Because I’m willing to fight so, so dirty.
UPDATED! Because I have handicaps!
Hey man. The questionnaire says the little turds will be merciless and show no fear. Kind of like The Flood in Halo 2.
Got this from Andrea Harris, who can only take 14. She must not see children as hairless feral animals like I do; that’s really the key here.
UPDATE: God, I feel important when I type UPDATE!
Just, listen here. Everyone thinks they’re soooo Bad Ass because they can waylay more munchkins than I can. All I have to say about that is hello? Did you notice the first several questions? It’s all about arm reach and height and martial arts skills and how many fights you’ve ever been in. This is a good time to remind you punks that I am 5′3″ and weigh about 113 pounds, and I’m so incredibly pleasant to be around that no one has ever picked a fight with me, thus robbing me of ass-kicking experience. I’m just saying. Ah’s gots sum handeekapz.
Hell, the only reason I got a score of 20 broken-necked 5-year-olds is because I answered “oh god YES” to the questions about whether I’d be willing to use them as weapons against each other and whether I’d fight dirty. Because I totally, totally would.
I kinda want to leave this post at the top indefinitely just to see how long it’d take for some jerkoff to come on here and express “disappointment” that we’re all joking about beating the crap out of children. We could even start a Whiny Bitch No-Sense-of-Humor Betting Pool.
23!
April 10th, 2008 at 12:30 pm22!
In your face!
April 10th, 2008 at 12:31 pm31! So stay off my lawn you little twerps!
April 10th, 2008 at 12:35 pm23–because i would have no qualms about using them as weapons!
April 10th, 2008 at 12:37 pmSweet, I got a 22.
The way the scenario is set up, the only thing child-like about the enemy swarm is their inherent size and strength.
Trick to wining, beat one unconcious, pick him up by the ankles, and swing him around as a heavy club into the other kids.
April 10th, 2008 at 12:38 pmI also got 20. Should I feel bad ’cause you’re a girl?
April 10th, 2008 at 12:50 pm25 of those little bastards.
April 10th, 2008 at 12:59 pm30! Ha! A whole classroom’s worth!
April 10th, 2008 at 1:02 pmWhat a bunch of wimps. 37!
Of course, I assumed that they would indeed be merciless and show no fear, which guided my answers somewhat. If you offer no quarter, expect none.
April 10th, 2008 at 1:03 pm27 - And I’m out of shape. There is no such thing as a fair fight. All that matters is that I’m still standing at the end. Life is not fair and the Universe doesn’t care.
April 10th, 2008 at 1:06 pm24, I guess cuz I’m bigger than you.
April 10th, 2008 at 1:08 pmEnder Wiggin is my inspiration. He was, what, 5 or 6 the first time he had to kill to save himself? And it was a bully his own age. When you fight, you don’t just fight to win this fight, you fight to win every fight after it too.
April 10th, 2008 at 1:11 pm28!
April 10th, 2008 at 1:15 pm31, those little bastards might get me in the end, but I’m taking a whole classroom full of them with me!
April 10th, 2008 at 1:18 pm21 - can’t believe it. Must be the long reach.
April 10th, 2008 at 1:18 pm33, but that’s going easy on them.
I will be testing for my black belt in Tae-Kwon-Do in a couple of months and have had to spar with the little shits (ages 7-12) over the last 3 years (for their benefit, not mine).
Occasionaly one of them thinks he/she is your equal (usually it’s the girl) despite being nearly two feet taller and having a 140lb weight advantage. A quick jab in the solarplexus quickly disabuses of that notion until the get their next belt, then it starts again.
April 10th, 2008 at 1:21 pmI can do 22, which has to be wrong, because Rachel is far more ruthless than I.
April 10th, 2008 at 1:28 pm24 for me.
I was thinking in terms of Russian bezprizornye—the feral children that plagued Russia after the Revolution.
Or Rio street children. In swarms, even little kids can be damned dangerous.
April 10th, 2008 at 1:34 pmI got 21 of those little curtain climbers! I have kids but I’d use these ruthless twerps as weapons! Survival baby! And I hate losing! …big time!!!!
April 10th, 2008 at 1:39 pmOMG !! I just did the other quiz about what my dead body would be worth….$3575.00. That’s it? There weren’t any questions about how pretty my skin is, someone mauled by their dog might want it! (no offense to dog owners as I KNOW all dogs aren’t evil)
Please just bury me or sprinkle me over Rio! I’m going to put these quizzes on my blog site. Rachel, help me!
