Ode to my Mama.
My parents got married in 1965 and their fourth and last child was born in 1972. That would be me. Mom was young, as brides tended to be back then - married at 17 and a full passel of kids by 23. She loved it. She loved being pregnant (always told me she felt healthiest then) and loved babies and loved being a mother. She didn’t go to work until I started school, and she used that time to do all the things you wish every mother did.
She made some of our clothes for us, she cooked all our meals from scratch, she kept a clean house, she was affectionate and sweet. Not to mention smart. I’m not sure about my three siblings but she’d pretty much taught me to read by the time I hit kindergarten and she took us to the library once a week for years and years. I knew from the time I could read and write that learning was the most important thing I needed to do.
She played the piano and taught any of us who wanted it how to play, too. We had an old beat-up upright piano with some of the ivory missing from the keys, and I begged her to write the names of the notes right on them. She did, and I became nearly surgically attached to that piano until I was grown and gone.
As we got older, even though she worked full-time by then, she still did all the things mothers do today that makes them so busy - three of us had weekly music lessons (violin for me and my brother, flute for sister Becki); she drove us and sat through the lessons. Must have been bored OUT OF HER MIND. She took time off of work to take us to things like my regional Spelling Bee in 6th grade. (I came in 11th place. Poop. Got a nice dictionary out of it!) She organized us like a well-oiled machine and would make a list of “chores” for us every Friday, to do when we got home from school. Even put us into alternating teams - Rick and Rachel do dishes, sweeping, mopping. Becki and Debi do laundry, dusting, vacuuming. I honestly don’t know how else you could possibly do it with four kids, it’s like a platoon or something.
I can’t detail every aspect of life during the 18 years I lived with my parents, but my overall point is that my Mom worked her ass off for us. Dad did too, of course, but it’s not Father’s Day yet. Heh. (They’re still married, by the way, with their 43rd anniversary coming up.)
1975 - comforting Becki. Nice pants!
We didn’t have much money back then. Dad had a good job with IBM, Mom worked as a secretary, and we had enough but it was tight at times. Four kids! I can’t even fathom how they fed us. Seriously. But still, we took trips, we saw the country, we saw museums, we were exposed to things many of my friends weren’t. My parents signed up for a weekly classical-music concert thing at the civic center-type place in town; we went to the Smithsonian when I was 9; we were probably the most well-read kids in the whole neighborhood.
It wasn’t all perfect; but that’s what makes us normal. My parents went to a church none of us kids particularly cared for very much and that caused a lot of conflict in later years. But do you know what? I’m glad for it. I’ve always thought that if everything had been done exactly as I wanted when I was growing up, I’d be a real asshole by now, out in the real world where almost NOTHING is how you want it. And the thing is, at some point you have to ask yourself if whatever your parents did that you didn’t like was done out of their true, sincere belief that it was the right thing to do. I asked myself that question and the answer was yes.
And the other thing, more apropos to this post, is how my Mom, intentionally or not (I really don’t know, need to ask her) subverted the worst parts of what that church was trying to teach her three daughters. It was one of those churches that treats women like second-class property. “Wives, you exist to reflect your husband’s righteousness” - that kind of shit. According to that church, the ONLY goal of girls should be to learn how to be a good wife, find a husband, and spend the rest of your life reflecting his glory. It made me want to vomit. But that awful lesson just never, ever “set in” with me and my sisters.
1982 - fashion show! Debi had such hot boots.
Mom didn’t sit us down and say, “you know, the church is wrong.” It wasn’t words, it was actions. All she had to do was treat us like individuals, like real human beings with our own worth completely independent of what any man or church had to say about it. We each had our own talents and our parents fostered those as much as they could even within the confines of the church rules. Dad was a lot more “into” the church and quite a bit more of a hardass about it but even then, he still treated us all as worthy individuals who had more to offer than being someone’s wife. (In fact, when I was 19 and on a road trip with him, he told me NOT to get married anytime soon and to get my ass in college post haste, but of course I didn’t listen. That’s why I didn’t get my degree until I was 31. I’m dumb.)
Anyway. She was a good mom. That is what I am trying to tell you. But being a good mom has its price, and for her, that price was never being able to seriously pursue or achieve her own personal goals that had nothing to do with her husband or children. One of those goals was to get a college degree. After my two oldest siblings left the house, Mom started taking night classes at the local community college, one at a time. She did that for years, one class here, one class there. Working full-time and with two teenaged girls at home, it wasn’t easy but she plugged away. Not to mention that there was absolutely NO moral support on this subject at church, which was her main social outlet. But she did it anyway.
