only duty is to the people you chose to create.
Thank you, Carbo. My thoughts exactly.
March 6th, 2008 at 2:49 pmI have to disagree.
Your parents gave you life. Without them, you would not be. EVERYTHING in your life, you ultimately owe to them.
I don’t like my mom all that much either, but I fully expect to care for her when she grows too old to take care of herself. It’s the least I can do to pay her back for giving birth to me.
March 6th, 2008 at 2:53 pmThe parent-child dynamic is not very easy to categorize. To wit: one parent’s tough love is another parent’s cruelty; one parent’s forbearance is another parent’s coddling, etc. Perceptions play a huge role in how successful the presumed relationship is.
What we’re forgetting here is that this woman posted on Huffington’s Post. I think that would make her an asshole by default.
Chester
March 6th, 2008 at 2:56 pmmarla, as with all things Biblical, you’ll need to help me with definitions. What does it mean to honor one’s parents? Does it mean not saying bad things about them on blogs? Does it mean taking food out of your children’s mouths to feed them?
Samurai, I like your comments a great deal. You think well for a man your age, and you are not often disposed to hyperbole. So I can only assume you haven’t thought this one through. A man who owes EVERYTHING to another man or woman is a slave.
Before people decide I’m a total asshole, let me say that I’ve done a great deal to make my parents’ lives easier. I’m only rejecting the notion that it is my DUTY to do so. I do it because I voluntarily choose to, and the distinction is vitally important to me.
March 6th, 2008 at 3:02 pmRachel, I think you’re way off base here. I think everyone’s situation is different and if one doesn’t feel that attached to one’s parents it’s not a moral issue. Children have no moral obligation to take care of their parents in old age beyond minimal assistance. It goes against the whole purpose of reproduction.
That’s for sure!
March 6th, 2008 at 3:14 pmCarbo - not sure about the food out of the mouth question. Is that like - you are in a sinking boat and you have to throw out your mom or your kid? I don’t have kids and don’t get in boats, so don’t know what I’d do! : ) My hope is I’d throw myself out and swim for shore.
But on the other - I totally get your point and I’m not trying to turn theology major on anybody - I’m just saying this is part of the value system we were raised with and it’s part of us and why we decided to do what we did. The whole thing about venting about parents - or anything else - on blogs, if I told you my mom’s name and address and said That’s her - right there - hate her for my sake’ that would be dishonoring. I don’t think it hurts her for me to have found a way to interact with others on the web about issues we all share. I would liken it to a poor man’s therapy. Blogs are great for that.
March 6th, 2008 at 3:16 pmAck! Carbo - I just responded and the whole thing disappeared when I posted it. I’ll take another run at it soon
March 6th, 2008 at 3:19 pmI took care of my Mom through her short bout with cancer. After she died I stayed on to take care of Dad. Both were/are cantankerous, opinionated, picky people, also delightful, loving, fun and hilariously competetive at cards. I chose to care for Dad and Mom because they both asked me, Mom didn’t want anyone else touching her when she was so sick and in pain and Dad because he and I share a lot of tastes in a lot of things. Sometimes it’s a pain in the ass, Dad’s half deaf and gets cranky as heck when I ask him for the thousandth time to please don’t climb a ladder until I get home since he gets random bouts of vertigo, but it is a joy to see that he is cared for well and still allowed to be a man.
I really can’t imagine any of my many siblings caring for either Mom in her last sickness with cancer or Dad in his grief years after Mom died. I am the right person for the job. If you have the desire to care for your parents, then do it and don’t grumble.
However, all that said: if your only responsibility contributing to the practical care of your parents is to pick up the phone and talk them when they call, then you should frickin talk to them and do so with out having little temper tantrums like some 2 year old screaming for a lolly. Schedule the calls for when it’s convenient, but talk to them.
March 6th, 2008 at 3:46 pmI appreciate Rachel’s rant because she has some good points, our parents are a huge part of how our lives are shaped, in one way or another. Luckily for some of us we have good relationships. My mom was far from a perfect parent and she knows it, but she’s always been my rock.
There are other cultures that do take care of their not-so-nice elders, ie. Asian families, Spanish & Mexican, etc. are much more family oriented. Some have a “village” to help out though, i.e. large families.