April 10th, 2008 at 1:44 pmI can handle up to 25 apparently. Must be that Aikido training. Plus my cold-blooded killer mindset, honed by many sessions of Doom and Quake and Halo and the like.
Mind you, the two I’ve got seem to push me to my limits already, so I’m not entirely sure how accurate that web site’s results are.
April 10th, 2008 at 1:47 pmYea, me again…another quiz..I’m 29% geek….
April 10th, 2008 at 1:52 pmIf I am thinking right (crapshoot there), armies that consistently killed 20 enemies for each loss of a friendly did pretty damn good either conquering or defending being conquered.
Let’s see, you can estimate how many guns your minions have, how much money we make -oops EARN, and now how ruthless we are capable of being in the face of the strangest of human conflicts.
What in the hell are you up to, Rachel?
If only jihadis were all the size and weight and only have the fighting skills of 5 year olds, I’d be good for 34 of those fuckers in pure hand to hand combat.
April 10th, 2008 at 2:00 pm26, baby!
(Ruthlessness, a little martial arts training and long arms go a long way, even in a fat old man.)
OTOH, you people in the 30’s frighten me. (Can I be on your team when the 3-foot-tall, 50 lb. alien invaders arrive?)
April 10th, 2008 at 2:07 pm28 for me!! Not the top, but pretty good.
Take that you little jerks.
April 10th, 2008 at 2:08 pmI’m a bouncer at a nightclub in a big city… on the slower nights, when one has time to kill, you search for things to talk about to pass the time…
This topic was brought up a few years ago, and has become a right of initiation for the new guys… eventually everyone gets asked.
Of course there’s a website about this… of course.
Too funny.
April 10th, 2008 at 2:17 pmOh, and 33, btw….
April 10th, 2008 at 2:17 pm31, but Tully must be the baddest mo-fo on the block with 37. He would do really well debating the Obamaniacs in person, hmmmmm?
April 10th, 2008 at 2:32 pm32 of the little buggers.
April 10th, 2008 at 2:39 pmI guess being an ex-cop helps.
I also take inspiration from OSC’s “ENDER” as well.
Don’t know WHY my previous post didn’t show, but I can take 32 of the little buggers.
April 10th, 2008 at 2:40 pmThe baddest mo-fo against 5-yr-olds, anyway. If I were a kindergarten teacher, my career would be ensured. Too bad mine are older than that.
Musta been the bonus points from having been in a lot of fights, or from having been trampled, or maybe it’s the complete lack of moral compass. Hey, they SAID the kids would be ruthless, and having kids I know what that means, so….
I don’t know how much being able to kick over three feet could really help you–just how tall are these 5-yr-old kids, anyway? But swinging one like a baseball bat couldn’t hurt.
April 10th, 2008 at 2:42 pmThis quiz is more fun.
April 10th, 2008 at 2:54 pmLukcas fights like a girl. I get 26.
April 10th, 2008 at 3:05 pm25 five-year-olds! I knew there was a reason I liked you, Rachel!
April 10th, 2008 at 3:09 pm21
Good practice for the zombie/Democratic voter hoardes.
April 10th, 2008 at 3:13 pmOk, so the first thing I thought when reading the ground rule about “no weapons” was “except the kids themselves” so I was glad to see that question at the end. I got 30, but I’m tall and fast and have a smattering of self-defense training. Oh yeah, I’m also 69% Geek (but I don’t think that detracts from my fight score; it just means I can be more creative against the little rodents).
April 10th, 2008 at 3:20 pmI got 36.
36
Yay! I think?
April 10th, 2008 at 3:21 pm35. So the next time that class trip gets on my nerves at the aquarium…
April 10th, 2008 at 3:23 pm30. I’m old, but big and I hate kids.
April 10th, 2008 at 3:35 pm23. It’s that old and fat thing that got me.
Kill them all. God will know his own.
April 10th, 2008 at 3:43 pm“Update”
The “oh god yes” cracked me up real good for some reason.
The resulting squawk of laughter heard from my cubicle no doubt got my boss’ attention. Again.
Just wondering when this will be a standard undercard thing for the UFC.
“Gillette presents _____” (can’t think of a name)
April 10th, 2008 at 3:47 pmAnd some schmoe steps in there and just fucking goes for it (Okay. Fine. Kids padded well. Schmoe only gets a cup or titty protection). They could have a drawing, like those lucky bastards that get to throw a football, kick a field goal or shoot a basket for a million bucks.
