The Daily Dog: rednecks and dog butts.
Hoping to polish my “typical American redneck” bona fides, here’s one of my dogs in her favorite git-up. Yee-haw! Right after this picture was taken, Maggie and I got drunk on Bud Light, hopped on our 4-wheeler, and motored out to the woods to play with guns and talk about how much we hate the darkies and Mex’kins. They turk urr jerbs!
On a completely different note, I am now going to write something that is probably very ill-advised to write because the ads on my blog are content-based and I shudder to think what this will do to them. But that never stopped me before. I just HAVE to know if this kind of thing has happened to any other dog owners.
The other night, I was heading for bed after having turned off all the lights. Sunny, as she is wont to do, was laying on the floor directly in my path.
Normally, this results in me stubbing my toe against her surprisingly hard head or her vast expanses of torso-flesh and she grunts and I apologize and everyone forgets about it.
Not this time.
No. This time, all the dark forces of the universe were aligned against me, most especially the dark force of her, uh, hindquarters, and I do mean ALIGNED AGAINST ME.
Or rather, aligned perfectly with the vector on which my foot was traveling.
Surely you see where I’m going with this. If not, let me spell it out for you: I damn near gave my dog a rectal exam with my big toe.
Said toe connected directly with her butt-opening; horrifyingly, I felt warmth and moisture. There was no discernible insertion but I think I was justified nonetheless in my resultant terrified scream.
From the bed, Rupert was all, “What the hell woman?” and I was all, “I just kicked Sunny in her ass and I mean that literally!” and he was all, “Oh god I miss the Army barracks, and please wash your foot before coming to bed.”
Sunny wasn’t a huge fan of this incident, either. Want to see a morbidly obese ridgeback move very very quickly? Almost ram your toe up her butt. It’ll do the trick.
Yes that’s right. I’m blogging this because I have no class. That’s what Obama-bashing-because-they’re-RACIST! folks like me do.
If you think it’s funny…then you might be a redneck.
14 Karat does it again:
Under comments it said, “No Comments”. I hated to spoil a perfectly good response, but now there is one.
July 22nd, 2008 at 6:53 pmI must be a redneck, ’cause I laughed my ass off.
July 22nd, 2008 at 6:53 pmThe first context-sensitive ad I got for the Big Toe in Ass post was “Gay Millionaire Dating.”
July 22nd, 2008 at 6:56 pmOnce I was giving someone directions to someplace in San Antonio, and caught myself saying “It’s your first turn-in on the left after the dead skunk on the shoulder of the road…”
If you use roadkill as landmarks when giving directions, you ARE a redneck.
Yeah, Maggie has that certain redneck look about her there.
July 22nd, 2008 at 7:04 pmROFLMAO!!!!!!!
Poor Sunny, and poor RCHL! Ummm, you DID wash your foot, right?
*Ducks and runs away, still laughing*
July 22nd, 2008 at 7:13 pmow…ow…ribs…hurt…laughing…can’t…breathe…ow…ow…
July 22nd, 2008 at 7:16 pmright up there with climbing out of bed, in a rush to hit the can, and stepping in cat-puke/dog puke/hairball/butt-droppings/take your pick
Ummmmm. No, 14K. Just … no.
OMG a “Qwest” ad came up!
Oh, and just FYI, “toe jam” is something you have and not something you do (or only do in certain parts of Tijuana, I’m told …)
July 22nd, 2008 at 7:17 pmGod, woman, I laughed so hard it hurts.
I bet Sunny is going to be real careful about letting you near her backside for a while.
July 22nd, 2008 at 7:17 pmAfter you mentioned the context sensitivity of the ads, the “dianetics.org” ad after the story made me crack up.
July 22nd, 2008 at 7:18 pm
July 22nd, 2008 at 7:19 pmGoosing the dog, goosing the dog!
July 22nd, 2008 at 7:19 pmSo, it was dark. How do you know it was her butt?
Y’all might be engaged…
:o)
July 22nd, 2008 at 7:23 pmPee-in-my-pants funny.
So, I think you should take the “short bus” photo that 14 K posted in the previous thread and make some new short bus gear.
July 22nd, 2008 at 7:32 pmA friend of mine has been honing his Higgins (from Magnum, P.I.) impression the past few weeks. This is a perfect chance to use it:
Oh… my… GOD!!!!
Darn. It’s funnier when he says it than when I type it.
