Get ready to have your mind blown.
I’ve just held a high-level cabinet meeting with myself and created a new position in my future world government expressly for my friend Mary: Grand Chancellor of Awesome. First this then this and now she points me to something I’d seen before but was too blown away to remember. This:
click for bigger version
“Developed by Chuck Norris for stunt fighting in action movies. These great looking western style jeans have a unique hidden gusset which allows greater movement without binding or ripping.”
The italics aren’t even mine, people. That’s how important the unique hidden gusset is.
I’m going to make a cut-out of Chuck from that image and do things with it, including possibly the ban-hammer graphic I’ve been meaning to make. Ban-roundhouse-kick-of-death is more to my taste anyway.
You just couldn’t buy this kind of entertainment before the internet.
Can’t…stop…
You need to photo-shop your head (with the helmet, of course) to Chuck’s body. Now that would be hawt!!
June 20th, 2008 at 4:29 pmCan’t we have Rachel’s head and her body?
Right, now I’m going to run away before Rupert reads this.
June 20th, 2008 at 4:32 pmI, too, have a unique hidden gusset—which allows greater movement without binding or ripping.
Sadly, my wife—Lucretia De Borgia De Boyle—is not impressed.
“Hey, how about some action, Lucretia? I’ve got a few new night moves—guaranteed to please–and perhaps bemuse as well.
“Oh?”
“You betcha. It’s all in the unique hidden gussetry.”
“You have a unique hidden gusset?”
“Yup. A gusset. Also unique. None of the usual binding or ripping that presages disaster and significant chaffing.”
“Well, just keep your gusset in your pants, Lance.”
“So, your position with respect to night moves is a firm and consistent No?”
“Correct. Also day moves.”
“Then what’s the point of nonbinding and nonripping hidden gussetings?”
“It gives you and Chuck Norris something to schmooze about.”
These gussets are a waste of good hard cash.
June 20th, 2008 at 4:35 pmShisizzle, I gotta git me some them! Why, wear them things to my Krav Maga training, and I’ll be a-high kickin’ an’ a-whampin’ and a-whompin’ every livin’ thing that moves within a inch of its life. Except the women folks, of course.
June 20th, 2008 at 4:36 pmI’m wondering why they included the inset photo of Chuck’s ASS?
Oh, yeah, I forgot, SEX SELLS
Rachel, I think it’s time for some pix of you and the dogs doing karate moves.
June 20th, 2008 at 4:36 pmmore action jeans
June 20th, 2008 at 4:45 pmTo all the ass-hatted hippies of the world, Chuck gives you…A BOOT TO THE HEAD!
June 20th, 2008 at 4:45 pm
June 20th, 2008 at 4:46 pmThe Chuck Norris roundhouse kick ban hammer! Sweet! You should link it up to where it spouts a random Chuck Norris Fact at the luser when they try and visit the site after being banned.
Well crud. Then it would be too cool to get banned, and the comments would lose their current level of awesomeness.
That’s why a Rachl Lukis led world is better than my hair brained schemes. I see my shortcomings now. Carry on.
June 20th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
- Rachel]
June 20th, 2008 at 4:47 pm[para - i had to thumbnail that one, it was breaking the comment template. AWESOME PIC by the way
When Chuck Norris kicks hippies, Code Pinkos and WBC vermin in the head, his foot does not actually have to touch them. The bow shock wave in front of his foot is so strong it obliterates the target microseconds ahead of his boot.
June 20th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
June 20th, 2008 at 4:49 pm
June 20th, 2008 at 4:51 pmWow, a plethora of crotch shots before driving home. You just never know what you’re going to get when you click on Rachel. Crotch shots! My fav is the one Para posted with the closeup of JUST THE CROTCH. Like I needed a mental image of Chuck’s Crotch? Tanks a lot Wachel!
June 20th, 2008 at 5:00 pmYou think the internet is great for that, weight…er…wait until you see THIS. You may never count calories again–or need to!
June 20th, 2008 at 5:02 pmIf you still have an appetite, perhaps I can cure you of your need to stay in hotels. (Or perhaps ignite the fire of retro fun in your belly.)