By the time all of us kids (and one grandchild they helped raise until he was 5 - not mine!), were gone and out of the house, Mom was in her late 40’s. She had a good job that was rewarding in many ways, so she concentrated on that for many years. But at some point in her mid-50’s, she realized that now there was nothing to stop her. So she put on the figurative helmet and boxing gloves and she started kicking some ass.
While still working full-time, she started taking night classes at the community college again. Some of the courses she’d taken in the distant past transferred and some didn’t, so she had a full two years of prerequisites to knock out. I am sure it was quite the nightmare for her, but she got straight A’s. I’m talking solid 4.0 GPA with no exceptions. At first she was just going to shoot for an associate’s degree but she realized there was no reason to stop there. So instead, as soon as she finished all the prereqs, she enrolled at a 4-year university. I can’t remember exactly when but at some point while at that school, she was able to finally quit her job because she had scholarships and such. Dad made enough money to support them of course, but I think Mom still wanted to contribute, and besides she was at a private school, which was expensive.
She earned her bachelor’s degree in no time, with a perfect 4.0 GPA, in 2004. By then, she knew what she wanted to do: teach at the college level. So immediately after finishing the BA, she enrolled in the Master’s program at another university. One year later, she had it. Again with straight A’s and honors. Right out of the gate, she had offers from various community colleges, technical colleges, and even her alma mater, to teach. None of these are full-time gigs, of course; they give you one class at this campus and two classes at another, for example, and you get paid by the class, not a full-time salary. But sucked it up and drove all over the Metroplex for a year or so, doing that.
Over a year ago, she got the job teaching where she is now, one of the best private universities in Texas (and the nation, actually). She plans to start working on her PhD this fall.
Mom turns 60 this summer, and she is finally doing a paid job that she truly, truly loves, for the first time in her life. She never gave up, never said it was too late or it would be too hard and just wasn’t worth it. She just did it. Sometimes I’d worry about her, working so hard on her degrees even in the face of health problems and all the crap that comes up in life, but then I would think to myself, she managed four ankle-biters at once, she can manage this. And she did. And now rich, spoiled college kids call her “Professor Lucas.”
And people wonder where I got my attitude about stupid girly shit; maybe this will clear things up. I was raised by a woman who went from housewife to secretary to college professor; who raised four children to be decent, hardworking adults; who has stood by my father for 43 years through some extremely difficult times; and who always made me understand that my most important asset was not my uterus or my house-cleaning skills, but my brain. She’s not perfect but I wouldn’t want her to be because then I could never relate to her.
Her own mother died when Mom was 27 years old and Mom’s younger sister, my aunt, was 16. I can’t fathom what it would be like to lose your mother so early in life, and I’m immensely grateful that I’ve gotten to witness what a woman who is also a mother can accomplish beyond the child-raising years.
So Happy Mother’s Day to all women who have done or are doing what I never will. I respect you in ways you may not understand based on what I’ve said in the past about having babies. The thing is, knowing how hard it is is precisely why I don’t want to do it. I admit that I’m too selfish and too lazy to be a good parent, and that automatically means that I fully grasp the weight of what you have taken on. That’s why I admire it so much.
Mom and my brother Rick, 1967
This post is for not only my Mom but all of you. And for Rupert’s mom, who I’m sure is having the best Mother’s Day of her life because her only child does not have to go to war again. And for my Grandma, Dad’s mother, who I don’t write to enough. And for my sister Becki, who has had some very rough times with her son in the last few years. I love all these women and hope they know that they are appreciated even when it doesn’t feel like it.
Talk about an entry that can make one feel inspired! Your mom sounds like an amazing lady, someone that all women can honestly look up to. The part that got me was the going back to school and doing something that she truly loves. There are few things that are more rewarding than that.
May 11th, 2008 at 2:53 pmHappy Mom’s Day!
Wow. What can I say, your Mama raised you right, girl! What a nice tribute to her. Thanks for posting it.
May 11th, 2008 at 2:54 pmHey Rachel, know how you were looking for a list of what a “Real Woman” is? You could do far worse than drawing attributes from your own mother. She sounds like she was a Real Woman, and a damn fine one at that.
