Simon Cowell wants people to cry.
So do I, and thus I loved last night’s American Idol.
You know what’s funny? There is more controversy and conflict between me, you, and all of you with each other, regarding this show and my posts about it than there is about my posts on abortion and religion. American Idol, you either love it or you hate it. Tough titties for the haters - I’m doin’ this.
(I will make one concession: I’ll stick half of this post below the fold. I’m a compromiser.)
So last night was Dolly Parton night, and I like Dolly Parton so I’m gonna try to be nice about this, but what the hell Dolly have you done to your face? It’s just not…right.
Anyway, what they really should have named the episode was Simon Emotionally Abuses Everyone’s Ass Night. By my count, he sent at least five singers to the brink of tears and/or violent rage. It was absolutely fantastic.
Brooke sang “Jolene” and made the bizarre artistic choice to squint like a pirate every few seconds. Furthermore, not realizing that this is a sad song of desperation and fear, she SMILED a few times. Seriously, child. Get it together.
Simon delivered the first cruel blow of perfect hate while judging Brooke when he said the band looked weird and the violinist should have been in the shadows. Brooke chirped “okay! it’s okay!” but she clearly wanted to give Simon karate.
David Cook sang about a sparrow but who cares - he got a haircut! Holy shit, he got a haircut. And…what is this…can it be? I actually find him attractive? GET OUT. No, I won’t get out; he looks good. And he sings good too. I am Rachl Lukis, and I approve of this contestant.
Then, the Sour Midget took the stage and embodied the complete opposite of everything David just did. Her hair looks like that chick that used to be on Happy Days - Leather Tuscadero or something? Remember her with the modified feathery disco mullet? That’s the look Ramiele is sporting and it is most unpleasant, but not as unpleasant as her singing. I used to think she had a pretty voice but that was back when I had to keep the volume low because Rupert was studying. Now I crank it and have made the unfortunate discovery that Ramiele sounds like shit.
Simon’s Closed Fist of Death comes down on her, much to my gratification, when he says that her performance was exactly like what he would expect to see on a cruise ship. I’ve never been on a cruise ship, but if cruise ship singers sound like what you hear right before the karaoke bar closes and that drunk girl who’s been hogging the mike all night because someone told her she sounds GREAT is up there one last time trying to make it count, then Simon’s probably right.
Jason Castro is next, and before he sings, Seacrest lets him know he has a postcard stalker. Some poor girl with low self-esteem and too much time on her hands is sending tons of postcards to Jason with special messages. Jason looks frightened, or high. Mostly high.
He sings and sounds just like Tracy Chapman, and there is a mention of Jesus in the song, which I didn’t catch the name of because I was too busy trying to explain to Sunny that the chicken pot pie I was eating was NOT THERE FOR HER TO STARE AT.
Okay, here is where I spare the rest of you any more scrolling pain:
Simon is in a really bad fuckin’ mood, and tells Jason that his performance basically sucked the balls of desert camels. Being high, Jason took this critique right to his widdle heart, and I swear to God he almost broke into sobs. It was kinda hard to watch, like an angry donkey kicking the shit out of a tied-up bunny rabbit.
Then the Sleeveless Wonder, Carly, does “Here You Come Again”, which is a song I really like, and which she sang really well. Boo! It’s a lot more fun to blog about when they suck.
Simon didn’t let me down and continued his Rampage of Hate by telling Carly that she needed to have a talk with whoever is dressing her, because she doesn’t look good, and it’s that time of the competition when people need to start looking like “stars”. By which he meant, stop shoving that tattoo in our faces week after week. In case you missed it in the last thread about this, I have a tattoo, Rupert has tattoos, I like tattoos - but the particular one on Carly’s arm is fucking obnoxious, mmkay?
Anyway, after this gut-shot of an attack from Simon, Carly looked pih-hi-hiiiisssed. She shook her head, looked disgusted and offended, and skulked over to Ryan. I loved each second of this entire moment so much that it made me giggle a little, which Sunny mistook as approval of the chicken-pot-pie-staring and we had to go over THAT again.