30, but only because I’m out of shape and lack any proper martial arts training. I have, however, been in a fair number of fights, and I’m reasonably tall, so there you go.
With proper training, I can finally get above the local median here. *grin*
April 10th, 2008 at 3:56 pm37 knee-biters
April 10th, 2008 at 3:57 pm26!
And I even admitted I was over weight…but wait, maybe that’s an advantage?
April 10th, 2008 at 3:59 pmI am eerily reminded of the Seinfeld episode when Kramer wound up in a karate class with a bunch of 12 year olds…
April 10th, 2008 at 4:22 pmWell, the quiz says I could take out 19 of the little buggers, but I know from experience that my limit is one 5 year old and a 60lb dog. They tag team. The worst part is that my wife taught my daughter what a wedgie is and she thinks that’s the funnest thing in the world to do to dad.
April 10th, 2008 at 4:29 pmI’m so disappointed that you’re all joking about beating up little kids.
…oh wait, no I’m not. I scored 23.
April 10th, 2008 at 4:51 pm30 But I’m old and short. (Personally, I think one should get extra credit for short, ’cause you’re down closer to the nitty gritty and don’t have to lean over to gouge out their eyes. Oh, well. Not bad for an old guy, I suppose.
April 10th, 2008 at 5:25 pmI work in a public library - I’m all in favor of beating the crap out of children.
April 10th, 2008 at 5:28 pm3o… but I have fought a lot of five year olds over the years, just not in groups
April 10th, 2008 at 5:32 pm“Raving Lunatic Says:
35. So the next time that class trip gets on my nerves at the aquarium…”
Wouldn’t it be easier just to feed them to the sharks?
April 10th, 2008 at 5:32 pmOh yeah? You’re all so bloody tough, aren’t you? Well. I’m only 6 but I’m big for my age (6′1 and 252 lbs) and I have a bunch of fat, ixnay that, big friends who are roughly the same age. Er, you were speaking of mental age, right?
So, you want a piece of me!? Do you punks feel lucky? Well do you? I won’t be laid a hand on and I won’t be insulted. I don’t do these things to other people and…and…whatever? So, come and get me, you dirty rats. Oh, oh, I hear my mother calling me.
I’ll be back.
April 10th, 2008 at 5:58 pm“I answered “oh god YES” to the questions about whether I’d be willing to use them as weapons against each other”
Almost choked to death reading that (note to self: really should not read Ms. Lucas without making sure there’s someone here to dial 911!).
So then I had to have a go.
22! Prolly just because I’m bigger and heavier than Ms. Lucas — I was pretty soft on the later questions. But — w00t? — I have been trampled before. By sheep. Seems a dubious distinction and not necessarily an advantage, but there it is.
April 10th, 2008 at 6:12 pmHey Rachel, your blog is referenced, top of the new post at thenoseonyourface.com
way to be famous for superior potential at beating small children!
…I got 25! Those years of kickboxing pay off!
April 10th, 2008 at 6:32 pm28!
April 10th, 2008 at 6:32 pm17…. hey, I’m old and fat! Wadda want?
April 10th, 2008 at 6:43 pmUm, You know something we don’t?
LOL…
and… No, I’m not the white house…
April 10th, 2008 at 6:49 pmRachel! My asshole orange cat could take 20! So I KNOW you can take more than 20! You’re bigger than my orange cat! Although, I can’t say you’re meaner or more cunning. Smarter, yes. But, for a 13 lb male cat, he really IS an ASSHOLE! That’s why I’ve kept him all these years!
April 10th, 2008 at 7:26 pmNah, I’m just weak and out of shape. If only seeing the kiddies as feral animals was enough, I could take 100.
April 10th, 2008 at 8:12 pm25!
April 10th, 2008 at 10:06 pmI’m so glad you’re not talking about taking out puppies and dogs (cats would be OK though…)
99 five year old kids will attack
99 five year old kids
Take one down with a knock to the crown
98 five year old kids still attack
98 five year old kids will attack
98 five year old kids
Knock one flat with a handy cat
97 five year old kids still attack
97 five year old kids will attack
97 five year old kids
Try bowling with kids knock them back on their lids
STRIKE!