July 22nd, 2008 at 7:38 pmLaughing so hard here I can hardly type. Then the YogaToes ad in the sidebar nearly caused me to eject cola out my nose!
July 22nd, 2008 at 7:42 pmRupert will confirm that the Uniform Code of Military Justice is explicit in that any penetration, no matter how slight, constitutes an act punishable by the code.
Moist? Yeah, sounds like penetration, no matter how slight.
July 22nd, 2008 at 7:43 pmRCHL pretends it’s a mystery, but now we know why.
July 22nd, 2008 at 7:49 pmROFLMAOPMP
You’ll never forget your house slippers again…….
July 22nd, 2008 at 7:51 pm0_o
July 22nd, 2008 at 7:54 pmAll I could say was, “Oh no…Oh. no. Noooooooo!”
Maggie looks like she should be on the beach, playing bongos with Matthew McConaughey!
July 22nd, 2008 at 8:00 pmOH MY LORD Rachel you have reached new lows. Now I’m really curious to know who else has experienced this!
July 22nd, 2008 at 8:06 pmhahahahahha.
i always clock Libby in the face all the time…and its funny she doesn’t react at all.Then like a good Momma,I always go…’Awwwwww Libby come here’ and I drown her in hugs and kisses.
I stabbed her in the eye the other day too with my finger…again no reactions.Its weird.
July 22nd, 2008 at 8:15 pmMaggie responds to this unwanted advance against her hump-victim here …
July 22nd, 2008 at 8:19 pmOw. Ow. Ow. Ow.
Did you use a nail brush when you cleaned up. I mean, there’s dirt and then there’s dirt under one’s toenails.
So what sort of content-based ads are you concerned about? Bestiality? Toe sex?
July 22nd, 2008 at 8:25 pmWe know, Rachel. That’s why we (also classless) lot loves ya.
Oh dear, still cracking a rib laughing here..
July 22nd, 2008 at 8:26 pmOkay. I admit it. I must be a redneck, since I found this LOL funny…
July 22nd, 2008 at 8:32 pmNo surprise here, I already knew I was a redneck, but the ads at the top of the page are hilarious:
Are you Killing your Dog?
Ask a Vet Online Now
Damn I want that Corona shirt!
July 22nd, 2008 at 8:51 pmI drink some Lone Star beer and I’m proud
I use to feel alone in a crowd
But now you look around these days
And it seems that there’s a Lone Star beer craze
I’m a redneck, he’s a redneck, she’s a redneck, we’re a redneck,
Wouldn’t you like to be a redneck, too?
I’m a redneck, he’s a redneck, she’s a redneck,
If you drink Lone Star beer, you’re a redneck, too!
Us rednecks certainly are a bitter breed
Clinging to our guns is what we need
Ask any redneck and they’ll say,
“Only Lone Star beer tastes that way”
I’m a redneck, he’s a redneck, she’s a redneck, we’re a redneck, wouldn’t you like to be a redneck, too?
I could have used “Stroh’s”, but out of deference to Rachel and the Great State of Texas. . . .
July 22nd, 2008 at 8:57 pmDude! I may have just lost bladder control, and I’m shaking uncontrollably as I sputter laughter at my dog, and the stupid black lab is looking at me like, “Put down the crack pipe, mom!”
I SO needed this tonight! Needing laughs! Thank you!!!
July 22nd, 2008 at 9:06 pmOh. My. God. Too fucking funny. I’d love to see the algebraic equation as to how, at that certain point in time, you managed to get your toe…uh, well, up Sunny’s ass. That takes either a certain skill, or just purely bad luck!!
July 22nd, 2008 at 9:16 pmWe’ve had several dogs, never had this happen. Not even once. I have stepped in warm cat puke in the dark, though.
I must be a redneck, too. I laughed like hell.
July 22nd, 2008 at 9:19 pmMy face hurts from laughing. Reminds me of when I tripped and nearly cornholed the dog with my walking stick….
July 22nd, 2008 at 9:29 pmJesus on a …anything.
I laughed so hard when I read this I had tears running down my face.
Yep, you’re not alone. Been there, done that.. bought the anal probe. That’s ma redneck T-shirt slogan right there.
My complete sympathies - but I LOVE the fact you’re redneck enough to blog about it anyway.
July 22nd, 2008 at 9:32 pmYour header ad. Three words.
“Gay. Latino. Dating.”