I personally think there is some obligation, but not to the extent where the caretaker’s own health, family or wellness is compromised.
March 6th, 2008 at 3:46 pmCarbo - Ok, I don’t know about the ‘food out of the mouth thing’. Is that like ‘you are in a sinking boat and you have to toss out your kid or your mom’? I have no kids and don’t get in boats, so I don’t know what I’d do : ) but my hope is I’d jump out myself and swim to shore, get help and save everybody. Or get et by sharks. who knows?
As for the other - if I posted my moms picture, name and address here and said ‘Hate and harass her for me’, that would be dishonoring. But to talk with others here about my mom - or any other issue we all face in life and talk about here - in a way my mom will never ever know about it, well, I’m not conflicted. To me it’s better than therapy, it’s free and it’s anonymity makes this a non-issue for me.
The gist of my original point was that for some it is also a human-God duty belief system, not a human-human duty belief system. And with that the understanding that one is not superior to another, just different. It reminds me of a friend who is from a very traditional Greek culture and cannot marry until the older brother does. His brother is taking his sweet time about it, so the younger son is having to wait to marry. Does this make any sense to me AT ALL? No, but I understand and respect that it is part of his value system. I’m just saying people make the choices they do for lots of reasons and it’s all very complex.
March 6th, 2008 at 3:48 pmrachel, i love the ads on your page. especially the ones that are just freaking ironic. right now, there’s a “motherhood” ad with a skinny pregnant lady on it. how funny.
March 6th, 2008 at 3:49 pmMany siblings? 5-6-7? How many are we talking about here?
Hey carbo, I agree I help out my parents because it makes me feel better, not because of some ambiguous “moral obligation”.
There’s a difference between toleration and respect/acceptance. You apparently feel obligated to accept anyone’s culture, I don’t.
March 6th, 2008 at 3:53 pmThat reminds me of this documentary, which I bought for the sheer charm of it.
Every time I go to visit my mom in Floriday, I get dragged around on the old lady tour… and I don’t mind it a bit. These are the people who support each other, because most of them have children living a long way alway. I can’t imagine what my phone bill would look like if Mom didn’t have these pals… but whatever the bill, I’d pay it gladly.
March 6th, 2008 at 3:56 pmI said you ULTIMATELY owe everything to your parents. In the sense that you are the sum total of their efforts to conceive you and raise you. They made you the person you are. They taught you the values you hold. Without them you would have, literally, nothing.
You aren’t a slave to them by any means, but I simply cannot accept the notion that it is ever okay to completely abandon your parents (which, unless I’ve misunderstood you, is what you seem to be suggesting), unless they systematically abused you during childhood.
March 6th, 2008 at 3:59 pmMarch 6th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
Freedom lover: Not so! I reject the parts of any culture that are down right immoral. Child sacrifice in ancient culture - umm, yes, I do indeed have a problem with that. But the things that are not obvious moral choices (murder, stealing - the usual accepted stuff) I think you have to realize there are just people who look at certain things differently than you do and make choices you wouldn’t make. Remember, I’m saying this as someone who did in fact walk away from her family - but the ones that don’t aren’t gonna get a ‘you’re crazy’ from me. Honestly, that’s all I’m saying.
March 6th, 2008 at 4:00 pmBut why do you choose to?
I submit that you choose to take care of your parents because you feel a moral obligation, perhaps even a duty, to do so.
March 6th, 2008 at 4:00 pmI agree with you Rachel, the writer sounds selfish and I can imagine it’s not her mothers fault.
Who wouldn’t want to take care of their aging parent?
It is important to me to make sure my parents are well cared for in their final years. That’s the least I can do for them.
March 6th, 2008 at 4:02 pmDown to changing diapers? Where do you draw the line?
March 6th, 2008 at 4:08 pmWhy not? She changed yours for years.
Seems only fair.
March 6th, 2008 at 4:14 pmI’ll admit, I’m somewhat ambivalent on this one. I’m not particularly close to either of my parents, geographically or emotionally. In fact, to be perfectly honest, I’m not particularly close to any of my direct family, whether it’s grandparents, uncles, aunts, or even my brother. It’s not that I don’t love them or care for them - I do. I’m just not particularly close to any of them, that’s all. I can’t quite explain it or put my finger on it. We’ll call each other from time to time, but that’s the long and short of it. Interestingly, every woman I’ve been involved with has been quite close to her family, which is always fascinating to watch for me. They hang out with their families, they spend time with them, they spend holidays with them… yet I don’t, at least not frequently. This makes me wonder what would happen if one of my family members needed help. Thankfully, they’re all young enough where that probably won’t be an issue for another 10-20 years or so, but still… I wonder.