May 11th, 2008 at 3:02 pmI second Taylor D’s notion
May 11th, 2008 at 3:21 pmAhhhh… I’m blushing! Thank you for such accolades. You’re pretty special, yourself, Wachel, even if you have a potty-mouth. Luvya.
May 11th, 2008 at 3:25 pmJulie took my word. I wanted to say Wow! first.
You’re a lucky lady, Rachel, and it’s good to see that you know that. I lost my mom 13 years ago when I was 60 and she was 89. That was 38 years after my dad died and after she had raised 11 children. She never remarried but she sure learned how to live. I had a sister that worked for an airline so she could get mom tickets at employee prices and mom used them to see the world. The rest of us put in the extra cash she needed and away she went. It was as much fun for us as it was for her. She had certainly earned it.
May 11th, 2008 at 3:27 pmWhat a sweet post!
Reminds me a lot of my mom — also had 4 kids, also went back to school after the last was born.
She went from “lab slave fired for getting pregnant” to “VP of biotech company” and now she’s like curing cancer or something. She is, quite often, my inspiration.
May 11th, 2008 at 3:37 pmMe :::: bawling :::::
Such a perfect Mothers Day post.
Thank you Rachel.
May 11th, 2008 at 3:49 pmYour mom is so inspiring. I love this post.
(And she really rocks those plaid pants!)
May 11th, 2008 at 4:01 pmHappy Mothers’ Day to the mother of Our Empress!
We wouldn’t have had the chance to take over the world if it hadn’t been for that selfless day in ‘72.
Thanks, Rachel’s mum. I don’t have to say that you have a lot to be proud of because you’ll know that already.
May 11th, 2008 at 4:13 pmWhat a great post! Thanks for the kind Mother’s Day wishes, Rachel.
May 11th, 2008 at 4:28 pmThat was beautiful Rachel. We are lucky to have wonderful, inspiring mothers who make us better.
May 11th, 2008 at 4:33 pmWhat an excellent and loving post. Wonderful!
Many thanks, Rachel.
May 11th, 2008 at 4:35 pmBeautiful. I would say more but I must go wipe the tears.
PS. Very happy for you and Rupert.
May 11th, 2008 at 4:52 pmYour mom is everything I am aspiring to be and it gives me hope for my own four ankle biters. Kudos to your mom.
May 11th, 2008 at 4:56 pmHappy Mother’s Day, Mrs. Lucas!
And thank you Rachel, for the post. I’ve never had a great relationship with my parents and we almost NEVER communicate - but thanks to you I was reminded me to call mom and wish her a Happy Mother’s Day, despite our many differences.
I think she appreciated it.
May 11th, 2008 at 4:56 pm‘I admit that I’m too selfish and too lazy to be a good parent”
Don’t think so, just look at the happy life you give your dogs. How could anyone raised by someone like your mom be a bad parent? Answer, you couldn’t. Whether you ever have kids or not, when you have them you rise to the occasion, they bring more joy to your life than you can imagine don’t believe me? Ask your mom!
Happy mothers day from yours and all your readers puppies!!
Dogs rule!!
May 11th, 2008 at 5:01 pmTell Mama Lucas that the rest of the blogosphere wishes her a Happy Mothers Day, too.
May 11th, 2008 at 5:41 pmThe story of your mother very closely mirrors mine. I won’t go into the details because they so closely match.
But that’s what made your post so special. I called her today and was enormously happy just to talk to her.
May 11th, 2008 at 6:04 pmWhatever. My mom was a self-centered hypochondriac who couldn’t even be bothered to make an occasional meal. Her laziness and spending drove my dad to an early grave. Glad all of you are so jazzed about today. Push off.
May 11th, 2008 at 6:17 pmErm…ZZ, I feel for you and I’m sorry that you didn’t have a mum like mine or Rachel’s.
What can we do for you? Wanna hug?
May 11th, 2008 at 6:33 pmThank you for sharing this wonderful tribute to your Mom. I was able to finish this comment once I wiped the tears from my eyes. I grew up in the same church and my mom raised four with my Dad not part of the crazyness. She also went back to get her degree in social work as a late 50’s woman. She also refused to be limited by the beliefs of that church.