Eewww. I have refreshed this site a lot of times, but never seen this.
Please, for the love of god, no more digital semi-penetration posts. And why, why does “rednecks and dog butts” conjure up this ad? Ick.
July 22nd, 2008 at 9:54 pm*snort*
Poor Sunny.
;-P
July 22nd, 2008 at 10:01 pmI’ve been saving this for an anal-penetration post:
July 22nd, 2008 at 10:10 pmfukkit. how about another:
July 22nd, 2008 at 10:11 pmand now something a little redneck:
July 22nd, 2008 at 10:12 pmand another redneck: (while we wait for the first one to come through)
July 22nd, 2008 at 10:13 pmHaving no Wachel (nor Rupert) to warm my bed, I let my dog fill in — not in every way, mind you. But unlike we humans, who are content to roll left and right during the night, sleeping dogs sometimes rotate along two axes. If you think sticking your toe in a dog’s derriere is dismaying, wait until you wake up to a faceful of it.
[Edit: And yes, by your criteria, I must be a redneck because I found the story very funny.]
July 22nd, 2008 at 10:14 pmI got an ad for “Improve Dog Mobility”. That’s a heck of an algorithm to match that one.
Oh, and, yeah, I’m a redneck. LMAO.
July 22nd, 2008 at 10:53 pmWho wouldn’t laugh their ass off at that story. My face muscles hurt now. Reckon that makes me one more redneck to add to your fan base.
July 22nd, 2008 at 11:08 pm(Y’know, a real redneck would’ve let Sunny lick your toe clean!!)
Rachel, I don’t believe there is a response to this that could possibly be funnier than the actual post. And of course, your commenters are here to make your posts funnier. Really, that is why we exist. We take your mildly funny posts and make them stomach-churning hilarious.
Unfortunately, your post here has pretty much rendered us impotent. I am ROFLMAO at this one. It’s pretty gross, actually. Not as gross as having to pick up the severed head and body of a possum after its decapitation by my sword, but pretty gross. Yeah.
July 22nd, 2008 at 11:27 pmRachel Lucas,
“Nonetheless” and “resultant” are specific terms utilized consistently and repetitively in thesis and dissertation preparation. You post from a perspective-based, thought-process-focused emphasis entailing multi-faceted elements of eloquence, intellect, and research.
I am more than just sayin’ — H.
And thanks for the “meninlove.com” ad currently posted. YTF have your ads suddenly gone gay-man b/c of a “big toe in dog-butt” post. Just … wow.
However, there’s a redneckian “Shove-me Silverado” ad below, so balance has been restored to the farce. I think.
July 22nd, 2008 at 11:31 pmUTIA !!
July 22nd, 2008 at 11:36 pmSeveral things come to mind — now that I’ve stopped laughing long enough to actually attempt to think! — but they’re all pretty awful!
There’s that Frank Zappa lyric (oh dear, yes — there is a song!):
And then, for some odd reason — perhaps the mode of propulsion used to launch Sunny — stomp rockets?
July 22nd, 2008 at 11:40 pmFoot + Dog + Ass = Lots of Obama ads
July 23rd, 2008 at 12:18 amStepping on/kicking anything entailing (snicker) “warmth and moisture” in the dark is pretty gross!
I’m afraid I don’t gross out very easily in my old age, though, after too many years of dealing with the assorted orifices and effluvia of livestock — e.g. delivering a stuck, dead, goat kid? Actually, though, the delivery wasn’t half as unpleasant as my subsequent effort — so as to assure my poor, novice goatkeeper friend that the kid was, in fact, irretrievably dead — to render resuscitation (oh, the zoonosis potential there!).
I’ll take a little dog proctology over that any day!
July 23rd, 2008 at 12:21 amfelicity — dog proctology involves a different digit. On purpose. In the light of day.
Unexpected toe-in-ass-implantation as one prepares for sleep? Stephen King time.
I’ll take ripping out deer guts or dead-calf-removal delivery anyday. In the day. For me, that’s all clinical and thus studiable information. Cuz’ I know it’s what’s coming … SRSLY!
Different strokes for different folks, obviously, my girl : )
July 23rd, 2008 at 12:35 am14k,
The surprise factor is undeniably significant — especially to the semi-somnolent brain! But compared to a couple of weeks of wondering, “Chlamydiosis? Brucellosis? Toxoplasmosis? Listeriosis?” — I gave the wretched thing mouth-to-nose, fercrissake :P!