We like to party…we like, we like to party…
June 20th, 2008 at 5:08 pm
June 20th, 2008 at 5:14 pmI once read a magazine in the late 70s (God knows which one but it wasn’t a porno mag…honest! Although I did once find my dad’s stash in his wardrobe *ahem*) that advertised a plastic ‘crotch complement’ that you stuffed down your trousers. I remember the ad saying “Get the ‘arrogant’ look!”.
Two questions occur to me now - was there really someone who made millions from exploiting really insecure men by selling them expensive shuttlecocks? And what did these men do if they actually managed to get an impressed female to go to bed with them and then had to take their trousers off?
The mind boggles.
June 20th, 2008 at 5:22 pmWhat exactly IS a gusset and why does it have to be hidden?
June 20th, 2008 at 5:27 pmgus·set (gst)
n.
1. A triangular insert, as in the seam of a garment, for added strength or expansion.
2. A triangular metal bracket used to strengthen a joist.
3. A piece of mail or plate armor protecting the joints in a suit of armor.
If it’s not hidden it means you’re gay. (JK)
June 20th, 2008 at 5:33 pmJune 20th, 2008 at 5:36 pm
I get to be a chancellor in Wachel’s Empire? *squee*
June 20th, 2008 at 5:39 pmA “unique hidden gusset”?
Sounds….kinky.
June 20th, 2008 at 5:46 pmI think one time I saw the same selling points under a girdle in the Penney’s catalog–maybe it was the female equivalent for fending off creeps!
June 20th, 2008 at 5:54 pmCan I be Imperial Torturer? Misha has one so I don’t see why Rachel shouldn’t have one, too.
OK, I’m a bit squeamish about attaching electrodes to someone’s nipples but I can work wonders with a Barney The Dinosaur video:
“Now, you know you’re going to have to talk eventually, Osama!”
“Damn you infidel kuffar pig-dogs and your Jewish masters. And your whoreish women who you allow to go outside without wearing tents! We mujahadeen will never surrender!”
(nods to eager, clean-shaven aide who inserts a DVD into the player)
“And heeeeres Baaarney!! ‘I love you, you love me, we’re one happy family! I love you, you love me, we’re one happy family…” (continues ad nauseum)
“AAAARRRGH!!! Please, for the love of allah (and peace be unto him), make it stop. I’ll tell you where the plutonium is, and even where my goat porn magazines are. Just please make it STOP!”
June 20th, 2008 at 5:59 pmYou know Chuck’s gonna show up here, now, and we’re going to get the fully gusseted story. Maybe not.
June 20th, 2008 at 6:27 pmSheesh, 14K, in that crotch-stretch pic I could swear that Chuck Norris’ hidden gusset is smiling at me.
“Is that your gusset, or are you just happy to see me?”
June 20th, 2008 at 6:28 pmYeah, careful what you say about Chucky’s smilin’ puss, Rachel …
Before Photoshopping, ask sir Clint the immortal question … Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?
June 20th, 2008 at 6:32 pmOkay, you guys are totally awesome, and I am sooooo ‘last week,’ but I had to do this for Sunny.
Chuck’s butt shot is, ummmm, very tight, but I think it’s supposed to show how ‘hidden’ his gusset is when he’s not waving it in your general direction… or else it’s just cheap, sexist commercialism!
June 20th, 2008 at 6:41 pm[duplicate removed]
June 20th, 2008 at 6:44 pmI like the version of the Barney song I made up for my kids:
June 20th, 2008 at 7:08 pmSorry Rachel. I kinda got obsessed for abotu five minutes. Then my wife said, “Hey Para, ( actually she calls me Sweetie, ugh) let’s go get Mexican food”, to which I actually squealed like a little girl because I haven’t had a meal over 500 calories for about three months. Then we got to the restaurant and it sucked hard.
Back to eating at home. Broccoli and Chicken breast. yay………yay.
June 20th, 2008 at 7:12 pmWhere’s Waldo?