May 11th, 2008 at 7:17 pmThanks for the post, Rachel. My Mom raised 8, with me being # 6. She’s smart, way smarter than my Dad. She also married young, the summer after she graduated HS. My Grandma insisted she get her degree. She gets down sometimes, saying that she never did anything with her life. My oldest sister has pointed out to her that she raised 8 kids, no felons, no drug addicts, and no alcoholics. And all while being married to a complete dick.
The nice thing about 8 kids is, she always has a place to stay as the weather changes. She’s 75, but still travels on the interstates visiting all of us, only returning home to be with her sisters.
May 11th, 2008 at 7:28 pmRachel, this was a beautifully written post. I hope your mom sees it or you print it out for her. It’s no wonder you are as smart as you are - your mom is an incredible role model.
BTW, Sunny wishes you a happy Mother’s Day! Look at her over there - yawning and curling her tongue, wagging her tail. She’s a happy baby.
May 11th, 2008 at 7:28 pmI would love to have your mom as my professor. She obviously did such a great job teaching you.
May 11th, 2008 at 7:39 pmThis is a wonderful tribute. I know that you know how lucky you are to still have your mother to talk to whenever you call. In August, it will be 5 years since my mother died from her emphysema. I still miss her often as, once I got past the adolescent rebellion, she was my best friend. We could talk for hours about almost anything. Even now, I think about calling to share something with her, and then realize that she’s not there. But I’m glad that she was there for me whenever I needed her when I was growing up.
{{{HUG}}} *sniff*
BTW, long time reader, first time posting, and I’m glad that R is coming home, too.
May 11th, 2008 at 9:46 pmI lost my mom in ‘78, when I was but a young USAF A1C of nineteen.
Thank you Rachel, for letting my mind open memories…good memories of a most loving Mother.
I’ll never stop missing her.
Jim
May 11th, 2008 at 9:47 pmSloop New Dawn
Galveston, TX
Instalanched.
May 11th, 2008 at 9:58 pmreading happy stuff like this always breaks my heart. my mother ignored me for 29 years and stole my identity to run up credit cards. i’m afraid i’ll be a terrible mother just like her.
May 11th, 2008 at 9:59 pmRachel, being a parent is the greatest thing ever. Ask your mom if she was ever sorry. You get more than you give. You were wrong about college, and you are wrong about kids. You would ask yourself every day- what was I waiting for?
BTW, your mom is great, but MY mom is the best.
May 11th, 2008 at 10:01 pmRob F:
“Wanna hug?”
No, what I want is for our society to quit elevating women to some artificial level of nobility just because they managed to get pregnant and squirt out a kid. I wasn’t aborted. Thank you. My mom spent nine months giving me life, and then spend the next THIRTY YEARS sucking every ounce of it back out of me. Similar to many of you who are reading this. Let’s stop enriching Hallmark by praising people who are just doing what biology demands of them.
May 11th, 2008 at 10:17 pmWow - what a contast to Michelle Obama
May 11th, 2008 at 10:20 pmCool tribute to the top moms, and I’m sorry to hear about the moms who did things badly. Goodness isn’t guaranteed, and it’s a lot of work, as the post demonstrates. My own mom tried, and fell a bit short, and as a parent, I’m about in the middle, but it’s still nice to have the good things remembered.
Rachel, send me privately, teaching where in Texas? I’m going to be visiting Texas schools professionally this summer.
May 11th, 2008 at 10:35 pmI agree with the notion stated somewhere above that your mom is a shining example of what a “real woman” is.
May 11th, 2008 at 10:39 pmBeautifully done, Rachel. Although most of us would expect nothing less from you. Yet, another, perfect post.
May 11th, 2008 at 11:19 pmIn the late ’30s, my Mom was a jazz pianist with her own band in NYC before getting married. She gave all that up to return to Oklahoma to raise me and my sister and work at office jobs (she did play the occasional gig at the O-club at Tinker AFB). She always seemed to feel she was an inadequate mother, but we grew up with clear instruction on right and wrong, and surrounded by music of all kinds. She encouraged a humane view of life; I know my ideals, and BS detector, are due to her.
ZZ:
I am truly sorry you were dealt such a crappy hand. Do you suppose that with your attitude, YOU might be sucking the life out of someone?
May 11th, 2008 at 11:37 pmZZ, as much as I sympathize with you (my biological mother was no picnic to live with either and when I heard she’d died I felt a great deal of relief and wanted to have a party) I don’t see this as elevating Rachel’s mom - or any other woman - to nobility. Mother’s Day isn’t about that. It’s about telling your mother thanks for dealing with all the crap you put her through.