Dog bum? Soap and water, somebody mentioned a nail brush — not a bad idea! — a little more soap and water, just for good measure, and — voila! Ready for bed!
July 23rd, 2008 at 1:09 amWhat is the penalty in your state for sexually assaulting a dog? Just wondering….
July 23rd, 2008 at 1:48 amJust when I think I come back and come back and come back for the wonderful mockeries of dumbasses and Obama, I realize, really, there was never much doubt: I come back again and again because on any given visit there is a very real chance of a REAL LOL moment that will leave me feeling totally and completely liberated from the ugly that is being forced to live with dumbasses and Obama voting fucks.
July 23rd, 2008 at 2:42 amGod knew what he was doing when he thought of comic relief. He had to, he invented Obama and his voters and has been trying like hell to make up for it ever since.
In Alabama, they’d be married; in Texas, not so sure…
July 23rd, 2008 at 7:24 amhere’s another redneck pic I forgot I had:
July 23rd, 2008 at 7:31 amAlso, Rachel’s butt antics reminded me of a story I read from a commentor a long time ago on some blog:
dog’s laying on the bed with the guy and his wife (at night, it’s dark), and the guy is petting the dog and comes across a weird patch of skin. So thinking he’s found some problem area, he started rubbing and massaging the area to get a better idea of what’s going on with the poor dog, who probably had cancer or some weird skin disease, judging by the feel of the patch of skin. So he finally gets up and turns on a light and discovers he’s been massaging his dog’s ass. I think this even involved him saying “honey, there’s something wrong with the dog” so it’s not like he could just wash his hands and keep the secret to himself.
July 23rd, 2008 at 7:38 amWhen my nephew was about 2 and toddling around, he found that their Rottweiler’s butt was at just the right height for curious fingers. This was great fun! The poor dog got so he almost wouldn’t stay in the same room with the little pervert. It’s amazing what dogs will put up with in humans.
July 23rd, 2008 at 8:10 amI have no words.
I am not worthy.
July 23rd, 2008 at 8:22 amYes. It happens. I accidentally pegged Haley once. With my big toe. The second, third and fouth times can’t be considered “accidents”, can they? JUST KIDDING.
I wonder if Wendy is reading this. If so, she should own up and confirm the “accidents” she has had with her tongue, her thumbs, her nipples, etc etc.
Typical redneck? K. Not so insulting, really.
Typical Obamaphile/phite? Now, THAT is an insult.
July 23rd, 2008 at 8:26 amAll I’m sayin’ is thank God for Adblock Plus.
Oh, that and bwahahahahahahahaha!
July 23rd, 2008 at 8:30 am::shudders in horror::
July 23rd, 2008 at 8:30 amI cannot “blech” enough about this.
Jesus H in a volkswagon
yeah - well, have it happen with a cat (of the obese variety)… I never knew that pork chop could move so fast… and she damn near shredded my leg for it.
It pretty much goes with out saying - my apology was not accepted and sometimes she plops her ass down on my head when I am trying to sleep.
Karma is a bitch, my cat is a larger one
July 23rd, 2008 at 9:09 amRachel, this reminds me of a family joke concerning a relative from Dogpatch(Bakersfield). “you could always tell when he had visited your house. The toilet is stopped up and your dog is pregnant.”
July 23rd, 2008 at 9:10 amhate mex’kins? that is a corona shirt maggie is wearing. wus up with that?
July 23rd, 2008 at 9:24 amjust LOL
July 23rd, 2008 at 9:35 amall the funny comments are taken
A new day, and I’m still amused! I think it’s the image of poor Sunny’s launch that keeps giving me a chuckle. It is a very effective way of getting a critter’s attention!
In fact, the official, animal-science-approved way to ‘lead’ a single sheep is with one hand under the jaw and the other? On the tail, or the ‘dock’ of a sheep with the tail lopped off. Trouble is those darned docks: some of them are really short — a lot shorter than the fingers trying to grip them — you do the math!
maya,
Love the pic! Back when we lived outside of Bristol, we had an ‘elderly’* neighbor who didn’t keep a vehicle other than his tractor. A couple of times a week, he’d go trundling by on his Farmall A, often with his good wife standing up behind him, wearing her poke bonnet (which was both pretty and floral) — not exactly Rednecks in their case, though, just pure Appalachia! (think ‘Old Time’ vs ‘Country’)
*We were there from ‘88 -’92 — Otis was around seventy when we showed up. In those days, though, he could run the legs off The Boss, hiking the near-vertical boundary lines between our places — he was definitely the coolest guy in the cove!