Next, Lil’ David Archuleta got up there and sang a song that again contained the word “Jesus”. That’s really all I remember about it, as I am officially Over Him. Pretty voice but the never-ending earnestness makes me throw up in my mouth a little. Paula said something about his aura (the shrooms will do that to you Paula), and Simon disappointed me by liking the performance, so again, boo.
Also, the girls in the little Chuck-E-Cheeze Moshpit below the stage are perfect examples of the kind of kids you need to put on the pill RIGHT NOW. They screamed for David like they were at a bachelorette party, and I feel comfortable predicting that he will someday actually be raped by one of these young ladies.
Kristy Lee then sang that song about a poor girl with a coat of many colors that’s she’s proud of but the other kids make fun of her for, and she looked terrified the whole time. Is it just me or did she have that look girls get when they’re worried they’re going to fart on a first date with a boy they really like? Simon didn’t like it, hurrah, and once again we almost got to see tears on live TV. Kristy was MOST displeased.
Next, Syesha sat on a piano and sang “I Will Always Love You”, which was good until the very end, when she tried to blow our minds with a very very very very long note. I can’t believe Simon didn’t use the word “indulgent”, but he did say it wasn’t that great, and yet AGAIN, we had a contestant appearing on the verge of tears. What is with these kids this week? Are they all having their periods at the same time? Yeah, that includes Castro. I really think I’m onto something here.
Finally, making it all so worth it, Michael Johns sang a song involving something being so wrong but feeling so right, and the word “sexy” was in there twice. Aww yeah, sing it, stud. I was hating this guy the last few weeks but he made it all better last night, is all I’m saying. I’ll go ahead and feed the rumor that I’m preggers by saying that I think I got preggers while watching Michael’s performance. At the very least, I ovulated.
I don’t know if Simon made him cry though, because my DVR cut off just as Paula was wrapping up her blitherings and I have no idea what Simon said. You tell me.
So, my buh-bye prediction is the same as last week: if there is a God and he loves us, Ramiele will get the heave-ho. She’s the only one left who consistently sucks. Bottom three, I’m guessing Ramiele, Jason, and Kristy. I think I’m 2 for 3 on my predictions so far and I swear, if Ramiele stays, and even worse if she’s not in the bottom three, I am going to write a very strongly worded open letter to America.
This why we don’t have a TV. If it’s worth watching we just download it from the internet and watch it at our leisure.
Just think of all the time we save no having to switch channels…
DoubleTapper
April 2nd, 2008 at 8:13 amDoubleTapper@gmail.com
DoubleTapper, blogging on Guns Politics Defense from Israel
I don’t watch the show but from what I hear, it seems like Simon’s mission is to inflict as much emotional pain as possible. Maybe he was the kid who got beat up for his milk money in grade school?
April 2nd, 2008 at 8:15 amDolly Parton has a face?
April 2nd, 2008 at 8:31 amI would rather watch reruns of my alltime favorite talent program, The Gong Show. The talent wasn’t much worse than American Idol, and some of it was better.
April 2nd, 2008 at 8:44 amI’m worried about Michael Johns - the show ran three minutes over so no one watching it on TiVo got the number to vote for him. I’d say the average viewer should be smart enough to figure out the numbering protocol but these are the same people who saved Ramiele last week, so I’m dubious.
Prediction? Carly and her Tat of Many Colors will finally be sleeved tonight.
April 2nd, 2008 at 8:45 amDolly looked like she is going throught the transformation to Catlady. It was highly disturbing.
And I too loved Simon’s mission last night. I do not think he was correct on most of his assesments of the talent, but I find a curious pleasure in watching people loose their shit on national TV. If the Midget doesn’t go home, I will shave my eyebrows off (probably not. But you could imagine).
I know that I was the one that started the rukus about the tattoos last week, but you are right about Carly this week. She looked like a jockey from Hell. Red pants? Really?
When my wife told me they were singing Dolly songs, I was thinking to myself “What the hell are the Idol producers thinking? Two weeks of the Beetles, one good week, then this?”. But the contestants saved their asses last night. Remmy sucks, theres no real way to sugarcoat that one. I can’t wait for her to get voted off for the sole reason it will be the first time that, on live TV, eyeballs will pop out of their socket, flames will shoot out of the holes, and the head will explode. We are talking history here. But on that note, I would also not be surprised if people decided to send Low-Rent Whitney home just for thinking she had the talent to take on the song that put High-Rent (and good quality coke) Whitney in the Hall of Fame.