Some of us had shitty mothers (like I said, when mine offed herself I was shocked but not unhappy) but now I have a step-mom who treats me more like her daughter than my biological mother ever did. And she married my dad a couple of years after I was out of the house and stationed in Germany.
As much as I hated my own mother, I have to give props to mothers who deserve it and Rachel’s mom is a classy lady who definitely deserves props.
To Rachel’s mom:
For giving us Rachel, you rock!
May 12th, 2008 at 12:29 amI started to say that someone as competent as you mom should have had a thousand kids….but as a professor now, she does!
God bless you and your mom and thanks for this wonderful post. Best thing I have read on Mother’s Day.
May 12th, 2008 at 1:38 amI’d say Potty-Mouth Wachel has the bestest mom, EVAR - except this Potty-Mouth thinks HERS IS PRETTY DAMN GOOD, TOO.
Seriously, folks - what a loving tribute and the love shines from each word.
Nice job.
*snif*
P.S. Zz? We’re not “elevating” women who do just what “biology demands of them” because if we were, would be celebrating mothers who eat their young at birth, as well. Instead, we celebrate the nurturers and caregivers (remember Father’s Day in June).
May 12th, 2008 at 3:15 amThere is a good reason why they are called the greatest generation. Hard-working, loving, purpose driven, education loving, I could go on and on. Thanks Rachel, sounds like my Mom. She lost my dad when she had four kids ages 19 to 9. Things were tough before my dad died, we never went out to eat, but she could really cook. But my Mom quit her minimum wage secretary job and we survived two years on Social Security survivor benefits while she got an Associates Degree in Nursing with honors. What a woman!
May 12th, 2008 at 4:49 amRachel….fantastic post. I never thought to find personal inspiration from your blog, just some common ground…But I am a 46 year old man who is going to get his first ever AS degree this month. I was starting to think that I would stop there as I don’t really need the BS and it would take so long….but Your mother’s story has re-inspired me. I don’t “Need” the degree, but I love learning and while I have succeeded marvelously in my chosen career (computer related) I think it is now time I get the formal education that the people I work with and most of the ones who work under me already have. Thanks for the Ode to your mother, and thanks for telling her story because it has helped at least one other person.
May 12th, 2008 at 5:28 amGreat tribute, I’d love to send my girls to attend class your mom is teaching.
Sounds like your mom needs another grandchild,good moms make good moms…your turn.
ZZ don’t project your issues on others.
May 12th, 2008 at 5:30 amMrs. Lucas, just out of curiosity: What was your major, and what subject are you teaching? And congratulations!
May 12th, 2008 at 7:18 amGreat post Rachel. My mom died in an accident when I was 11, but until then, she was just like your mom. Did everything for us kids. Being of a different generation, I’m not exactly like her as a mother, but I think I’m doing a pretty good job with my son.
Thank Mrs. Lucas - you did an awesome job!
May 12th, 2008 at 7:26 amChrist. ZZ, go swallow a bottle full of chill pills and get over yourself.
You had a bad mother. Whoop-dee-frikkin’-doo for you. The rest of us had GREAT mothers.
My mom used to sit me in her lap and read to me since before I was even old enough to turn the pages myself. I credit this with why my reading skills were consistently higher than any of my peers from preschool to the 12th grade.
May 12th, 2008 at 7:34 amPam Maltzman Says:
Pam, thank you, and thanks for asking about my education. My major was communication studies, both undergraduate and graduate. I teach Interpersonal Communication, Interviewing, Group Dynamics, Instructional Communication, Public Speaking, and the dreaded-by-most-freshmen Fundamentals of Speech.
Thanks to everyone for your kind comments. I appreciate hearing such wonderful praises from people I’ve never met. And to reiterate, it is never too late to pursue your dreams. Life is too short to not go for it - do it for yourself.
May 12th, 2008 at 7:46 amWow!
My mother’s education stooped at Grade 8, which was pretty common for women in Germany in the ’30’s. But she never let the lack of formal education stop her. She raised 4 kids in spite of an alcoholic husband, working full time and raising us. She worked her way up from cleaning other peoples houses to owning her own business, until she was forced to retire at 55 by a heart attack. Still going strong at 80, I have to work hard to convince her that her driving skills are no longer sharp and the 3 day drive from Alberta to Michigan is just too much for her.