July 23rd, 2008 at 9:35 amRectum? Damn near killed ‘em!
The above statement is never not funny. It will go down in the anals…er…annals of history as one of the top three funniest phrases of all time. And if you disagree with me, then you sir, are worse than the guy on the Redneck Test banner ad.
July 23rd, 2008 at 9:41 amCosmo wins!
July 23rd, 2008 at 9:45 amGod. I LOVE the ads ….
“Petplan — the world’s largest pet insurer”
What do you suppose the deductible would be on toe blasting? And how would you explain that to the vet/insurance company?
“Ummm … yeah. I was getting into bed …”
“Did I mention I’m from Texas?” ; )
July 23rd, 2008 at 9:48 amReminds me of South Park (as so much does), when they have their parody of The Crocodile Hunter “Alrigh’ I’ll jus’ put my thumb up ‘is butthole now. Ahhh, yeah, that really pissed it off.”
Thumb, Thumb-toe, not too different.
July 23rd, 2008 at 9:57 amthat is a corona shirt maggie is wearing. wus up with that?
Mexican Coors.
July 23rd, 2008 at 9:58 am14k,
pffft!
Oh, God! I just got the “Redneck test” ad — mullet alert! Gaaaaaack!
July 23rd, 2008 at 9:58 am. . . horrifyingly, I felt warmth and moisture
Had to stop reading there for just a second to collect and steel myself.
Oh yes, I’ve bumped into Dogliness in the dark many times. And in broad daylight. She does get underfoot.
Oh yes, I’m familiar with the Disgruntled Warning Grunt. The “Watch where you’re going, asshole” look. The unspoken drama of “Dog tryin’ to SLEEP here IF you don’t MIND.” All of it.
I, too, always apologize profusely — to the point of abject groveling. I’m so glad I’m not the only one who apologizes to their dog for the commission of unwanted touchings and jostlings. I just don’t want to be sued.
I’d never actually even thought about the possibility of a dog-rectum-human-toe union ’til I read this post. I mean, you walk around all day avoiding the dog toys and you just don’t stop to think how really bad it could get. You’ve done a great service here today. A great service.
July 23rd, 2008 at 10:01 amEverybody’s downsizing, apparently …
July 23rd, 2008 at 10:11 amThat’s really quite disgusting, even from a redneck point of view. The real question is, why do pets consistently choose to lie directly in the line of fire? We have several little critters, cats specifically. Judging by the reproachful looks, it is clear that the unintended kicks cause a degree of pain. Yet, the next time the lights are out…
July 23rd, 2008 at 10:37 amEw, ew ew ew ew!
But so freaking funny!
July 23rd, 2008 at 10:40 amFurthermore, leveraging Tully’s comments, as an expert in the field of redneck behavior, no self-respecting redneck drinks imported beer unless it is free. While free imported beer would be consumed, it would also be accompanied by taste complaints. To step up on the soapbox, why would god-fearing Americans even think about drinking Corona? The reason limes were originally used with Corona was to suppress the eau de sewage that accompanied the bottlings for many years [not to mention the lack of consistency in fill levels and bottle heights]. The fact of the matter is, there are really superior beers brewed in Mexico. Corona ain’t one of them. Try Chihuahua, Pacifico, Modelo Negro, anything but Corona. P. S. Fellow rednecks: What is the new brew of choice since our effete Belgian friends took over the King of Beers?
July 23rd, 2008 at 10:47 amIf ya gotta drink a Mexican beer with a lime in it, you drink Tecate from the can, ice-cold. And you drink it to quench the flame from the peppers in your Mexican food.
Negro Modelo is indeed a pretty good real beer.
I’m atypical redneck. I worked for a major U.S. brewery for several years in my youth, and as fr as I’m concerned most popular American beer is slightly hop-flavored alcoholic soda water with hints of dish soap. The microbrew revolution showed up just in time to keep me from swearing off beer for eternity.
July 23rd, 2008 at 10:50 amOMG! I almost peed myself. Rachel you are too funny!
July 23rd, 2008 at 10:51 amPOSER ALERT! A true redneck would think “effete” referred to what’s on the end of the legs and a “belgian”, if said redneck had even heard of it, was something consumed with syrup …
iowavette is a poser wannabe!!!