April 2nd, 2008 at 8:51 amI’ll say one thing, these American Idol postings make for the fastest scrolling in the blogosphere.
April 2nd, 2008 at 8:56 amLooove “Jolene”. Specially all the youtube-techno-remixes. Still looking for the darkwave version. heh.
Note: cruise ship singers, often but not always, sound “unfortunate”. Guidance: drink lots before listening. It helps to enhance the relaxation aspect of vacationing amidst a vast expanse of water.
April 2nd, 2008 at 9:02 amUm, my thoughts exactly. Michael Johns is so ridiculously hot - in both looks and talent. As for David Cook - yowza! The haircut looked fantastic, yet he still sounds smokin’ hot. Not a “Samson” is my Mr. Cook, thank the good lord.
And speaking of the good lord - can someone please explain to me little Archuleta’s appeal? Sure, he’s cute in a 17 year old horny for anything way, and he does have an amazing voice. I agree with Rachel - the earnestness, the whole I’m out to save the world with my music is old. It’s been done by far better talents that the little mister.
I think Simon’s personal comments last night were a little too much - especially fashion advice from someone who wears black t-shirts every night; sure they may be $400 t-shirts but…
Carly’s tats are who she is. I don’t particularly like them but they don’t detract from the talent, at least to me. But I have to admit I’d prefer it if we saw less of them - even a short sleeve would be better.
April 2nd, 2008 at 9:04 amDamn. Another 25 recruits for Al Queda. Rachel, don’t you love our country?
Lamont
April 2nd, 2008 at 9:05 amSimon can say all he wants about loving country music, but the fact remains that every season, every country night, he bashes the contestents to hell. He hates country music. Hates it.
Carly was pissed last night. Glad to know I’m not the only one who noticed. I was almost waiting for the sexual tension bantering between Ryan and Simon when Ryan spotted Kristy Lee’s “French pedicure”. Nothing was picked up on, so I would say that Simon was not in a good mood tonight.
Still, Simon gets the loudest applause when introduced at the beginning of the show.
April 2nd, 2008 at 9:15 amThere’s a website that has photos of various starlets before and after their plastic surgeries. I don’t have a link, sorry.
Anyway, its frightful. I think (just guessing) they have a facelift. They like it, or they don’t. If they like it they later have another procedure. If they don’t like it they have a procedure to correct the first botched one. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Next thing you know they all look kind of like Michael Jackson’s nose - or even worse.
Simon’s job *IS* to make people cry. That’s one reason why I don’t watch the show (but my wife does). I can’t stand to watch these kids get pummeled by a bully on national TV. I just can’t take it, it makes me squirm. I can’t even be in the same room with it when my wife is watching.
April 2nd, 2008 at 9:19 amYou’re giving cruise ship performances too much credit here. They really can be that bad.
A cruise might be good for you readership, though. Three days and four nights of watching people get needlessly drunk and get herded through buffets for 23.5 hours a day when they’ve already paid for the nice sit down dinner with actual, you know, waiters, and what not would probably make for some pretty entertaining reading. But hey, there’s fried stuff to be consumed so get after it…and be sure your plate is heaping because it’s not like they’ll let you go back for more or anything…
April 2nd, 2008 at 9:26 amThis killed me! A perfect description.
April 2nd, 2008 at 9:35 am“I Will Always Love You” is a particular bugaboo of mine. I hate the version by the overrated Whitney Houston. She shouts it. Unfortunately the judges, along with everyone else in this arena, seem to have a universe that’s limited to pop. If you want to hear a version by someone with a great voice who actually sings the song, listen to Linda Ronstadt’s version. And Dolly’s, of course.
April 2nd, 2008 at 10:01 amNo, Sunny, this is mah pot pie!
April 2nd, 2008 at 10:22 amI’m starting to love American Idol. I’d never watch it, but I adore the ranting.
April 2nd, 2008 at 10:32 amAnybody who can’t figure out that his number was probably 866-idols-09 is probably too dumb to dial the phone anyway.