When we see what our parents achieved while living with REAL problems, it makes the current generation seem … well, let’s just say I don’t hold a lotta hope for the future …
Congrats on raising a great family, Professor Lukas … it sounds like I need to rethink my opinion about college professors … LOL
May 12th, 2008 at 7:56 am“You had a bad mother. Whoop-dee-frikkin’-doo for you. The rest of us had GREAT mothers”
No, “the rest of us” did not. A large percentage of us had shitty parenting, as do a large percentage of our KIDS.
But since we’re apparently celebrating in Candy Land on Lollipop lane and everything is nice and bright and shiny, those people can shut the hell up and put on a big facade so nobody else’s fun is spoiled.
The day isn’t called “GOOD mother’s day” or “Non-alcoholic mothers’ day”, or “Non-lazy mothers’ day”
May 12th, 2008 at 8:13 amIt’s just MOTHERS day, the implication being that EVERY mother should be praised and fawned over for no other reason than being a mother. Sorry to rain on your parade.
ZZ- get over it. I had a nasty woman for a Mom. had a PhD from Oxford, but was a totally nasty person. Abusive- bad enough that had we lived in a civilised country like the USA , rather than in bumfuck India, she would have been sent to jail for child-abuse and murder!!!
Having said that, I am sorry, ZZ that you had a mom who didnt treat you right. I know what you had to go through,and I feel for you.
But for heavens sake, you are an adult now. Get a hold of yourself, grow up, and live life like a normal person. Dont sit around bitching and whining and hating all moms.
Or hating all women. If you cant do it on your own, go and see a good clinical psychologist, unless you want to go thru your entire life acting like an angry, nasty person, who no one want to be around.
Rache- great post, really made me feel good.
May 12th, 2008 at 8:38 amZZ:
What do you possibly have to gain by coming in here and being an asshole? Whatever it is, my blog doesn’t exist for that gain.
I wrote a nice post for MY mother. Your mother was mean and I’m sorry for that. But what you’re doing is just as tiresome as it would be if every time I wrote something nice about my boyfriend, you said, “Yeah well MY romantic relationships have always sucked.” Or if every time I wrote something nice about my dogs, you said, “Yeah well every dog I ever knew bit me.”
I mean, yes, that is unfortunate, but why deliberately, actively TRY to denigrate something loving and good that I am sharing about my life? If you need to vent about your upbringing, do it somewhere else.
P.S. My mom says you need to quit whining and appreciate the things you DO have. It’s good advice that I’ve taken a time or two myself.
Everyone else - thank you. I love hearing your own stories.
May 12th, 2008 at 9:00 amOkay, good enough. I am well rebuked and will count my blessings.
May 12th, 2008 at 9:36 amSo much to catch up on after a weekend away…I spent my Mother’s Day doing what I love best: watching baseball. For 12 hours straight. Yeah, there is such a thing as too much of a good thing.
First of all, Rachel, great tribute to your Mom, as you focused on what is obviously important in her life: education and diligence and achievement of one’s goals - all valuable life lessons.
Second, I’m very happy about your Rupert news. I can understand how he feels about being unable to serve (again) due to medical reasons, but I also appreciate how relieved and excited you are. Two sides of the same coin.
Third, hilarious LOLdog of Sunny disdaining the microphone - she owes no man an explanation… she is SUNNY, after all.
Last:
Murder?! Really? Now I’m curious.
May 12th, 2008 at 9:42 amHow would you know? You don’t know any of us. You don’t know what our childhoods were like.
I myself had a great childhood and a great mother. I wouldn’t trade those experiences for anything. And aside from Wolverine1, neither would anyone else on this thread, either.
The only one bitching and moaning about terrible mothers is YOU, sir.
Well golly-gee-willickers, I had no idea a “large percentage of us” had bad parents.
Sheesh, overanalyze much?
No one ever said we should “praise and fawn over” mothers simply because they are mothers. The only person I have ever heard portray Mother’s Day that way is YOU.
May 12th, 2008 at 9:44 amMy mother was mentally ill. Abused and treated me like dirt. However, HER mother, my grandmother, stepped in and taught me what a real mother was.