Perhaps the gusset hides in plain sight.
June 20th, 2008 at 7:16 pmJoan of Argghh, in response to your question …
If god loved us all, he’d send me Photoshop …
June 20th, 2008 at 7:20 pmYou got to me Rachel.
June 20th, 2008 at 7:26 pmF^*K IT! I’m ready for combat!
June 20th, 2008 at 7:28 pmWow, Chuck Norris/Buddy Jesus in a Star Trek suit.
June 20th, 2008 at 7:31 pmI think I need to sit down.
Is that a “unique hidden gusset” in your jeans, or are you just glad to see me?
Oops. Just saw that this wasn’t exactly original.
June 20th, 2008 at 7:45 pm14 Karat, you don’t have photoshop?
June 20th, 2008 at 8:51 pmNo.
But I damn sure have used it enough to be totally gettin’ my jones on looking at your creations …
You know you’re a geek when you’re rather have photoshop than bling.
Sigh.
June 20th, 2008 at 8:56 pmOHHHH, I think I just pulled a groin muscle looking for my gusset!!
June 20th, 2008 at 9:12 pmHmmm. Send me an email and I’ll see if I can help you out with your jones for the photoshop.
June 20th, 2008 at 9:12 pmhM,
June 20th, 2008 at 9:43 pmGot the address if you want to take it down.
You are my new crush. Sorry, Rchl.
[Done. I would have to kill myself if hM got spam-attacked! Oh and I'm glad you two are in a relationship now. Fickle bitches! Just kidding, my love for you both is, as ever, unshakable. - Rachel]
K.
June 20th, 2008 at 10:11 pmDuluth Trading Company sells different styles of jeans with a GUSSET. I’m wearing a pair today. This pair has Kevlar too! (not bulletproof)
June 20th, 2008 at 10:14 pmOverload in CO
Omygawd BWAHAHAAHHAHA
I just spewed a mouthload of heiney …. a Kevlar gusset for the love of god I must must MUST know why !!!!!! What are you preventing from sullying the sanctity of this area???
And from Colorado, the hilarity overwhelms …
I’m sending this thread to Matt and Trey.
I’m super serial …!!!!
[my. life. for. photoshop. kevlar. crotch]
Can’t stop laughing at the infinite possibilities …
June 20th, 2008 at 10:19 pmSpeaking of that menace to civilization, Barney, am I the only one who required a couple of years of hearing that damn song to realize the tune was a slowed-down rendition of the Knick Knack Paddy-Whack song?
June 20th, 2008 at 10:56 pmYes. Yes you are. You are a retard, and you should never post about anything again as long as you or your heirs continue to suck oxygen until the end of time.
Having said that, thanks a lot for calling us all out on something that still, despite the fact that my youngest is 11, makes me beyond bugshit crazy : ) In 1997, in a family letter, I officially declared my house a “Barney-free zone”. ANNNNDDD so, my mother-in-law used to specifically pick up my kids for a “fun shopping day” so they could go to her house and watch the banned purple menace: to add insult to injury she would then take them to the nearest available rampant consumerist craphole cesspool of society begging for a chlorination beat-down (aka your friendly neighborhood local Wal-Mart) to purchase a continuing reminder (that I constantly had to pick up and put away) of how much I hated that purple cholo chileho mofo.
I really miss Sara. She was a worthy opponent.
So imagine my joy and awe when B girl (no not the “No Rain” bee girl) came home spewing this little ditty:
I hate you
You hate me
Let’s hang Barney from a tree
But then a shot rang out
And Barney hit the floor
No more purple dinosaur
That’s when this “woodenhead” realized the tunage factor, Wayne. “This old gal is rolling home, {cuz there’s} no more purple dinosaur.”
Toldj’all I raised them right!
June 20th, 2008 at 11:08 pmThanks Rachel:D You know you’ll always be first in my heart (in a non-gay, you’re super cool I wish I was like you way, of course).
June 20th, 2008 at 11:26 pmhM,
June 20th, 2008 at 11:28 pmGlad for that.
Sorry I didn’t see the light sooner.