March 6th, 2008 at 4:24 pmBut MightySamurai, don’t you expect some compromise from her? It’s one thing to be willing to care for a parent you dislike, but when they refuse to work with you and insist that everything be done their way while they verbally abuse you, are you still morally obligated? Granted, my husband and I are doing what we can for my mother-in-law, because we think it’s the right thing to do, but it’s very frustrating that she refuses to make it easier for us, and, in fact, makes it very difficult.
I think there is a difference between caring for someone you don’t like and caring for someone who is downright mean, abusive, and uncompromising.
March 6th, 2008 at 5:01 pmYesterday morning, I went to the hospital to be with my mom so that my dad could go home and get some sleep after spending the night sitting in a chair next to her ER bed. Not soon after he left, she had a seizure. She recovered from it, but was barely responsive for the next several hours.
I thank God that I was there when it happened and not my dad or my sisters.
The fifth commandment isn’t just a good idea, it’s the law.
March 6th, 2008 at 5:14 pmCertainly, but I’m not going to stop taking care of her just because she drives me nuts. My dad didn’t do that with his mother, and I’m not going to do it with mine.
Make no mistake, I’m not saying it’s okay for a parent to be ungrateful to their children for taking care of them, but neither do I think that it’s okay for a child to abandon their elderly parents just because they are irritating to be around.
If their ungratefulness rises to the level of physical/emotional abuse, that’s a different story. But to say that it’s permissible for a person to abandon their elderly mother because she makes them pull their hair out is like saying it’s okay for a young mother to abandon her toddler for the same reason.
March 6th, 2008 at 5:16 pmI’m kind of in the same boat as Oatworm. I left home when I was 18. Not enough time or effort was put into maintaining close family bonds from either direction. My focus is on my wife and kids. Everybody else is on the peripheral.
Rachel’s position gives me something to ponder.
March 6th, 2008 at 5:18 pmDon’t impose your religion on me.
That’s as it should be. Now it’d be a perfect world where parents and adult children got along great and everything, but it’s not realistic for everyone.
March 6th, 2008 at 5:31 pmHey y’all:
My whole post was based on what was pretty obvious to me and I assumed would be obvious to all: the writer didn’t have any specific complaints about her mom except that she was a “pain in the ass” and interfered with what the writer would prefer to do with her time.
If she had said anything remotely like, “my mom was abusive to me growing up” or even “my mother is a hateful woman”, I would not have even touched this.
ALL SHE COMPLAINS ABOUT is that mom calls too often, wants her attention, and doesn’t take her advice.
Seriously. That was the crux of this woman’s letter, and the source of all her resentment.
No diaper-changing was mentioned. No hint that the writer is tolerating some actual serious BURDEN with a very sick and unpleasant parent. It’s nothing like that. Read the letter.
The tone of it, “I’d rather spend my time on my kids and my life” and the way she started out with the phrase “my mom’s a pain in the ass” - that’s what I see. I don’t see any allegations of abuse or improper behavior on mom’s part whatsoever.
And I didn’t say anything about it being your MORAL duty to take care of your parents. I just think you owe it to them, if they treated you with at least the BASELINE of decency.
I’m operating with the assumption - again based on the tone of the letter and the specific complaints - that this mother wasn’t abusive or even mean. Maybe just a little selfish. Big fucking deal. The woman who wrote the letter sounds selfish, too, but I sincerely hope her kids take care of her when she’s old.
March 6th, 2008 at 5:43 pmI am much, much more than the sum total of my parents’ efforts to conceive and raise me. I know you didn’t mean to insult me, here, Samurai, but Bonwick you!
I thoroughly rejected the values that my parents taught me and I am a better person for it.
March 6th, 2008 at 5:47 pmWhat the fuck, Rachel? Under what system of accounting do you owe something, then, if not morality?