Now that I have three children, I didn’t continue the cycle, and they are all working, no major problems, and I have five beautiful grandchildren. But you have to make a conscious effort NOT to continue the patterns of the past.
May 12th, 2008 at 9:59 amUnfortunately ZZ is apparently a product of our “Victim” mentality thinking, something bad happened in “my Life” so Im going to be bitter and blame all my failures on that, “Im a victim and Im not responsible for my flaws”. Give me a break. We each make our own destiny and with hard work and a desire to succeed, the USA is the best place in the history of humanity to do just that, succeed. If you cannot make it here, you can’t make it anywhere, put the past behind you quit blaming everyone else for your failures and just decide to do what you want to do, what you need to do. Good parents make it easier, they don’t make it easy.
May 12th, 2008 at 10:07 amMy mom is not nearly as tenacious (!) as your mom, but she was always there for all seven, yes seven, of us kids, and none of us is a felon, and all of us have become functional adults. It was not a cake walk. Turns out we were poor, but that never occurred to us. Must have been her attitude.
May 12th, 2008 at 10:11 amSheesh, guys, I said I was wrong. Put away the bullwhips.
May 12th, 2008 at 10:27 amDearRachel,
I think I detect the Floating Baby Head ™ in the “1982 - fashion show” picture. More Baby and Little Rachel pictures!
And I cannot help regret that there will not be another starry-eyed girl one day musing about her wonderful Global Empress (R) mother. Maybe if you watch enough Firefly (or BSG or AI or whatever) you will spontaneously impregnate. After all, you are already the first scientifically documented instance of Spontaneous Ovulation. (do you get a mention in the medical textbooks?)
May 12th, 2008 at 10:29 amv/r
mike
Thank you Rachel for your post about your wonderful mother. She sounds a lot like my mother. In addition to being a housewife, she put so much effort into music lessons, library, museums, sports leagues, scouting, etc.
Sometimes I look back at the way things were for our mothers and think that it was actually better for women to have had their children early while they were fertile and had the energy to raise them and then concentrated on school and career later in life.
I see so many women who are 30-40 plus who don’t have much of a career, nor do they have any serious prospects for marriage and children…and they are not happy.
May 12th, 2008 at 10:35 amRedhead Infidel - about my mom back in backwaters part of India. She still lives there with my dad. Yes,I did have a sibling who I dont remember. Nobody talk about him, but, I have heard rumors that he “died of a strange illness when he was a toddler”, but,my mom caused him to die of ’shaken baby syndrome”. My dad confirms that. However, since our family in India were rich and connected, my mom was never prosecuted for murder, or the severe beatings and the 2 skull fractures that she inflicted on me!!
May 12th, 2008 at 11:46 amMy dad, who is kinda spineless, tells me that he never migrated to the US, due to my mom’s opposition to that idea. Seems she knew thatshe couldnt not mistreat her kids and her husband and others around her,and get away with it, if my dad migrated to the USA.
Some folks are crazy, a’int they?
ZZ,
My apologies. I didn’t refresh the page before I posted so I didn’t see your 9:36 post.
May 12th, 2008 at 11:48 amRachel, beautiful post. Your mother is an inspiration to all of us.
May 12th, 2008 at 12:40 pmNo wonder you turned out so well! Your Mom has given us all a blessing in you.
Now I have to get back to raising mine — hope I do half as well!
May 12th, 2008 at 1:24 pmHey, wolverine and ZZ, I had a rotten mother too. It was a useful education, though. When I was raising my own kids and ran into difficulty, I’d stop and ask myself, “What would Mom do?” - and then I’d go and do the opposite. Worked every time.
Rachel, that was a delightful post about your mother - she sounds like a wonderful woman, and it was a joy to read about her going back to school in middle age and getting her degree (I’m on the same trek myself, right now). A timely reminder that it’s never too late.
Best wishes to both of you.
May 12th, 2008 at 1:45 pmIn terms of feminism, I think mothers such as Rachel’s (and mine) did the best job. They never told us that we could do or be anything— they just showed us.
Of course, the funny part is that when I got pregnant, Evil Rob was very nervous about bringing up the idea of me being the primary caregiver. Heh. That’s another thing Mom taught me— raising kids is worthy, just like having a career is worthy, and it’s not a step down to go from one to the other. In either direction.
May 12th, 2008 at 3:02 pmRachel, what a wonderful post. Once again you have touched my heart. Thank you for thinking of me on this special day. I know why Rupert loves you so much!
