People do some seriously weird shit.
I don’t even know how I found this but I have an irresistible urge to post some quotes from it just to see what happens to my content-based ads. Here are snippets from :
A morbidly obese man with a large abdominal pannus (image at right) came in exhibiting red, irritated skin around the abdomen. It looked like a routine skin infection. But what was the cause? During the exam, I lifted the pannus and a turkey sandwich fell from between his folds. The man said it was about a month old, which the smell confirmed.
A woman living alone with multiple medical problems came in complaining of odor and itching of her feet. In what was left of both of her feet wet gangrene had taken over, along with hundreds of maggots. In the folded skin in the groin were more maggots.
Periodically, men have arrived in the ER with the same complaint: “Doctor, my junk is purple.” The culprit is always a metal cock ring that got stuck. I’ve learned that regular ring cutters available in the ER don’t work. The time it takes to get more powerful (and cringe inducing) wire cutters does not help calm the patient’s nerves.
A woman came in complaining of pain in her pelvis, so the doctor put her in the stirrups and performed a pelvic exam. He immediately removed the problem — a set of car keys. The woman explained she didn’t want her boyfriend taking the car, so she hid the keys in a place where “he never goes”.
I don’t know if any of these are actually true but it wouldn’t surprise me even a little if they were. My sister-in-law worked in ER for years and has told me about maggot infestations, usually in homeless people. And I myself worked for an OB/GYN for a while and I can tell you that, yes. Occasionally women come in with “objects” in their…gynecological regions. It’s usually something not horrifying but still gross, such as old tampons or condoms, but one of the doctors I worked for swore that he’d removed more than one double-A battery from women who hadn’t understood which end of their, uh, “toys” to use. And I once saw with my very own eyes a small vegetable being ever-so-carefully extracted from a place IT SHOULD NEVER! HAVE! BEEN!
There. That should do it. My blog will be unreadable by morning because very bad things are going to happen to my ads or the comment thread. I feel like a real champion of worlds right now. This is quality blogging, people. Quality blogging.
Re #3: What’s the difference between pink and purple?
Your grip.
August 5th, 2008 at 6:29 pmEeeeeewwww….just…eeeewww.
‘Nuff said. I don’t even want to think about the upcoming Demotivators.
August 5th, 2008 at 6:42 pmA mini gherkin?
August 5th, 2008 at 6:53 pmWell, this is a better topic than the last one. That’s all I can say.
August 5th, 2008 at 6:54 pmOhhhhhh! That veggie thing grossed me out but good. But I like the way you specified “small” vegetable, perhaps trying to minimize the horror? Like saying “small gerbil”? Heh.
This is some quality commenting right here.
August 5th, 2008 at 6:55 pmAs incredible as it sounds, I’ve had such stories as you tell confirmed by friends and family of mine who also work in the health care industry. Boggles the mind what some people will do. It reminds me about the Larry the Cable Guy joke about his cousin thinking a malted milk ball in the crack of her butt was a tumor. LOLOLOL!
August 5th, 2008 at 6:59 pmOh, I work in the ER and I can attest that those stories are probably true. And believe me when I say that there are even worse…but the maggots…ewww…once you see them in real life buried in human flesh and clinging to the bacon the doctor has used to “remove” the maggots…your appetite seriously changes towards certain foods…shudder…
August 5th, 2008 at 7:10 pmA man came into the ER where I worked with one of those large Maglites (the one that takes 5 D batteries) up his hiney. Funny part was he said he was drunk and fell on it. It had been up there a while When the surgeon removed it from his colon, it was on.
August 5th, 2008 at 7:10 pmI once was involved in care for a patient who had decided to … ummmm…. “Bobbitt” himself. He was just doing what the voices told him to do. Almost as crazy was the fact that after he was medically stable we couldn’t get Psych to take him on their service.
August 5th, 2008 at 7:14 pmshit yeah, it is!
I didn’t comment in the last post because I couldn’t typographically define my rage at the dogs being shot.
August 5th, 2008 at 7:29 pmCurrent ad… ” Vaginal Self Examine, Learn how to give yourself a V.S.E. for your reproductive system.”
Well done on the ad’s, Rachel!
August 5th, 2008 at 7:30 pmheh heh heh. I finded a gross picture to post. just you wait.
August 5th, 2008 at 7:31 pmI am SO glad I was not eating - I would’ve hurled. I had to read your recaps because the pictures grossed me out. Yes, I’ll admit, I’m a wimp. I always think that I’m immune to such things, but people never cease to amaze me. Good God!!
August 5th, 2008 at 7:31 pmSo this is what you read in your spare time?
August 5th, 2008 at 7:44 pmyou’re welcome
August 5th, 2008 at 7:44 pmOK, I need to find an icepick and blind myself now.