March 6th, 2008 at 5:50 pmRachel - by “owe” do you mean to reciprocate good treatment? Honestly I can’t imagine what adult children wouldn’t do that. Except for above mentioned HuffPo idiot.
March 6th, 2008 at 6:02 pmI see a lot of passion in this discussion and from that it seems that all are responding according to their beliefs and values. Nothing wrong with that and that’s what makes us all who we are. FWIW, it would seem a shame if her mother suddenly died and unresolved issues remained. My mom suffered a series of strokes in the final two years of her life and sometimes it made it difficult for her to talk on the phone. My dad told me that she didn’t like to talk on the phone because she had trouble putting coherent thoughts together. I’m glad I took the time to call as often as I could (they in CA and me in ND) because I myself would have felt remorse if she died–and I hadn’t taken the time to thank her for the things she did for me and tell her I loved her. My $0.02.
March 6th, 2008 at 6:11 pmTotally agree with Carbo. Any scumbag can spawn — that woman who put worms in her salad to bum a free meal, for example.
I have three wonderful boys. They owe me nothing. I have every reason to believe that our close relationships will last a lifetime, not because I’m entitled, but because I’ve always treated them with love and respect. You reap what you sow.
March 6th, 2008 at 6:44 pmWow, I see a lot of dysfunctional, bad, parent-child relationships going on here. Damn shame.
Seriously, it makes me sad. Makes me feel guilty for having parents, while not perfect, did the best they could raising us, and today are a source of joy for all 4 of us kids. We love helping them, and kinda spoiling them for a change. Too bad that doesn’t seem like the norm.
March 6th, 2008 at 7:08 pmI’ll grant the woman comes off a bit self-centered based upon her complaints, but there does also seem to be a genuine sense of rejection underlying her letter. Is her rejection of her mother then — as so many commenters have already said — actually a case of the mother simply reaping what she has sown, or is it the daughter’s ultimate revenge because she’s still so angry? Damned if I know; I’m not her shrink.
Just for the record, it has been my experience that the parents who most need to have boundaries set don’t raise their children to view setting them as an option.
March 6th, 2008 at 7:16 pmI find that people who are lonely just need to be listened to once in a while. No evaluation, no invalidation, just listen and properly acknowledge what they are saying. This goes further than most would believe. And if one has decided to do that and is willing to listen to whatever is said, the time actually becomes calming. If one doesn’t make the time to listen, the time feels intrusive then.
Older people have a lot to say. Quite often, their information on history differs quite a bit from what one learns in school and the media.
March 6th, 2008 at 8:02 pmyou are lucky you never had an evil mother or mother in law. you might have a different perspective
March 6th, 2008 at 9:39 pmI dunno. I think she may have a point. If her Mom would just spruce herself up a bit…maybe develop some new hobbies that make her something other than an old gas-bag waiting to die, maybe she wouldn’t be such a drag. I mean, who wants an old person around unless they’ve got cash, or The Clapper, which is a ton of fun to play with?
Me? I make sure I say “old folks home” to my parents at least once a week, just so it won’t be such a shock when that day comes. Sometimes I just call and leave it on their voicemail, “Hey Mom and Dad. Old Folks Home. Love ya!” What a hoot.
March 6th, 2008 at 9:43 pmSweet Baby Jesus, Lucas, you are always right. I’m calling Mom now.
March 6th, 2008 at 9:51 pmIf a parent treated his/her children at least half-decently, then maybe he or she could expect (or at least hope for) some sort of reciprocity when the parent got to be too feeble to take care of him/herself.
However, in those cases where the parent fucked over his/her children every chance they got, up to and including getting physically violent with them (and the rest of the time being “merely” emotionally/verbally/sexually abusive with them), then HELL NO… you reap what you sow.
My father treated his first wife (my mother) and us, his children, like SHIT. He then apparently was really surprised that we didn’t hang around and dote on him in his old age. We three sisters, his surviving children (my brother wasn’t so lucky–long story) left home and didn’t hang around. My mother was better (to me, at least).
So… although he didn’t have a huge estate, he turned around and gave it to charity, instead of to the kids whose lives he damaged. I think of it as his final “fuck-you” after a lifetime of having fucked us over. And no, I don’t consider that we were “entitled” to his estate… but we were hoping for some small measure of reparations, as it were.