[tee hee]
July 23rd, 2008 at 10:52 amWell…I’ve been drinking Mich Ultra Lime-Cactus…
Do I have to change to maintain my redneck identity? Or does it go along with the Broadway musicals?
Incidently and completely OT - Saw Mama Mia, loved it. But Pierce Brosnan can’t sing, bless his heart. He is pretty to look at, though.
July 23rd, 2008 at 11:00 amThe cerveza of choice for Negro Magico?
July 23rd, 2008 at 11:14 amDo you always apologize profusely? Lots of scritches and pats of reassurance? Positive reinforcement!
OTOH, it can be deliberate mischief. We used to sleep in a sleeping loft, up a ladder. The Boss’s dresser was at the top, just to the left of the opening. Every night, I would kill the house lights and clamber up the ladder where, as often as not, I would trip over the cat. At first I was sympathetic, until one moonlit night when her evil intentions were revealed. As my head popped up into the loft, I happened to glance to my left, and there she was, hiding under the dresser, waiting to pounce on my ankles and send me to bed head first - again!
Tully,
Love it!!!
July 23rd, 2008 at 11:15 amAn excerpt from the article Jim Carson posted:
Ain’t that the god’s honest!
Great catch on the article, Jim. I need to stew on that “Magical Negro” thing for a bit. I’m picturing a post-Uncle-Remus Disney-fied black man. Hmmmm.
On a related note, here are the top 9 racist Disney characters!
July 23rd, 2008 at 11:18 amElvenPhoenix! I was just gonna rip on thqt lime-beer after Tully’s comment! I’ll hold back now, so’s I don’t hurt any feelings. I’ll just say I’m from the NW, where we brew beer with actual, you know, taste. That’s not an additive.
PS In the NW Sam Adams is pretty good shit, for some reason, although I’d stick with anything from Redhook, Pyramid, Widmir Bros., Mac&Jacks. Now in Maryland all they have is Sam. I can’t stand it! (my local lick her store has Redhook, but only two brews). What? I only claim redneckitude with the gun thang.
July 23rd, 2008 at 11:20 amTen tiny condoms before bedtime? Just a thought.
July 23rd, 2008 at 11:20 amOh, noes, maya. The withdrawal must be horrendus.
July 23rd, 2008 at 11:23 amYou need a pyramid heffy fix. I need to ship you some.
Email forthcoming …
Jim,
July 23rd, 2008 at 11:24 amHave you heard the Paul Shanklin parody song?
HOLY SHI** that needs a warning …
“Barack, the magic negro, lives in DC”
BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
July 23rd, 2008 at 11:28 amOh my god, Rachel. My sides hurt, my face hurts — I haven’t laughed that hard in YEARS, I tell you, YEARS! The last time I laughed that hard is SEARED, SEARED into my brain! Wait . . .
July 23rd, 2008 at 11:33 amUsed to drink Guinness, but had to give it up during pregnancy for those wonderful non-alcoholic beers with very little flavor. Now I can’t get the “taste” back.
Don’t worry, opinions on beer aren’t going to hurt my feelings. I prefer Jack & Coke to beer any day of the week.
July 23rd, 2008 at 11:34 amThe Paul Shanklin parody songs are the primary reason I listen to Rush. My all-time favorite is “In a Yugo.”
July 23rd, 2008 at 11:38 amOMG, Freakin’ hilarious. Made my husband laugh so hard he nearly choked! I don’t know if I laughed harder at your story or at my husband laughing really hard at your story! Either way, muh face wuz hurtin”!
July 23rd, 2008 at 11:42 amWell, IF your accidental doggie rectal exam had taken place in California (I mean GAYlifornia), then you would find that gay rights advocates and gay advocates for mainstreaming gay lifestyle and sex in Gaylifornia would be protesting at the legislature in Sacramento to have your behavior put into the sex education classes in Gaylifornia public schools as a form of “alternative mainstream” sexual behavior.
So, lucky for all those heterosexual Gaylifornia parents you are in Texas. Then again, one never knows how this will play out at the national level. After all, the federal Supreme Court struck down the Texas law against sodomy a few years ago. I’m sure the justices mothers are proud. Or, did they just wait until their mothers were dead before they made such a decision?
July 23rd, 2008 at 11:47 amJim, here’s the video for those who haven’t seen it. You have to watch it to fully appreciate the hilarity of this song!