August 5th, 2008 at 7:48 pmJesus in a butt crack. How does one get a turkey sandwich lodged in a skin fold?
Oh, must be Michael Moore.
August 5th, 2008 at 7:50 pmheh. virginny. that’s funny.
Here’s another picture that got lost in the ether on the Sunny’s stoned thread.
August 5th, 2008 at 7:51 pmhey, where’d my pen go?
August 5th, 2008 at 7:55 pmMY EYES!!!!! MY VIRGIN EYES!!!!!!
August 5th, 2008 at 8:00 pmThe turkey sandwich wiped out my hunger, and the “purple junk” shriveled up all remaining libido, so I am left modeless. Division by zero, indeed.
August 5th, 2008 at 8:10 pmtummy tuck tummy tuck tummy tuck…vaginal self exam…DESIGNER HANDBAGS(?!?) and HEP ALGORE SAVE TEH ENVIRO-MENT!!!!!
I come from a medical family. If any of those stories are false, don’t worry, there are ones just like them that are gospel truth.
Oh Rachel, I drove by your area day before yesterday and waved from the other side of the metro. I woulda stopped and hollered, but I believe that my tires would have melted if I’d quit moving, and the family would have become insta-BBQ if the AC had shut down for even a moment. Our only hope was to flee farther south for COOLER weather.
August 5th, 2008 at 8:19 pmUuuhhhmm. I advise students in the health sciences field and worked in medicine for 15+ years. Let’s just say I have a little collection of anomolies, so I’m going to go here JUST A LITTLE and I’ll try to be fairly tasteful and gentle.
This is bad. The insect came from Brazil. I’ve seen this removed, but not from an eye. Don’t enlarge this.
Nailguns. Through hands, usually, are another total winner.
August 5th, 2008 at 8:21 pmWhere’s that tip jar? Must. buy. Wachel. better. drugs.
August 5th, 2008 at 8:26 pmNow THAT’s “full of fail.”
August 5th, 2008 at 8:31 pmYay! Here’s my two cents. A friend of mine is an ER nurse in Sunflower County, Mississippi. That is where the Mississippi State Peniteniary is. Her stories are pretty gruesome because the usual victim did not want said items in his mud ditch.
Think “softball.” Regulation softball.
August 5th, 2008 at 8:36 pmHere’s a lovely story about a young woman who GREW A NIPPLE ON THE SOLE OF HER FOOT.
August 5th, 2008 at 8:38 pmWhere in the hell do you find this shit? OMG.
August 5th, 2008 at 8:53 pmDiabetic foot tragedies are sad, but that case of Dunlap’s Disease is just plain scary — “done lapped over his
belt bucklekneecaps?” — how do you get to that point??????“Virginny” — pffft!
14k,
August 5th, 2008 at 8:54 pmA cousin of mine worked in the Panama Canal zone for a while; had a lovely batch of bots emerge from her back — brrrrr!
Right in one. “I” (with assist, of course) pulled three out of a guy’s left shoulder. I have pics, but can’t post them.
August 5th, 2008 at 8:56 pmI have typed up medical reports for items in strange places in the human body.
One guy had a toy baby bottle up his butt. He swore up and down that it belonged to his son, and that he just happened to fall in his living room and the bottle just happened to go up his butt.
Another person had a lightbulb up his rectum. The bulb broke. He had to go to surgery.
Typing up stories like these are bad enough. I don’t know if I could handle direct patient care.
August 5th, 2008 at 9:09 pmAnd one more. I once saw one stuck in a vase [shudder].
August 5th, 2008 at 9:24 pmOkay. So I was right.
I REALLY did not want to see those Demotivators.
UGH.
Curiosity is such a b***h.
August 5th, 2008 at 9:35 pm14k,
Careful, Rachel’s gentleman commenters will all be walking funny, that is, if the “purple” language didn’t already hobble them up — oy!
Still, I can’t help thinking of that Mr. Bean episode where he got is hand caught in the teapot. And Homer Simpson with the vending machine.
Truth stranger than fiction? Much?
August 5th, 2008 at 9:43 pmour gentleman commenters
Gentlemen? Where?
August 5th, 2008 at 9:47 pmEarlier comment removed — too mean. The guys here are the best!
The ads are definitely getting weird: buttery spread? Psoriasis creme? Earlier there was one for a gastric band — medical supervision included!
Feels like I’ve walked into a Root Boy Slim song!
August 5th, 2008 at 9:50 pmHoly living faroook!
This is why I never went to lunch with my friend who was in nursing school. Now that she’s a nurse practitioner…I still don’t go to lunch with her.
I am now going to excuse myself and go vomit. Have a wonderful evening.