86 five year old kids still attack
86 five year old kids will attack
86 five year old kids
Swing one around knock some more to the ground
82 five year old kids still attack
82 five year old kids will attack
82 five year old kids
A karate punch took one more out to lunch
81 five year old kids still attack
81 five year old kids will attack
81 five year old kids
Jiu Jitsu worked fine when that kid crossed the line
80 five year old kids still attack
80 five year old kids will attack
80 five year old kids
Thats damn fine Kung Fu coming right back at you
79 five year old kids still attack
Guess that means I can only handle 20… I’m out of lines.
April 10th, 2008 at 10:09 pmHeh. I get the older and fatter penalty, too, so I only scored 23, because I’m only going to swing them like a bat as a last resort.
I nearly fell off my chair laughing when I read what Breda said about working in a Public Library, though.
April 10th, 2008 at 10:18 pmI could only take 17. But the questions about how many fights you’ve been in threw me. No real fights of the bar variety , but do they want me to count knock down, drag out fights with my sister during our teenage years? ‘Cos I once kicked her in the head and gave her a big “egg” bruise which I proudly made her show to everyone. If the survey people had known that, I would have done better, I think.
April 10th, 2008 at 11:52 pm34. Of COURSE I would use them as weapons, what sane person wouldn’t
April 11th, 2008 at 2:37 amAll those years as a Bouncer finally pay off.
I can take 37 five year olds.
So, where are the little monsters! I’m ready.
April 11th, 2008 at 4:25 am@Becki — your dead body would be worth $3575? Damn, girl — my live body isn’t worth that.
I need to start eating gold or blowing Eliot Spitzer.
April 11th, 2008 at 4:37 am30 of the little bastards. Long arms, ruthlessness and several bar brawls (which I never started, of course…) do make a difference.
April 11th, 2008 at 7:10 amDearRachel,
Although you post is time-tagged just after noon yesterday, I swear upon your exalted name that I did not see it until this morning.
I must say that I am very disappointed that you are all joking about inflicting violence and pain on poor little children. Can you really in your heart of hearts believe that you would hurt Little Timmy (TM)?
I think Turd Fergusen doesnt take his thought far enough. A condition of posting comments is that DearRachel must know your email address, which we all know gives her the ability to track down our real names and addresses. She she knows:
1. How much we make
2. How many guns we have
3. In some cases what kind of guns we have and how accessible they are for instant use.
4. Whether or not we have dogs (good for home security).
5. Where we live.
She is either building her troop list or she is identifying potential threats to her World Domination Tour (R).
v/r
April 11th, 2008 at 7:29 ammike
Whereupon she will send her armies of ‘just enough 5 year olds’ to every potentially hostile location and try to take over the world!
All we need now is for Sunny to learn how to say “Narf!” and “Egad!”
April 11th, 2008 at 8:15 amI have a 2 year old and wouldn’t hurt him for the world… However, I had my share of bullies in grade school, so know how vicious the little buggers can be, and they don’t know when to stop, so you’re really fighting for survival. Given my strong desire to live, my slightly skewed moral compass, my size, age, and experience, apparently I’m a horrible person and will off 36 of the little tykes.
Realistically though, once you grab one by the neck and pants and throw him into a group, and then flip one upside down and start using him like a baseball bat, I’ve got the feeling the rest would run to the corners and leave you alone.
It is so sad that I had that plan of action worked out within seconds of seeing the initial question.
April 11th, 2008 at 9:19 am31! Guess I can open a can of whoop ass on them!!!!
April 11th, 2008 at 10:16 amOnly 23 here.
However, I would use them as weapons b/c … I’ve done it.
My friend’s kids attack me every chance they get. (They’re getting a little big for that now, though.) My favorite tactic is to knock the big one onto the couch and throw the little one on top of him.
Great fun! And they keep coming back for more!
April 11th, 2008 at 10:42 amOnly 19. :o(
Now, if you want to see how many 12 year olds I can intimidate, that’s a different story!
Bwahahahahahaha!
–Evil Mom
April 11th, 2008 at 12:20 pm29 - too old, short, and out of shape to do much better, but at least I will mercilessly bash in their young mushy skulls… and the first thing I would do is wade into them, grab their leader by his feet, and use him like Sauron used his morning star in the opening scene of Lord of the Rings.
April 11th, 2008 at 1:23 pmPS, now I can’t stop thinking about Kramer on Seinfeld getting taken out by the kids in his karate class.
April 11th, 2008 at 1:24 pmPPS - as I write this, I am also filling out an application for a job as a child welfare case manager…
shhh… don’t tell!!!
April 11th, 2008 at 1:26 pmI got 34, thinkin’ thats a little low….
April 12th, 2008 at 10:26 am