The Daily Dog: all shall love me and despair!
In case you didn’t manage to get through the 200+ comments on that other post debating the very existence of God, you might have missed where David Colborne crafted the most brilliant, moving, timely, appropriate, meaning-frought, and profound prayer ever written. Just my opinion. I hath named it…The Blogger’s Prayer:
There is no God. Only Rachel.
Our blogger, which art in Texas,
Hallowed be thy name.
Thy ridgeback come,
Thy will be done, in blog,
As it is in the ‘Net.
Give us this day our Daily Hate,
And forgive us our comments as we forgive them that comment against us,
And lead us not into vegetarianism,
But deliver us into pork treats.
For thine is the blog, and the power, and the helmet, for ever and ever.
Amen.
A-men!
UPDATE: Because only a little blasphemy is never enough, future Secretary of Awesome, David Colborne, has compendiumed (what? I can make a new word) the Online Sunny Prayer Book. May it bring you peace and joy as it has for me.
Rachel, I love ya but that “prayer” is a bit overboard. I agree with you on organized religion while being a prayerful Christian independent.
May 7th, 2008 at 11:50 pmBe cool but please give those of us that take the Lord’s Prayer seriously a break.
PS: Sunny is one photogenic ridgeback.
looks like Sunny’s best Fred Thompson imitation!
May 7th, 2008 at 11:52 pmSunny looks to be giving the evil eye to whoever is interfering with her desire to rest.
May 7th, 2008 at 11:54 pmUmmm. Sunny’s facial mannerism in that picture kind of resembles your picture in the banner.
Don’t beat me up.
May 8th, 2008 at 12:14 amWhen I first read that in the comments I almost fell over laughing. I really think you should find some way to work it (or at least part of it) onto a T-shirt.
May 8th, 2008 at 12:29 amLike Shelley Winters in later tubby years, trying to play Mae West…
“Why don’t you come up sometime ‘n see me?”
May 8th, 2008 at 1:11 amWhat a kick!
May 8th, 2008 at 1:36 amThe Bloggers Prayer: Oh the sacrilege, the sacrilege of it all! For your sin of emission you will thrown into an outer circle of Hades and forced to live throughout eternity surrounded by Kos Kids. (But because of your finely crafted sense of humor, you will be the only one armed with darts.)
Pfffft! God will forgive us for laughing (I hope!)
Anwyn, you’re right — there is a definite echo up there!
May 8th, 2008 at 2:47 amThat whole helmet thing has me thrown, so this is the closest I will most likely ever get to a parody of some Van Halen lyric–
‘No, baby, don’t take the helmet off, leave it on, leave it on….’
May 8th, 2008 at 3:09 amSomehow I think it’s even funnier that people take a rote one-sided conversation with God so seriously as to not appreciate a harmless bit of wry humor.
It’s even funnier that one would find the need to admonish another over it.
Get a grip. If God doesn’t care, why should you? Before you get wound up and try to explain to me exactly why you know God does care…just point to the commandment to save time. To my understanding…those are the important ones. Don’t sweat the little shit.
May 8th, 2008 at 4:48 amI’m still puzzled as to why folks would come here and get all serious about parody … of religion or anything else.
May 8th, 2008 at 6:44 amSome people need to helmet-up!
Good pic … just the right amount fo regal disdain … LOL
I concur. God gave us all a sense of humor for a reason.
May 8th, 2008 at 6:55 amIt’s only funny if you really know why it’s funny.
As a Christian, I think that blogger’s prayer is teh awesome for funny!
But I think the pic title is even funnier…
May 8th, 2008 at 7:00 amSeriously, that is the BEST picture I have seen of Sunny yet, kudos to you girl, you are quite the photographer.
You should enter it into a photo contest, it would win, really.
May 8th, 2008 at 7:07 amWhat they heck.
Is that sunny’s “I’m asleep but still watching you!” pose?
May 8th, 2008 at 7:21 amstick with the aspirations for “temporary supreme dictator”
May 8th, 2008 at 7:48 amI thought goat was very polite in expressing his opinion of “The Blogger’s Prayer”. Those who disagreed with him seem to take umbrage over his comment. So much for polite discourse. I’ve never gotten the impression that Rachel expects her readers to agree with everything she says or enjoys. It’s true that God gave us a sense of humor. He didn’t insist that we all laugh at the same jokes.