July 23rd, 2008 at 11:50 am14K:
Pyramid heff is my favorite!!! after Redhook Blonde. (parents live a mile from Redhook brewery, so I feel a certain kinship, or devotion or something.) My parents were just out here, I should’ve had them smuggle some out for me!
July 23rd, 2008 at 12:00 pmOK, laughed till I peed.
Upon going back to the main page, I see an ad for Circuit City and their…
GRAND OPENING BLOWOUT SALE
July 23rd, 2008 at 12:05 pmReason number 133 not to have a foot fetish.
July 23rd, 2008 at 12:05 pmWe have a un-neutered male chihuahua. My wife will occassionally let him and a couple of the females sleep in our bed, only when they’re not “in season”. Anyway, I can’t tell you how many times that damn dog has snuck up to the top of the bed, plops himself down on my or next to my pillow and “tea-bags” me. I shit you not, I’ll wake up to be starting at his balls. That usually wakes me up in a hurry as I start swearing at the little crapstain. My wife finds it hilarious of course. Damn little dogs.
July 23rd, 2008 at 12:12 pmDare I ask what the others are …?
July 23rd, 2008 at 12:14 pmThis thread just gets funnnier and funnier …
holy god. my stomach hurts.
“chi chi” nards … dude. Tiny teabags, no?.
I’m picturing the taco bell dog “tu quieres my balls … well, aqui tenemos — enjoy!”
July 23rd, 2008 at 12:17 pmNow you’re talking! Tastes like liquid bread — if I can’t have stout, I’ll make do with a decent Porter (sadly, of course, Guinness doesn’t brew one any more — Sam Adams, which has chocolate in it :), or Sam Smith’s Tadcaster), but I have to confess to being a self-imposed lightweight (too much alcoholism and breast cancer in the old family tree!), so keep it to a half pint for me!
Anybody wanna split one?
July 23rd, 2008 at 12:22 pmPosts like this (and the resulting comments) are proof that Rachel loves us and wants us to be happy. Just look at what she goes through for our well being.
July 23rd, 2008 at 12:32 pmIf you like hoppy beers, a good Mexican one to try is Bohemia. It has more hop flavor than any American “macrobrew” I’m familiar with.
July 23rd, 2008 at 12:47 pmOkay, hi-jack attempt #7 or 8 [losing count]: Since the dainty yet still smelly French have now purchased another of my favorites, Wild Turkey, give me a list of other bourbons I should try. Maker’s is already on it. 14K, the adjectives are for your benefit. One requires obscure and sometimes multi-syllabic terms to appropriately define the Euros, but I’ll attempt to stay within my stated identity.
July 23rd, 2008 at 1:16 pmTruly, the French acquiring Wild Turkey is a more oxymoronic transaction than their purchase of Mack Truck several years back. Too bad they don’t make much that’s worth a retaliatory acquisition. Calvados, anyone? [Gag, retch...]
Back on topic: Is it my imagination or is Maggie about to break into a Flashdance?
July 23rd, 2008 at 1:28 pmRCHL started the booze schmooze … so, technically we ARE still on topic!
iowavette — I buy Pendleton for xmas gifts for other members of the faculty here — never had any complaints, although I never touch any kind of hard A.
Here’s an AWESOME list for you to try.
[The smell of hard A is another pavlovian thing with me ... the odor makes me want to pull a Sunny and hide in a dark corner away from the perp ... : ) ]
July 23rd, 2008 at 1:36 pmRachel, I laughed for about fifteen minutes at this post — no exaggeration — while my boyfriend looked at me like I was crazy. You are such a talented writer, don’t ever change!
July 23rd, 2008 at 1:37 pmyou brought ‘em - you rectum
rectum - I don’t even know ‘em
rectum - damn near kill ‘em
14k - Thank you so much for that. Buddy Christ kicks Muhammed ass!
and I am a little disturbed that I am now seeing a Best Western ad - apparently it’s the anal / beastiality hotel of choice.
July 23rd, 2008 at 2:00 pmAsk and ye shall receive:
July 23rd, 2008 at 2:04 pmSSHHHIttttt bwahahahaha *snort*
I usually stay in a BW when I am out recruiting … thanks for that. Now when I hear the people next door going at it I’m gonna be waiting for the howl …..
July 23rd, 2008 at 2:06 pmOMFG!!! I laughed so long and so hard I must be miles past being a redneck.