Short bussin’ it to enlightenment is a loonnng journey, and all the rest …
Since we’re all posting about the awesomeness of Chuck Norris’ hidden gusset here, I think I should bring everybody’s attention to an important website you should all know about: Chuck Norris Facts.
Also, I believe “The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny” should be required watching.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:44 pmReality check on the aging studmuffin and …
The lawsuit fodder.
June 20th, 2008 at 11:49 pmYou surf the Web while standing?
June 21st, 2008 at 12:14 amI hear that Barney was arrested for locating gussets…
June 21st, 2008 at 12:24 amJohnS,
June 21st, 2008 at 12:47 amJesus Christ in a purple dinosaur suit …
Yes, Yes, YES, when Harry met Sally-worthy YES!
OMG, 14k, that’s hysterical. The googley eyes are perfect… a Roger Rabbit effect of surreal blending of cartoon life and …well, more cartoon life in this instance.
:o)
June 21st, 2008 at 6:36 amLet me just be the first to exclaim, in my simple way:
What the FUCK, Chuck?
June 21st, 2008 at 6:57 amMany years ago, I wore gusseted pants from some airy-fairy new-age company, the name of which I have forgotten. Incredibly comfortable! But the company went out of business. So I, for one, wish these pants were for real. But I want chinos, not jeans.
June 21st, 2008 at 7:33 amUh, isn’t that pronounced thuper therial?
Best episode evah!
June 21st, 2008 at 8:46 amThe kevlar gusset (unique, hidden) isn’t for keeping stuff out. It’s for keeping dangerous things in. This is Chuck Norris’ we’re talking about.
June 21st, 2008 at 9:27 amOopth, thorry, I’m not that fluent in “lithpian”.
June 21st, 2008 at 9:40 amIf it’s hidden, how come I can see it?
June 21st, 2008 at 9:47 amRelieved to see I’m not the only one wasting my life in contemplation of inconsequential matters.
June 21st, 2008 at 9:58 amThis is info I can use if I ever get the mumps.
June 21st, 2008 at 10:03 amI distinctly remember a guy named “Superfoot” Wallace doing the same marketing campaign back when I wore an onion on my belt.
June 21st, 2008 at 10:08 amUh, that’s not a roundhouse kick….
June 21st, 2008 at 10:27 amhM and 14k,
June 21st, 2008 at 12:10 pmOkay, you photoshopping madwomen, here’s some new action wear for Chuck — have at it! (pretty please?)
okay, now… this is officially the funniest thread i’ve ever read in my life.
in many ways.
June 21st, 2008 at 12:20 pm500 years from now there’ll be an entire genre of conspiracy thriller novels about search for the fabled unique-hidden-gusset of Chuck Norris.
June 21st, 2008 at 12:35 pmI dunno, but does anyone else find it more than a little… unseemly… to see Wachel and Mary playing Find the Gusset with Chuck Norris? Er… I’m stepping out for s bit, be back later. If anyone’s interested, I have Kevlar socks, so suck on that, gusset fags.
June 21st, 2008 at 12:39 pmTC leather penguin: was that a white onion or a yellow one?
June 21st, 2008 at 12:52 pmYour poster is very perceptive. I frankly have never seen a homosexual deliver an excellent roundhouse kick. Not without breaking into giggles anyway.
June 21st, 2008 at 12:53 pmBill St. Clair remembers the same company I do. The outfit was called “Chi Pants,” based out of Santa Cruz, CA. They bragged about the same gusset, although it was more about being able to squat down and cultivate your marijuana patch than about high kicks. The pants came with a real crystal sewn into them.
For years, “hidden gusset” pants were, as far as we Californians were concerned, first-class hippie pants. Sorry, Chuck.
June 21st, 2008 at 1:34 pmNorris with a hidden gusset?
June 21st, 2008 at 2:02 pmNah. I don’t believe it.
Rock Hudson? OK, sure.
Jim Nabors? Hidden in plain sight.
Norris? Nope.
C’mon!!! My inner teenager still has the scars from the years-long Pete Townshend scare.