May 8th, 2008 at 7:53 amI was going to comment on the rather strong reactions in the comments to the prayer, but decided not to give in to it (or rather to them)….
So - Sunny IS slimmer…..
May 8th, 2008 at 8:22 amOh criminy.
No, I don’t expect everyone to think the same things are funny that I do. What I would expect is that by now, anyone who reads this site with any sort of regularity would be immune to such silliness and would know that indeed I mean no offense, and would simply not worry about it. It’s so OBVIOUSLY a ridiculous over-the-top joke.
It is a mockery of ME, not religion or Jesus.
Being bothered by it would be, to me, not much different than being bothered by my claims that I intend one day to be Supreme Leader of the Universe, because some people take democracy very seriously.
May 8th, 2008 at 8:42 amI think the sequel would have to be the “ban hammer commandments.”
May 8th, 2008 at 9:10 amKudos again to David Colburne! Well-crafted silliness is always appreciated, at least in my little world.
May 8th, 2008 at 9:24 amHail Sunny, full of pork,
The Wachel is with thee,
Blessed art thou amongst doggehs,
And blessed is the fruit of your (anatomically graphic word deleted by the author to spare sensitive readers).
Holy Sunny, sister of Maggie
Pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our dinners,
Amen
(meh. I tried)
May 8th, 2008 at 9:25 amRighto! My insightful contribution to the religion discussion raging in another thread was to post my observation that Sunny indeed looks like she’s lost weight. I am that deep.
I feel compelled by my own profound philosophical gravity to exhort everyone to focus on what’s really important here: Sunny’s girth.
May 8th, 2008 at 9:29 amAnwyn: You’re onto something there.
Rachel: When will we see a pic of the Holy Ridgeback with a helmet?
Behold, and tremble.
May 8th, 2008 at 9:29 amPaleomedic…would “loins” work in lieu of an anatomically graphic term? Or are you trying to reference Sunny’s famous doggie doo? In which case, “loins” may not work so well.
Just tryin’ to help out, since I cannot compose anything my own self.
May 8th, 2008 at 9:32 amAs a Catholic, I find both “prayers”
hilarious. In fact, I think someone should come up with the Sunnycean Creed.
edit: Done….see below
May 8th, 2008 at 9:46 amI’ll bite, Kate P:
From the Lost book of Exodusiastes:
1 And Rachel blogged all Her words, saying,
May 8th, 2008 at 9:47 am2 I am the Wachel thy Blog, which have brought thee out of the land of Kos, out of the house of nonsense.
3 Thou shalt have no other blogs before me. Heh.
4 Thou shalt purchase any graven dog, or any likeness of any thing that is in my back yard eating pork treats, or that is in the living room wearing cute outfits, or that is in the kitchen engaging in doggy shenanigans:
5 Thou shalt visit the Zazzle and bow down thyself to them, and wear them or drink from them: for I the Rachel thy Blog am a marketing Blog, visiting the purchases of the Visa cards upon the commenters unto the third and fourth generation of them that post on me;
6 And shewing mercy unto the dozens of them that love me, and keep my rules of order and common courtesy.
7 Thou shalt not take the name of the Rachel thy Blog in vain; for the Rachel will not hold him (or her) guiltless that posteth idiotic ad hominem attacks.
8 Remember the pork treats, to keep them fresh and tasty.
9 Seven days shalt thou read and do all thy posting and Zazzle purchasing. Is that too much to ask?
10 But the seventh day is the high and holy day of the Rachel thy Blog: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates: instead, lay around in thy jammies reading, posting and reviewing the week’s conversations and the postings of the Rachel thy Blog;
11 For in six days the blog explained Awesomeness, guns, politics and Sunny, and rested the seventh day: wherefore the Rachel blessed the holy day, and hallowd it.
12 Honor thy commenter and thy poster that thy days may be long upon the blog which the Rachel thy Blog giveth thee.
13 Thou shalt not kill a thread with stupid comments.
14 Thou shalt not commit ad hominem attacks.
15 Thou shalt not whine.
16 Thou shalt not bear false arguments against thy fellow commenter, lest thy Rachel smite thee with a ban hammer in her mercy.
17 Thou shalt not covet the Saddest Bee mug; thou shalt purchase thy mug and other dog goodness at Zazzle. That way you won’t have to covet any of the awesomeness that thy neighbor doth already own.