April 2nd, 2008 at 10:45 amI’m getting to the point to hell with the remaining 9 or so weeks of AI, David Cook wins and we all move on with our lives. I wish they would lose 2 contestants a week and end this thing sooner. Simon was spot on with Carly’s wardrobe. It sucks and ENOUGH with the tatoo. Yeah, we know you have a tatoo. Your husband’s tatoo is even scarier. Sorry but I’m going thru “24″ withdrawal and I’m not nice.
April 2nd, 2008 at 10:56 amI actually just started watching Idol. I’ve never watched any previous seasons. Reason being, David Cook is our local hero right now. Glad to know he is actually talented!
Rachel, you crack me up.
Agreed about Ramiele. Hope she’s next to go.
April 2nd, 2008 at 11:02 amAnd David Cook performed while having heart palpitations (see tmz.com or e network, I’m not linkin’) from hi blood presure. Performing on AI == worth more than your life?
Rami must go and I want to stalk Michael Johns with postcards after that performance.
April 2nd, 2008 at 11:15 amI laughed my butt off when Simon told Carly she needs to speak to whoever is dressing her, that is what I have been saying for several weeks now, and of course, Rachel hit it on the nose when she said Carly needs “sleeves, girl, sleeves”.
I think she has a great voice but will never win because she doesn’t have “the” look. Covering up those arms would help a WHOLE LOT!
April 2nd, 2008 at 11:35 amBest comment ever…
ROFL I stop watching AI after the judges no longer have any influence in who gets kicked off. But I love reading this.
April 2nd, 2008 at 11:37 amSo, does anyone know what Simon did say to Michael Johns? I had the same problem as Rachel - my DVR stopped recording the show just as Paula wrapped up her babbling. I really hate it when the show runs over, and I have a quick way to fix it. Ryan Seacrest? You say NOTHING but the intros and the phone numbers. That’ll speed things up!
April 2nd, 2008 at 12:08 pmI didn’t think Carly was pissed, I actually thought she was going to cry. Remember last week, she joked that she had a hard time breathing in her Spanx (because she was trying to look skinnier for the cameras)? I think she feels like a big cow next to those little teens (Hollyweird’s nefarious influence on her sensitive Irish soul, because anyone can see that she is not overweight). I think Simon really hit her where it hurt. I felt bad for her.
I will say that ever since someone mentioned in a previous thread that they don’t know whether to look at the face on her head or on her arm, I can’t stop staring at that face on her arm. It’s just too huge. And I now must concur with Rachl’s imperial demand for sleeves.
In any case, Carly has the MOST amazing blue eyes, and they sparkle like sapphires whenever she opens her eyes a little when she’s singing, and for that I love her. In a platonic, non-lesbian kind of way.
April 2nd, 2008 at 12:58 pmAs for the girl hogging the mike cause someone told her she sounds great….I KNOW HER! She’s my friend’s 21 year old daughter who is our regular DD. She shows up late, crams a few songs in, and no matter how drunk I already am, makes me want to drink more so I won’t remember the experience of hearing her sing the next day. She has her moments when she actually does hit the right note, but mostly, the more she sings with feeeeeeeeling, the louder and worst she gets. Then she comes back to the table and her mom gushes about how great she sounded. ARRRRRRGH! Obviously she can’t hear herself at all, sometimes singing an entire song two notes off key. Makes me want to shove hot burning needles in my ears to make them feel better.
April 2nd, 2008 at 1:06 pmI just noticed that we had “Hell’s Kitchen” recorded on the DVR after AI, so it picked up the last comments:
Paula raved at Johns something like, “You’re gorgeous!!” after which Simon intoned, “You know I think it’s been an interesting night, Michael, but I have to say something to you…I think this is the best I have heard you sing throughout the whole competition.” Then Paula hollered “YES!” and the place erupted in cheers
That’s it.
And for the record, I’ll gladly have Chef Gordon Ramsey’s babies, that magnificent Scot. He makes grown men and women cry like babies and (as Rachl would say) I’m pretty sure I spontaneously ovulate.
April 2nd, 2008 at 1:43 pmI have posted about Dolly and her face before. It breaks my heart. She looks worse than Michael Jackson.