>>Todd Says:
TC leather penguin: was that a white onion or a yellow one?
June 21st, 2008 at 2:53 pmIncidentally, Century Martial Art Supply still exists, and they sell lots of stuff with gussets.
June 21st, 2008 at 3:13 pmfelicity, just because you asked so nicely:
June 21st, 2008 at 4:51 pmSpeaking of gussets — in my former work-life I used steel gussets frequently in my designs, although not in bridges. FROM Popular Mechanics last January:
Sixteen fractured gusset plates in the center span on Interstate 35W were a main cause of the deadly [40-year-old ] bridge collapse in Minneapolis last August, the National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB) said on Tuesday. The plates, which connected steel beams in the truss bridge, were roughly half the thickness they should have been because of a design error. How that flaw made it into the bridge is unclear; according to NTSB chairman Mark Rosenker, investigators couldn’t find the original design calculations.
June 21st, 2008 at 5:20 pmhM,
Hahaaaaa — you did it! The castle in the background is the pièce de résistance. (And in keeping with ‘Tradition,’ I’m sure he’d win first prize!)
Ed sounds like a man who could really use a gusset!
June 21st, 2008 at 6:35 pmOh great, now Larry has to bring up fractured gussets. I’m in a fetal position, with my knees clamped together, thinking about baseball scores.
Yeah, I remember that bridge. It fell down due to Smirkychimp W. Pretzelchoker McHitlerburton’s illegal and immoral war for oil. Because all of the National Guard’s crack Gusset Inspection Battalions were busy teaching Arabic to Iraqis instead of Afghans. And besides, who built all of Saddam’s bridges in the first place, huh?
June 21st, 2008 at 6:43 pmBut wait, I thought they didn’t allow that sort of thing — well, not openly at least!
June 21st, 2008 at 6:50 pmJune 21st, 2008 at 7:34 pm
You people are S-I-C-K — which is why I keep returning.
June 21st, 2008 at 7:49 pmYes, OK, ladies, that fellow in the dark has been places you’d rather not think about.
But hey! FIVE MINUTES! I’ll bet the impregnating hobo couldn’t match that.
June 21st, 2008 at 7:55 pmAnd one more for felicity.
June 21st, 2008 at 8:29 pmhM,
Good Lord! I think that warrants a NSFW tag, as well as a coffee spew warning!
Jim Carson,
Maybe that’s why hobos are so weary!
Rachel,
June 21st, 2008 at 8:32 pmSave us! We’re sinking… sinking!
BTW felicity, meant to tell you, your loldog is freakin’ hilarious.
June 21st, 2008 at 9:12 pmEDIT: hM,
Now that the filter gods are smiling upon me once more, I can thank you properly (sorry I was so hasty before!) — Thank You!!!
That last Chuck is awe inspiring! Who can possibly resist the Short Bus revolution now???
(and the kilt revolution: all gussets, all the time — FREEDOM!)
hM,
I
keepkept trying to answer, but the spaminatorkeepskept eating my replies! I’m hoping three’s a charm![and it was! ed.]1) Your naughty post is verrrry naughty — might need tagses!
2) Your enlightened Chuck in a kilt is destroying my last shred of sobriety — and I don’t even drink!
3) You are too kind — I’m glad you feel for poor Sunny![I am honestly humbled! ed.]
June 21st, 2008 at 9:24 pmYay! I got through — must have been the other bit I kept trying to throw in for Carbo. Hmmm. How to do this…
Jim Carson,
Maybe that’s why hobos are so weary!
June 21st, 2008 at 9:28 pm(and have those issues with the police!)
Aha! Must have been something funky about the other link to the lyrics! (Oh, yes — because there’s always a song!)
June 21st, 2008 at 9:31 pmDon’t ask; don’t tell.
June 21st, 2008 at 9:32 pm[relocated]
June 21st, 2008 at 9:35 pmYou mean the Short Bus Rachelución?
And yes, I think that video needs a tag, but I can’t do it now. Rachel, if you get the chance, you might want to tag my comment at 7:34pm as very naughty.