August 5th, 2008 at 10:04 pmWhile we’re on the topic of health issues (albeit stupid shit ones, not related to your manly man, but…)
O HAI RCHL:
moar
August 5th, 2008 at 10:34 pmI dunno about any of the rest of it, but the image accompanying item #4 is just a pair of standard electronic technician’s wire cutters / strippers. These couldn’t cut through anything more substantial than a stout fingernail.
FWIW.
August 5th, 2008 at 10:35 pm14k,
Just scrolled back up and saw the “nail gun fight” — yikes!* Reminded me of That and the joke about a Redneck’s last words before committing suicide.
*I have seen a framer accidentally fire one through his shoe and slightly into his foot, though — owie!
August 5th, 2008 at 10:43 pmNow that feels more like we’re the little virtual guys in a video game, and Rachel has just decided to drive the bus into a wall or over a cliff — just to see what happens. Kind of like when College Girl and I get bored on AIM and start testing to see which words will cause lightning to strike our “WeeMees.”
Heh.
August 5th, 2008 at 10:54 pmOh, Rachel - you’re the expert to ask!
Tell me please is it medically possible that a woman (admittedly, of modest dimensions - wearing size 4) can be hospitalized with broken pelvis after a fall on a sidewalk being unexpectedly pulled by her middle-size dog?
A very interesting story, if you ask me
August 5th, 2008 at 11:09 pmBlechita. I have so many for this thread it would gag you all to death. I won’t share pics, but suffice it to say — prolapsed anal and uterine vaults due to stress and age, scalp wounds festered and maggot ridden, reeking of gangrenous tissue, pus-filled STD lesions and tramautic tissue/skeletal injuries due to sheer stupidity … the list just goes on and on. Oh, and I might add, an entire museum quality display of genetic abnormalities that, if you saw them, would have you shuddering in BOTH you kitchens and your sleep. I have been perusing my pics looking for appropriate blogfodder, but Rachel’s so very right, people REALLY do some seriously weird shit — that just should not be pictured.
The best part — these young people with whom I work see this all, and more, during their internships, job shadowing, temporary positions, internalize it, hang tight with it, and come unload it — with me! And despite the foreshadowing, they STILL want to be doctors and veterinarians.
I think the world of my students: their intellect, desire and professionalism would make you all proud, as well. Their single-minded goal of making a difference in the world would impress you. And yes, most of them are, for want of a better phrase, “conservatives in training.” They start off naively believing their contributions can absolutely change the whole world, but soon accept that they can only work to better their own tiny little corner of it. And in the interim, profit from doing so. It’s easier to be a liberal when you are broke and owe your uncle for putting you through the mechanisms, as many alumni say. Start having the government chip away at what you have worked so hard to achieve — not so much.
What an asshole killjoy I am. I so very much want to impart the reality of the best part on the upcoming generation with you all, especially given the ridiculous gratuitous media focus on some of the more visible ill-behaved juvenile delinquent members. Suffice it to say that I work with young people who are so excited about medicine and politics that they are already planning their appointments to Surgeon General. And none of them visualize themselves appointed by the O(MG)bamessiah (thus far).
Sorry. I suck. Out loud.
August 5th, 2008 at 11:19 pmMy mom was an ER nurse during my formative years.
Favorite dinnertime stories:
The hunter that dropped his shotgun, and blew his man-parts all over his left leg. With full description.
The guy that fell in the woods, and had a stick enter somewhere under his chin on the right, and exit somewhere to the north of his skull. And walked into the ER, stick and all.
The guy that decided to use the nailgun to hammer in a board from the other side, and powered a nail into his right eye.
The guy that was impaled by a forklift at the local stadium, between the machine and the stadium wall, who came into the ER with the fork still in him.
And that’s just the beginning. Gerbils (as well as various inanimate objects) stuck in rectums, permanent limb severing, sucking chest wounds…this was average dinner table conversation. not to mention the dirty jokes.
I am pretty much immune to TV and, really, real-life violence. but people wonder where my weird, morbid sense of humor comes from.
August 5th, 2008 at 11:45 pmGet a load of this….
Includes an x-ray of the result of a concrete enema mix.
How are there so many stupid people ?
=========================================
Then there’s the woman who asked the ER Dr. if he would insert a DC-7…..
LOL
She meant a “Copper 7″ IUD.
****************************************************
August 6th, 2008 at 12:02 amfrancis,
My daughter was pre-med until two weeks ago, when she announced that she would rather be in the ER talking to her patients than in the ER doing triage. Not a judgement call on the docs, simply an assesment by a 21-year-old who has been working in the field, assessing the reality and deciding her field of choice.
I am so pleased in regards to your mother’s sacrifice and dedication. Thank you so much for sharing the realities of the world with her and not freaking the fuck out. ‘Cuz, that happens, as you are certainly aware.
August 6th, 2008 at 12:04 am14k Says,
No. Actually I love hearing about your students (and “the divine Miss K” — new plans?) — very encouraging!