And due to all that laughter, my 2 year old managed to snag and devour nearly all of my half of our lunch.
…And now he just ran away with the plate… Thanks, Rachel.
July 23rd, 2008 at 2:16 pmDogette: I think I have that Paul Simon LP laying around in my garage somewhere–only a motion away.
July 23rd, 2008 at 2:26 pmHere’s what needs to happen to Rachel’s feet:
http://clipsyndicate.com/publish/video/648392?wpid=0
July 23rd, 2008 at 2:34 pmSunny, if this doesn’t make you want to put the pork down and get serious about losing some weight, I don’t know what will. You need to make that area a much smaller target for Rachel, because we know from past stories she’s not about to stop running into, umm, things.
‘Lose weight - if not for you, for your butt hole’
July 23rd, 2008 at 2:38 pmEEEEEEWWWWWWWW!!!!!
Some of the sheepdog trialists I know (whose dogs always sleep in crates when they travel — I swear!) like to stay in BWs because they allow dogs in the rooms.
When I trialed a lot, I just camped in the Ford-abago — thank God! — but I always attack hotel rooms with about fifty Clorox wipes before I settle in anyway — hotels, brrrrr!
July 23rd, 2008 at 2:46 pmTwo words. Sleeping bag.
July 23rd, 2008 at 2:48 pmPreferably a sleeping bag that has a hood
July 23rd, 2008 at 3:03 pmTwo more: Remote Control!
July 23rd, 2008 at 3:04 pmHere.
Real beer:
http://www.yuengling.com/beers.htm
July 23rd, 2008 at 3:28 pmCurrent Ads: YogaToes and K9 Immunity Critical Care.
I think they’re trying to imply that “Only you can prevent DoggieToeBlasting.”
July 23rd, 2008 at 3:30 pmI’m getting’ Circuit City and The Redneck Test.
July 23rd, 2008 at 4:04 pmCosmo:
And it’s against the law, it was against the law
July 23rd, 2008 at 4:07 pmWhat the Maggie saw, it was against the law
…
Goodbye to Maggie, the queen of Corona
Seein’ me and Sunny down in the hallway
Seein’ me and Sunny down in the hallway
Seein’ me and Sunny down in the hallway
Dear Rachel, please tell us you were wearing socks. Please! And by the way, how much Bud Light do you need to drink to actually get a buzz? I recently discovered Fat Weasel Ale at Trader Joe’s. Medium dark, not as hoppy as Sam Adams, and 7+% alcohol by volume. Tasty AND efficient!
July 23rd, 2008 at 4:16 pmAnybody else’s Mom-dar beginning to get shrill? Rachel always makes me twitchy when she goes quiet for this long!
Uh oh! What if she developed an infection from Sunny’s intestinal flora? The nail is a prime spot for incubation of some really nasty bugs, and of course, ummm, there is an inherent risk in, ummm. . . intimate contact?
July 23rd, 2008 at 4:16 pmEdit: Nevermind, she’s back!
Dammit, Rachel. Beverage warning!!!!
July 24th, 2008 at 1:00 pm“If you use roadkill as landmarks when giving directions, you ARE a redneck.”
I’ll just hafta plead the 5th on THAT one………….
July 24th, 2008 at 3:27 pmThanks, 14K. I typically drink light domestic beer because my ability to hold liquor, never good, continues to diminish. But after a particularly harrowing week, there’s nothing like a neat quaff of Bourbon. A Mich Ultra just won’t do it.
July 24th, 2008 at 3:54 pmI disagree! In my redneckian world, the road kill wouldn’t lay there long enough to become a landmark.
Instead, it would become ….
July 24th, 2008 at 4:03 pmBe glad you don’t have a horse.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqJ3ZPFHQaQ
July 24th, 2008 at 4:19 pmOr even worse
a _real_ hephalump… (AOL video)
July 24th, 2008 at 5:54 pmLaughter mingled with tears…doesn’t get any better.
Poor Sunny.
July 24th, 2008 at 8:16 pm14K, coffee spit warning, please! Bwaahhahaha!
July 24th, 2008 at 8:30 pm“pt-pt-ptooey!” That poor bugger!
I’m in pain!
July 25th, 2008 at 12:01 amThat’s the family-tree-don’t-branch branch?
July 26th, 2008 at 6:38 pmHeeheeheeee!
July 30th, 2008 at 2:35 pm