Redhead,
It was of a definite scataological nature, and there are boundaries even I find hard to cross, although conjuring it up in the first place likely means I’m already damned to hell.
May 8th, 2008 at 9:48 amNice work, Cosmo!
(And I just got my “saddest bee” mug in the mail this week! Yay!)
May 8th, 2008 at 9:54 amWe believe in one Dog,
the Mother, the all-hungry,
maker of heaven and turds,
of all that is, humped and unhumped.
We believe in one Queen, Rachl Lukiz,
the only Slave of Dog,
eternally besotten of the Rupert,
Dog from Dog, Pork from pork,
true Dog from true Dog,
besotten, not slave,
of one Being with the Rupert;
through him she ovulated.
For us and for our salvation
She came down from the park,
was incarnate of the Holy Pork and the Virgin Maggie
and became truly Dog.
For our sake she was humiliated under Rachl Lukiz;
She suffered shame and was sorrowed.
On the third day she rose again
in accordance with the bloggers;
She ascended into Photoshop
and is seated at the right hand of the Rachel.
She will come again in glory to judge the pit bulls and the cats,
and her kingdom will have no end…of pork.
(someone else will have to finish the rest)
May 8th, 2008 at 9:55 amI think all these prayers should be collected into one post. That way the Bible according to Sunny can be accessible with the click of a mouse.
May 8th, 2008 at 10:00 amSunny looks like she’s about to make us an offer we can’t refuse. Very Brando.
Have you ever considered taking a straight-on picture of your face and photoshopping it onto one of those old Madonna (not the singer!) paintings? I can almost picture it: You as the Madonna posed behind the text of the banner, arms out in that “come to me, my children” gesture she’s always in, Sunny where she is now, and Maggie in the scarf on the left. The text, of course, would have to be changed to “Rachel Lucas - Love Me And Despair”
May 8th, 2008 at 10:02 am…or the hump of a Ridgeback
May 8th, 2008 at 10:05 amNice LOTR line-check there, too.
May 8th, 2008 at 10:17 amOh mah gawd. This is why I have a comment section; makes my blog a thousand times funnier than I ever could alone.
Very nice work, guys. You have earned your places in my World Cabinet. And I agree, these prayers should be collected in one Online Sunny Prayerbook.
May 8th, 2008 at 10:31 amCosmo…that made me laugh out loud!
Fave:
Oh, and this…
May 8th, 2008 at 10:51 amI think it’s freaking brilliant, and I love the Lord’s prayer.
May 8th, 2008 at 11:28 amI think that would be pushing it.
May 8th, 2008 at 12:15 pmThose new additions are fantastic and hilarious. I wish I was that creative.
May 8th, 2008 at 12:21 pmWhat hM said!
May 8th, 2008 at 12:40 pmOk, so I used my creativity quota for the year and came up with The Articles of Blog Faith (with nod to Cosmo). I hope it all fits.
1. We believe in Rachel, the Eternal Blogger, and in Her Ridgeback, Sunny Lucas, and in the Awesomeness of Maggie.
2. We believe that trolls will be punished for their own stupidity and not for the transgressions of other commenters.
3. We believe that through the advent of the Rachel Dynasty, all mankind may be saved, by obedience to the laws and tastiness of teh Pork.
4. We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Blog are: first, faith in Rachel; second, renouncement of stupidity; third, Baptism in Pork for the remission of hunger; fourth, laying on of the Ban Hammer for the wrath of Rachel.
5. We believe that commenters must be called of Rachel, by Pork, and by the Hump of Maggie, to preach the Rachel Dynasty and administer in the ordinances thereof.
6. We believe in the same format that existed in the original Rachel Lucas blog, namely, snarkiness, profanity, comments, Ban Hammer, Sunny Lucas, Pork, and so forth.
7. We believe in the gift of Pork, snark, the Daily Dog, healing of liberal stupidity, comments, angering of Kos Kids, and so forth.
8. We believe the Blog to be the word of Rachel, as far as it is not devoid of Pork; we also believe the Blogger’s Prayer to be the word of Rachel.
9. We believe all that Rachel has revealed, all that She does now reveal, and we believe that she will yet reveal many great and porky things pertaining to the Rachel Dynasty.
10. We believe in the literal gathering of blogs, and in the restoration of reason; that Maggie (of the Doggie Hump) will be enshrined upon the American continent; that Sunny will reign personally over teh Pork; and, that the earth will be renewed and receive a lifetime supply of Pork.