You’re fortunate to have such a wonderful mom; hope to meet her soon. And yes, I had the best Mother’s Day present ever! We’re soooo relieved. Take good care of him. Dare I say ‘baby’ him?
May 12th, 2008 at 3:52 pmRachel,
An most excellent post.
I too, had one of those moms too. She wasn’t perfect. She just took care of her only son. I too grew up in Church. I went by choice.I was never forced. My Mother let me make my own decisions as to which Religion I wanted to be a part of.
She was strict, but she loved me, and I knew that.
ZZ, I feel for you man. I know Mom’s who did their kids like that. It’s a sad thing too.
Me and Dad got Mom cards and a plant. I wanted to get her 10 dozen of roses. But, I couldn’t afford it. She’s such the understanding soul.
Thanks again Rachel!
-Chuck
May 12th, 2008 at 4:05 pmThis is a wonderful reminder that even if your Mom didn’t do a great job, life is tough enough at times, kids or no. Rachel, your Mom is a real mensch! We need to hear more about people like your Mom who remember how to be human.
ZZ, my Mom has been mentally ill for my entire life, who knows how many years before that. Poverty, neglect, abuse, you name it, it happened. Hating her is a complete waste of time, and takes away from living in the present moment. Accepting her as she is saves me from an enormous amount of suffering.
People stepped in when needed and now I have a network of surrogate parents that cross many time zones. But I had to open my heart to that love. This helps when I fret about being a crappy parent! (No ankle biters yet. Still on the fence.)
Happy Mother’s Day to all. Even if that means learning to nurture yourself.
May 12th, 2008 at 5:05 pmRowwwrrrrrrr….. Your mom’s kind of a babe and she is almost my age. Alas, I’m still happily married though so I’ll just have to admire from afar.
Joe
May 12th, 2008 at 5:50 pmMy wife put her life on hold so that I could have the career and education that I wanted. She raised our kids, made their clothes, taught them right from wrong, and you wouldn’t believe how closely aligned her life is with your mom’s. I promised her that when she was ready, I would sit back, quit traveling, and let her get her degree (which she has wanted for so long) … She graduated Saturday (May 10th) Magna Cum Laude with her Bachelor of Arts. I am so proud of her.
Tomorrow, she starts on her Master’s work.
May 12th, 2008 at 6:03 pmZZ- whatI have learnt from my life experienceis this- you hae to let go of the anger. In my case, I moved to the USA,and started a new life, with new friends,and people who care for me.
May 12th, 2008 at 6:31 pmIf you still are angry, you are still letting the person who did you wrong control you.
Your goal should be to get away from your mom’s insanity, not to jump back into participating in her insanity all over again.
Best of luck to you,my friend……….
Hi, Mrs. Lucas: I envy your students! I have always admired good teachers. I also admire you for the fact that you taught your kids things, and that you had things to teach them.
Although my father moved us around a lot, good teachers helped keep me sane through times when my parents weren’t doing their job too well (especially my father).
I also see you as an inspiration because of (1) how you raised your kids, and (2) now you’re doing something else which you love.
To ZZ and other folks who have gone through abuse and crappy times: I’ve been there and done it too (mean, paranoid father; mother was better to me), and I can’t say that I’ll ever be totally free of the influence… but I’m not dead yet.
I’ll be 55 this summer, and I intend to have the last 20 years (or however many I have left) be a lot better than the first 20 years were.
I did go to see a psychologist early on, but I also found something else that helped: Every once in a while, I’d get out of my comfort zone and do something that scared me.
If you let your life go totally down the tubes because of bad early influences, you’ve basically let the bad folks win.
May 12th, 2008 at 11:39 pmWow. I wish I had a mother, period. One like yours would have rocked out loud. I aspire to be like that to my three so I can someday bask in such glowing admiration. No, seriously! I want to deserve to be thought of like you do your mom.
Hey, isn’t that fashion show picture the one you used to have on your banner with the little girl head?
May 13th, 2008 at 1:12 amOr maybe not … hmmm must remember … can’t see anything before the Maggie’s humped up behind banner as became the official movie critic of rachellucasdotcom …
Wow, you and yer mom look so much alike.
Oh, and I’m in love with Debi. Don’t tell ‘er, though.
May 13th, 2008 at 10:28 pm