So… there was no way in hell either I, or either one of my sisters, was going to dote on “father dearest.” He was one mean son of a bitch. He didn’t like or respect women; in fact, he enjoyed hurting women every chance he could get. And he didn’t deserve good treatment from us in return.
To those of you whose parents treated you well: More power to you, and to your parents. And I hope you treat your parents well in turn.
But those of us who couldn’t wait to leave home–no, we’re not going to make nice to someone who treated us like shit. and there are plenty of offspring like my sisters and me out there.
It’s an argument for treating your offspring decently, because, among other things, they may be the ones to choose your nursing home–and if you’re not decent to them, you might be living in Nurse Ratched’s Convalescent Home–that’s if you’re lucky.
March 6th, 2008 at 10:16 pmYou’ve overlooked one critical detail in this post, Ms. Lucas. Would you please use the proper terminology? It’s “HuffPoo” with two Os. Gracias.
March 6th, 2008 at 10:21 pmIt’s enlightening to see how the other half lives.
March 6th, 2008 at 11:10 pmMy own mother was ill for most of my life, and when my Daddy died, I just knew I would be busy caring for her.
But no, she was so stubborn that she worked out the most outrageous systems to get things done without any help. For 9 years she managed all by herself, even though I begged her to come and live with us so we wouldn’t worry about her.
I worried all the time.
She never needed anything until she called me one day because she had “an awful headache.” That was the first of a series of small strokes, followed by a massive heart attack. she was gone in 3 days.
Now my mother-in-law is living with us, the Drama Queen.
We love her, but she makes us nuts. and she’ll probabl live to be ninety, enjoying the worst of health.
But to not take care of her…not an option.
god bless ‘em all.
Jesus effing Christ. You mean that HuffPo is in the advice column business, too? Sociopaths giving sociopathic aid and comfort? Bleh.
Thank God that my parents are still going strong.
And how I wish that any of my grandparents were alive. I would be the bestest granddaughter in the universe.
March 6th, 2008 at 11:12 pmGosh, Wachel, does this mean I don’t have to plan for retirement? I’ll just move in with you and the dogs. ‘ho boy.
March 6th, 2008 at 11:38 pmHah! As usual, mothers have the last word. Go Rachel’s mum!
( I’m a paid up, card carrying member of the old farts club - I’m allowed to agree with her
)
March 6th, 2008 at 11:45 pmLike Doanli, I too am saddened by everything I’ve read. My family is very close-knit, I love my parents dearly, and my siblings and I have regular “fights” over who they will move in with when that time comes. I am the oldest of four, so I throw my seniority around a lot.
The point is that we love being with them, we love our kids knowing their Bubbe and Grandad, and would consider it an honor to care for them in their old age. My folks have never had an extra cent to invest in retirement, but they invested the best of themselves into us four kids: their values, their love, their attention. So we’ve told Mom and Dad they don’t need no stinkin’ retirement, that WE are their retirement. They will never want for a thing.
I feel bad for even sharing that, because there are a lot of broken families here…but I am heartened by the fact that you all seem to be determined to build that kind of fun and loving relationship in your own families, no matter what you suffered in your own childhood. And for that, you guys are amazing.
Deep stuff. Now I’m going to go call my Mom…
March 7th, 2008 at 8:51 amI think there’s a line.
If your mom always had your dad all her life, and now that part of her life is gone, and all she asks from you is a little time and attention– try to muster up some grace and give it to her. It can be hard for parents to ask for that; some of them hate having to move to a dependent role, and it makes them cranky. Basic psychology, and will probably work itself out if you take control, set some rules, and keep your word. Hell, you may even get to enjoy her company once in a while.
However, if you’ve been cleaning up after your mom’s issues since you were 4, to the point that your own adulthood lagged years behind the curve, and now you’ve finally reached a modicum of productivity and independence– only to have her suddenly need you again because she’s out of resources… UH-gain…. Then no, I don’t think you’re particularly obligated.
One of the Great Ones, Kim du Toit, touched on this issue from the flip side. Elevator version: man worked all his life and always did the right thing, only to have his dream retirement snatched away when his son got some girl pregnant and the girl abandoned the baby. Once again, Grandpa was poised to do his duty, but he sure as hell didn’t like it. Wish I had a link, but it was an older post, and I read it on the archives months ago. Not that going through his archives is any particular hardship…
March 7th, 2008 at 8:52 amI guess I was lucky and got one of the good Moms. Here’s a conversation with my Mom a few years ago.