June 21st, 2008 at 9:59 pmy’all are silly. very very silly.
June 21st, 2008 at 10:45 pmhM Says:
Just called Chuck..
He said nothing is worn under his kilt.
Everything, in fact, is in perect working order.
June 21st, 2008 at 10:59 pmgo to google.com
do the “i’m feeling lucky” search for the phrase:
“find chuck norris”
June 21st, 2008 at 11:05 pmThat’s awesome, TPFKaANTKaBOS.
June 21st, 2008 at 11:15 pmI have to reveal that I actually owned two pair of those Chuck Norris hidden gusset jeans, back in my youth. And now you know why I surf the web standing up.
June 21st, 2008 at 11:30 pmEd R,
ROFLMAO! This has got to be the funniest thread ever.
June 22nd, 2008 at 12:00 amannnnnd now … i can be the hundred …
100 shots of chuck taint on this thread, 100 chucks on this thread,
If Rchl takes this down
I’ll be an ass-clown
100 taints on this thread!
Regarding this thread: the UFO has landed at the deserted country road bus stop … and therefore you are not allowed to de-bus.
June 22nd, 2008 at 1:33 amACK! I have hadz beerz, thus it should have read ..
99 taints on this thread!
June 22nd, 2008 at 2:17 am14k,
It’s the Short Bus — if anyone’s counting, do you think they noticed? (HT: Jim Carson, I think?)
3 bottles of beer on the wall
June 22nd, 2008 at 5:17 am3 bottles of beeeeer…
This has been quite the disturbing thread…I think I need therapy now.
The Poster Formerly Known as Anonymous….etc: that was good.
June 22nd, 2008 at 5:18 amhM,
OMG, you are absolutely right!
Me a cowpie
Me a cowpie
Me a Mexican cowpie!
June 22nd, 2008 at 5:43 amI just stumbled upon a funny one:
Google
“Chuck Norris Rules” and hit “I’m feeling lucky”
and then
“Chuck Norris Sucks” and hit “I’m feeling lucky”
Both pages have great lists of “Chuck -isms” like,
If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
On the second page, as the name suggests, the chuck-isms are not so pro-chuck :
Chuck Norris is currently suing ABC, claiming Hope & Faith are trademarked names for his left and right breasts.
June 22nd, 2008 at 7:18 amSome of these comments are as funny as the post. Good stuff. How do y’all feel about Captain Kirk?
June 22nd, 2008 at 10:37 amSpeaking of lyrics, I just found the lyrics to “Walker, Texas Ranger” performed by Chuck Norris.
In the eyes of a ranger,
The unsuspecting stranger,
Had better know the truth of wrong from right,
‘Cause the eyes of a ranger are upon you,
Any wrong you do, he’s gonna see,
When you’re in Texas, look behind you,
‘Cause that’s where the rangers gonna be.
June 22nd, 2008 at 11:30 amYou know, it has just occurred to me that Wachel is on potentially dangerous ground here - I mean, an offhand quote about ath- I mean, uh, “you knows” in foxho- er, that is, “you know whats” and the God haters had to swarm on over to wish her ill.
How much more risky is it to run up a red flag for Chuck Norris?
June 22nd, 2008 at 11:46 amEwwwwww…..
No !…
June 22nd, 2008 at 1:07 pmI’m Not clicking to see a “bigger version” !
Google “chuck norris blown on short bus”
and then hit “I’m feeling lucky”.
Tee hee.
Actually, I think Chucky is lucky.
BWAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
June 22nd, 2008 at 1:35 pmThat is hysterical, 14k!
June 22nd, 2008 at 3:12 pmOkay this is a total thread jack but I am DYING to post this SOMEWHERE!!!
Snaps to el cap!
June 22nd, 2008 at 5:22 pmFour for Joe. I hope he is still making strides in his recovery.
June 22nd, 2008 at 7:55 pm
June 22nd, 2008 at 7:58 pmZoinks. Forgot this one. Make that five for Joe.
June 22nd, 2008 at 8:42 pm