11. We claim the privilege of worshipping Almighty Rachel according to the dictates of our own schedules, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, and whenever they can get away with it without angering their boss.
12. We believe in being subject to Rachel, Sunny, Maggie, and Rupert, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining teh Pork.
13. We believe in being snarky, rational, all-knowing, pork-consuming, humping, and in the Ban Hammering of all out-of-control trolls; indeed, we may say we follow the admonition of Sunny — We hunger for teh Pork, we hope for teh Pork, we have endured hunger pangs, and hope to be able to endure all pangs for teh Pork. If there is anything funny, snarky, or of tastiness or good consistency, we seek after these things.
May 8th, 2008 at 12:55 pmI think I just committed blasphemy by simply reading this post and comments! Yikes!
May 8th, 2008 at 1:10 pm14. We believe in the eternal asshattedness of those deemed asshats - Michael Moore we’re looking at you - by the Almighty Rachel
May 8th, 2008 at 1:24 pmAsk… and ye shall receive… an online compendium of Rachel-related sacrilegious nougaty goodness.
(Hey, I started it. The least I can do is keep track of it.)
May 8th, 2008 at 1:24 pmRachel, you are really, really lucky that God has a sense of humor.
He created humans, didn’t He?
May 8th, 2008 at 1:39 pmI have only one quibble with the Blogger’s Prayer. I think the last part should read:
Gotta keep with the theme, right?
May 8th, 2008 at 3:17 pmVery cute pic of the sharp-toothed sweetie, that.
May 8th, 2008 at 3:44 pmWayneB: I thought about going with a Ramen, a la the Flying Spaghetti Monster, but decided to keep it old-school.
May 8th, 2008 at 8:39 pmAww give me a break, I thought it was funny just a bit over the top. How about we go after the Koran instead from Sunny 9: When those who takes my pork rinds hides behind a rock or tree, the rock and tree will cry out “come and eat them”
May 8th, 2008 at 10:19 pmgoat, that’s a good idea. I’ll pull out my copy of the Koran tomorrow and see if I can come up with any good ideas (not promising anything since I did use all my creativity on the Articles of Blog Faith.)
Speaking of which, what say we make this completely universally religious and hit up every major religion?
May 9th, 2008 at 1:17 amExcellent idea, hM. Equal time for all.
May 9th, 2008 at 1:53 amNah, then we’ll just have a bunch of pissed off Muslims invading Rachel’s site.
May 9th, 2008 at 8:27 amIn the beginning, when Rachl created the Dog and the Pork, all was a formless wasteland, and darkness covered the blogosphere, while a mighty lameness blew over all.
Then Rachl said, “Let there be Dog,” and there was Dog. Rachl saw how good the Dog was, and separated the Dog from the cat. Rachl called the Dog “Sunny” and the cat she called, “food.”
Then Rachl said, “Let there be Pork on the earth, so that Sunny can partake,” and so it came to pass, that Pork was fed to Sunny, and Rachl saw that it was good.
Then Rachl said, “Let there be a skates, so that the Retard can be pulled around the earth by Dog,” and the skates were delivered, and Rachl tried them on and saw that they were good.
Then Rachl said, “Let there beeth a Retard helmet, so that the Retard may not crush her tiny skull upon the earth when Dog sees pit bulls and wishes to give chase,” and the helmet was delivered, And Rachl posed for pictures, and they were good. And Retarded.
Then Rachl said, “Let there be Rupert, for without Rupert, surely Retard will bust open her skull anyway skating behind Dog, so surely she must have a Rupert to break her fall; thusly will he break his neck instead and spare the Retard so that she may continue to blog.” Thus was begat Rupert, who instead of catching the Retard, laughed at her in the helmet and skates.
Then Rachl said, “Let there be grooves in the earth, so that water may not flow into the house of the Retard.” And thus, Rachl spent hours digging channels in the earth to divert the waters from flowing into the home of the Retard. And lo! When the waters came, thus was the Retard spared being wet, whereupon the Dog entered the house soaking wet and shook her coat and sprayed the Retard with water anyway.
Thus ended the six days of creation, whereupon, Rachl entered the home of the Retard, donned the helmet and skates, placed her skinny butt upon her throne, and proceeded to finish the blog, in between serving up Pork to the Dog.
May 9th, 2008 at 10:07 am