April 2nd, 2008 at 1:49 pmSimon said it was the best vocal he had ever heard from Micheal. I would like to love Micheal as much as Rachel does, but my husband has such a huge man-crush on him that I don’t want to fight over him. Luckily David Cook got that haircut so I can crush on him now!
April 2nd, 2008 at 1:52 pm“If you want to hear a version by someone with a great voice who actually sings the song, listen to Linda Ronstadt’s version.”
What Craig C. said.
April 2nd, 2008 at 3:13 pmI was amazed to discover that it isn’t anywhere to be found on YouTube.
April 2nd, 2008 at 4:05 pmYou have got to listen to this!!!!!!!!! Brittain’s version of AI basically.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UZ3zNb6ryhE&feature=related
Holy crap! If you do NOT get a tear in your eye, there is something wrong with you! I almost cried like a 2 year old!
April 2nd, 2008 at 6:06 pmElisa: I don’t watch AI, but I do like country music. Perhaps what Simon is expressing is the fact that he likes country music enough to tell these kids that they don’t know how to sing it properly. Even Carrie Underwood is more pop than country.
April 2nd, 2008 at 6:10 pmAnd this one! No one in America should even try to touch Whitney Houston EVER again! It’s hard to believe this girl is only 6 !!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I7j8NhBtnpw&feature=related
April 2nd, 2008 at 6:11 pmBecki
That little girl was great but she didn’t win. An opera singer surnamed Potts won. His first time on brought tears to my eyes. Here’s the link. I believe he just came out with an album (and got his teeth fixed).
April 2nd, 2008 at 7:20 pmhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DelJrP3P7tA
What is it about perfectly presentable women having so much plastic surgery? It looks like Dolly has indulged just a little too much. Most notable are the lip implants. Those make people look like Daffy Duck.
April 2nd, 2008 at 7:44 pmOMG, Michael Johns likes floating head shirts. We gotta get him another one. (And Dolly totally ripped that off.)
April 2nd, 2008 at 8:10 pmBev, I know she didn’t win………I, too, saw the final show.
I’m the end of the night karaoke-ier and can only wish I had half the talent of these singers.
April 2nd, 2008 at 9:46 pmOH and thank God America has come to their senses and are treating AI this year as an actual competition instead of a freak show (remember pony tail mohawk what’s his face??)
GOODBYEE_EEEEEEE RAMIELLE!!!!!! I heard Carnival Cruise Lines is hiring!!
April 2nd, 2008 at 9:49 pmOK, I am a crank when it come to tattoos, so Carly and her billboard arm makes me wonder if her brain can operate in common sense mode. Her husband gets only a shutter click of his place in the audience and his tattoos belong in a side show. He has a bunch of face and neck junk that you do not want to see while alone on a dark night. I imagine Carly got tattoo raped when she got mixed up with him. Hopefully, she doesn’t have a leprechaun where her tramp stamp should be. I’m glad I won’t be around when all those tattoos turn to hanging flab on old broads with blue hair who cackle and pass wind at the home.
Carly could also benefit from a personality enema.
I am sorry Brooke has gone pale. She is such a transcendent personality and I really like her voice. She has big problems with phrasing and breath control and I am surprised Simon hasn’t called her on it.
April 3rd, 2008 at 10:40 amSimon should run for office. The man is always right, isn’t afraid to speak the truth no matter how unpopular the truth may be and he makes no apologies about any of it. People still love him, despite how much they “disagree” with what he says and eventually they realize he’s always right. The liberals must HATE him.
April 3rd, 2008 at 4:32 pmI became a zombie for Davic Cook because of Rachl Lukis. When I discovered the studio length version of “Billie Jean” on iTunes, I squeeked with delight. Then, I sought and acquired the studio version of “Little Sparrow” and, again, I squeeked. Hey, I’m joyous. And, I don’t “squeek” in public, so. Yes, the hair cut was a major improvement but with his amazing total “it” factor, the hair was no prob. I so want him to win … but maybe coming in second would be better, if you know what I mean. I am saying a prayer, burning a twig of incense, making burnt offerings (so easy in my kitchen), paying off fools who won’t be nice.
April 8th, 2008 at 12:18 am