“What are you doing mom?”
“I’m going to pay for dinner”
“No you’re not.”
“I can buy my kids dinner if i want to”
“Not today”
“It’s Mothers Day and I’ll do as I please”
March 7th, 2008 at 9:22 amYou said unless she “abused or beat you”. Well, my mother did up until I was 16 and she hit me and I broke her arm and slugged her in the jaw. Thats what it took to stop the abuse she doled out to me from birth til that day.
March 7th, 2008 at 9:42 amNow she is sick, old and has been in constant pain for 10 years plus and the way I see it, she had it coming and still has 6 more hellish years to go before we are even.
Just because they are our mothers does not mean we HAVE to take care of them. I am the proud father of four boys and my parents showed me how NOT to be a good parent.
Freedom Lover: I’ve got 6 siblings.
March 7th, 2008 at 11:07 amVery very interesting conversations here. I don’t recall if I have ever posted here or not, but I visit here quite a bit. I think my mother is a pain in the ass. Sorry, but it’s true. After my step dad died 9 years ago, I started realizing everything he did for her. She never learned to drive so that’s been a real challenge. She is a very negative person and ALWAYS thinks she has something wrong with her medically. Countless trips to the doctor, countless tests that show nothing, a few trips to the ER in the past few years. I call her almost every day (my brother, who lives nearby rarely calls her). Every phone call, it seems even more so lately, is so negative. She’s a downer. She never feels good even though I know there is nothing wrong with her. I could go into all of this in great detail, but I don’t want to take up a bunch of space. She insists on me driving all the way out there to do some little thing that a neighbor who lives close by has said time and again she is willing to do. I go over there every Wednesday evening for dinner and spend every other Saturday with her. We go shopping, have lunch etc. I love my mom. I truly love her very much and enjoy my time with her usually, but she is a pain in the ass! My brother finally told her one day not long ago that the reason he doesn’t call as often as he used to is because she is just so damn negative. He said it in a loving way believe me, he wasn’t trying to be cruel. So, yeah it can be a difficult relationship with our moms and dads. I do what I can to help her. I know she’s lonely, especially after my step dad died (it was very sudden and unexpected) so I always try to keep that in mind. LOL- thanks for letting me vent a little.
Rachel, you’re awesome and I enjoy your site very much.
March 7th, 2008 at 11:09 amI’m an only child, so I can’t fathom your situation.
March 7th, 2008 at 12:57 pmMy dad made a mess of my childhood, he drove me crazy in adulthood. He was a totally selfish person and never gave me, my silblings, or my mom much thought. When he was in his 80’s he got very sick and for the first time in his life he wanted and needed me. You know what? I was there for him because no matter how bad he was, he was my father. Just because he was a failure as a parent didn’t mean I had to be a failure as a decent person. He did almost everything wrong but he did the best that he could. I’m certain of that. He wasn’t evil, he was just selfish…………….so what! There are hundreds of thousands of unfit parents in the world. But if you’re smart enough to know they failed surely you’re smart enough to understand most of them didn’t do it on purpose. When my dad died I was glad I’d been there for him because now I don’t have to live with regrets. How would I have benefited by trying to give my dad what “he had coming”? There is never a good enough reason to not do the right thing, but from the responses I’ve read there are a lot of people trying to justify just that. Sounds like along with the bad parents there are a bunch of sorry excuses for children out there……….
March 7th, 2008 at 5:50 pmR.L. Hunter, that sounds like my mom.
A real pain at times. Opinionated. Judgmental. Self-assured. But what a kick she was. No one could ignore her in a room.
Old people are - well, old. They aren’t special projects that will respond with rapturous joy & change their behavior.
I miss my mom. But while she was here, I attempted to interact with her and listen to her. Didn’t always accomplish anything, and she rarely (if ever!) took my advice - but why should she? How much of her advice have I taken?
March 7th, 2008 at 5:57 pmAbout 10 years ago, I lived in an apartment building in a city near L.A. where one of my neighbors was a man in his 60s whose days were spent taking care of his invalid mother. Not sure if he had a job at that point, but I would always see him taking trash bags of diapers out to the dumpsters at night.
The poor guy had NO LIFE at all. He was very afraid that his mother was going to outlive him or, as he put it, “live forever.”
Not saying that she had a duty to die, but taking care of her had certainly deprived him of much joy in life. He’d never married (probably didn’t want to, after taking care of her for so many years).
Redhead Infidel, I’m gladdened to hear about families like yours. I wish that your experience was the norm for everyone.
March 7th, 2008 at 7:59 pmRachel,
I actually skipped over many of the comments, because I just HAD to comment on the post you quoted from “HuffPo”. First, if it came from a commenter at “HuffPo”, I already know that, if I knew her, I probably couldn’t stand the bitch. Secondly, how does one so casually dismiss the loss of one parent, then rant about having to give some attention to the remaining one?
My mother passed away last September, on the DAY OF their 56th wedding anniversary. It came suddenly and unexpectedly even though she was 76 at the time, because both my parents were in excellent health and most of their immediate familied live to be very old (frequently over 100 on my dad’s side).
My mom used to call me all the time and my dispatchers got to know her from her calling me at work if I didn’t answer my cell phone. Usually it was just to touch base with me, or ask when I would make one of my infrequent visits, but she would always want to catch me up on EVERYTHING going on with the rest of my family, and often I just wouldn’t have time to talk while on duty, so I would duck her calls.
I ducked a couple of her calls just days before she went to the emergency room. When my dad called to tell me that he had to take her to the emergency room, I immediately went home (50 miles from where I live and work) to see her and speak with her. I went home that evening confident that she would shake off whatever was making her sick, only to learn the next morning that she had to be sedated and entubated, then transferred to a hospital here in Tulsa. She lasted a week in ICU.
My mother was devoted to my dad and her three sons. It was all she cared about in life, until she discovered…grandchildren. You can’t imagine how I AGONIZED over avoiding her phone calls, and how I wished that I had gone home more often to visit, like she always wanted me to. My dad took it REALLY HARD. They had dated since they were 16, and married at 20, so all he has ever known is life with her. I try to get up to my hometown at least every other week now to see my dad, because I learned that you just can’t take it for granted that your parents will live as long as you think they will.
Right now, knowing what I know now, I would give ANYTHING… no make that ANYTHING to have that woman’s problem and be damned thankful if I did.
March 7th, 2008 at 8:22 pmFor those who believe it’s okay not to care for your parents when they get old, because:
They abused you physically and/or emotionally,
They were alcoholics,
They were selfish or just plain crazy,
Or any of the other ways it’s possible for a parent to mess things up.
I went through some of those things. Turns out my mother was bipolar, and had multiple personalities; she didn’t remember a lot of what she did.
Luckily, I was able to go live with my father.
Time, and distance, helped a lot. When she passed away at the age of 60, we had had a cordial, if distant, relationship for years. That made dealing with her death a lot easier.
I hope you all can repair the broken relationships you have with your parents, too.
March 8th, 2008 at 8:53 amGreat post Rachael….. as I am up in Colorado visiting my mother (82) who prefers to remain here in her home state rather than move closer to her family in Mississippi (she feels like Mississippi is a whole differnt country and, perhaps, she is right).
When I’m not here visiting I talk to her every day, help her with her finances, taxes and any other way I can. If, God willing, she lives to be 100 (another 18 years), I still cannot possibly repay all she did to give birth to me, raise me, put me through schools, nurse me through illness and help me as an adult with my job, my children (her grandchildren) and my life. She has always been there for me… the least I can do is be there for her.
It is tragic that we, as a society, have forgotten the value and importance of family.
March 9th, 2008 at 7:59 am“And what makes you so sure your own children don’t see you the same way you see your mom? ”
Nothing, and in fact they almost certainly will, which makes this so ironic.
“You’ve probably detected by now that I didn’t have a great relationship with my mother. I always felt that she put her own needs before my own.”
I hope - I PRAY, literally, like to Jesus Christ - that there’s more to this bitch’s relationship with her mother than “I always felt that she put her own needs before my own.” Teenage angst is one hell of a grudge to carry for 40 years.
March 9th, 2008 at 12:57 pmI put my own Mom in a nursing-home years ago, after she got out of surgery to remove part of a tumor, that eventually got her, anyway.
I felt like a traitor and the worst possible Son a Mother could have. I visited as often as the Army would give me pass to do so. This was not very often.
I only wish I had the ability to sit around and complain about a ‘too-needy Mother,’ because mine is gone now. Hopefully, this woman who wrote the letter wakes up and gets her priorities straightened out. Her kids are ( as most of them are) resilient, and will be around much longer; its the Mom who won’t be.
Rachel, you made me want to go and call my mom-in-law and wish her a happy day!
March 10th, 2008 at 9:02 am(Original comment withdrawn based on Rachel’s comment)
All I would then say Rachel, is that I don’t agree with your inference that the HuffPorn woman would have detailed the crux of her gripe. But parsing inferences is obviously a matter of interpretation and so while I’m not sure I agree with your assessment, it is certainly a reasonable one. You also wrote some nice things that came more from you directly, it seems, and less from the presumptive asshat (who might not be such an asshat, we don’t know what happened and she might carry shame).
Like it or not, parents can destroy the bond and if they do, it isn’t the children’s fault. OTOH, a baby boomer displaying selfishness and a sense of self-entitlement? IMPOSSIBLE!
March 11th, 2008 at 1:31 amSome things can repaired, and some just can’t… for whatever reason.
March 12th, 2008 at 3:58 amI’m probably an anomaly I don’t have guilt for my parents leaving this world. See, they lived with me for their final years. They were great parents while I was growing up, then they supported me and their grandchildren when my marriage fell apart, with 3 small kids. Even when I was receiving all of $50 per week for over two years, from the father who was earning over $200k per year.
The divorce took over 4 years, my mom had a stroke in year 3, my dad sold the family home and took her to Florida. He gave me the downpayment for a townhome for the kids and myself. I’m still there and it got all of us through many a time.
When my youngest was graduating from middle school, they came again to attend. My mom broke her hip, surgery and rehab, then it broke again. After that, she wanted to be in my home. They were, for over two years. When the live in had to return to Europe, we had no choice, my mom went into a nursing home. After nearly a year, she passed.
Two years later my dad had cancer. After 6 months he wanted out and left, controlling as much as he could. We were fortunate, the nursing home was built and funded by a friend of the family, my mom had excellent care. My dad was able to be active up to a week before he died.
I’m so grateful that I was able to help provide a comfortable place for them to be in their final days. Couldn’t have done it without them. I know I wouldn’t have as accomplished children without them. They were there when no one else was.
March 23rd, 2008 at 10:27 pmI wish I had some of your people’s problems (the ones who think they owe their parents nothing, have parents who didn’t treat them as well as they might have liked, whatever).
My Mom died when she was 36 and my dad when he was 50. (Mom 31 years ago, Dad 23). I was with neither of them when they died; it was unexpected and sudden in both cases.
I wish I had your moral certainty about how little you owe your parents. It would certainly serve my purposes well. I could commend myself on how this all saved me hours and days of paying attention to them when they got old.
I could forget how much they did for me and meant for me, because, hey, I owed them nothing. They were no more than breeders after all, right? They bred me and I owed them zero! Gee, how convenient! What a wonderful way to think! Solves all our problems!
Anything I don’t want to do, I don’t have to do. And anything I do that I don’t have to, what a damn saint I would be!
I wish I had your certainty. I also wish I had my parents. I have neither.
You might not care for what I think, but I’m not sure I care what you think. I only see what I read, and it seems awful, um, convenient whenever anyone says they owe nothing for what was given them.
Actually, convenient’s the wrong word. Ungrateful works. Selfish works. But not principled.
March 23rd, 2008 at 11:23 pmMy girlfriend’s mom has lived with her for 13 years now. All you need to know about her is that she feels her daughter “can have a life after I’m gone”.
She was married to her husband for 3 years, never dated after her divorce, has few friends and combative relationships with her sisters, and delights in making her daughter, pretty much the only person in the world with a scrap of concern for her wellbeing, a living hell. My girl’s sense of duty is the only thing keeping her from kicking her mom to the curb.
You have to walk that mile, Rachel…
March 25th, 2008 at 11:41 am