As for the blech, since corruption is the way of all flesh, why not engage in a little dark humor if it softens the blow? Taboos against the subject are for those who have yet to embrace, at the “gut” level, if you will, their own mortality, no?
August 6th, 2008 at 12:33 amI’ve seen worse things consciously expelled from the rear in pornos. Maybe if we all practiced a little anal penetration and muscle control, late night “living-room I-Tripped” mishaps wouldn’t result in trips to the ER
I kid. Kinda.
August 6th, 2008 at 12:45 amI heard that Al Gore tried to smuggle in a ‘65 VW Beetle from Mexico.
Stuck it up his butt.
Found there was plenty room left for a bus full of illegals.
And a box of Little Debbie Snack Cakes.
Yup, that’s what I heard, alright.
About Al Gore.
And his butt full of bus.
August 6th, 2008 at 1:01 amOkay this is the last time I attempt this. My comments are disappearing from two computers.
A (now dead) high profile television presenter got a marmite jar removed from a place it really shouldn’t have been.
And 14K you asked about ‘taking the piss’ - this might explain it -
August 6th, 2008 at 2:06 amAs I have always seen it, the fundamental, core difference between liberals and conservatives is this: liberals have far too much faith in human nature, and conservatives see the human race for what it is. Maybe that’s depressing, but everything seems to make so much more sense to me when I remember this distinction.
Whenever I read stuff like the ER anecdotes Rachel cites, it reminds me that there are gazillions of people out there who are so f-ed up that it comes as no surprise that Obama actually has a chance.
August 6th, 2008 at 4:08 amTrue story here…happened to my wife in her third year of medical school. A Jamaican woman came into the ER complaining of pelvic pain, so my wife, under the tutelage of a resident doc, put her in the stirrups and began an exam. She took a look, blinked a couple times, then called the impatient resident over to look.
“Madam,” the resident asked, after he too blinked a few times, “Are you aware you have a (now dead) turtle in your vagina?”
Patient: “Oh, yes, the witch doctor put it there…it’s for fertility.”
Stranger than strange. And my wife still went into emergency medicine. It’s a great field for stories.
August 6th, 2008 at 7:25 amfelicity, you’re awesome. Gallows humor is most definitely an unspoken rule in medicine, as well as law enforcement. And you are so totally correct about the visceral reaction/mortality issue!
For your entertainment and edification, a clincal description of what the process of removing a (in this case, a light bulb) from the rectum actually entails. It’s amazing the long term damage inserting something into the rectum and being unable to remove it can actually cause.
Oh, and laughykate, thanks! I’ve heard of “getting pissed” and “taking A piss” but never taking “the piss.” That’s an awful lot of piss.
August 6th, 2008 at 7:35 amThis is the first post that I wish I’d never read.
Bleuuurgh!
August 6th, 2008 at 7:37 amRe: 14k’s lolRPRT.
Just yesterday I was wondering how he’s doing! So RCHL, how’s he doing?
August 6th, 2008 at 7:53 amReminds me of a Line on “Scrubs:”
(x-ray of a light bulb up the fundament)
Dr. Cox: “Either this guy has a light bulb up his butt or his colon has a great idea.”
I laffed.
August 6th, 2008 at 7:59 amPlease don’t kill me, mommies!
August 6th, 2008 at 8:10 amwhere was the “Not Safe for Breakfast” warning?
August 6th, 2008 at 8:45 am14K …. I can’t manage to top your nailgun x-rays, but I do have personal one (x-ray that is).
August 6th, 2008 at 8:53 amAfter a lifetime on managing never to be in a hospital for anything except working (Air Force medic back in the day) and visiting … I managed to abuse a nailgun.
LAST friggin’ nail on the roof of the shop I was building (24×32) and the hose wouldn’t quite let the nail gun reach to that last corner of the last sheet of plywood. I reached around behind me and pulled the hose and heard a BANG and thought “what the hell was that?” Turning back around to look (I’m kneeling and sitting back on my heels), I see a 3-1/2″ spike sticking out of my leg just above the knee. Maybe 1/2″ sticking out. My first thought was “damn, that’s gonna hurt”.
Lond story short … I’m on a roof. Stood up, walked across the roof. Climbed down the ladder. Walked to the house. Rand the doorbell. Wife drove me to ER. X-Ray shows that I bent the spike into a pretty “L”. Nailed it dead center right through the femur. Have the x-ray and spike as souvenirs.
Rachel, this one isn’t stupid human tricks, but does fall into your category of horrible medical stories, and torture of the elderly.
August 6th, 2008 at 9:40 amRe: The guy with the turkey sandwich.
Maybe he responded to an email SPAM message for Pannus Enlargement and got more than he bargained for.
August 6th, 2008 at 9:58 amI can vouch for the accuracy of the turkey sandwich story. A good friend of mine was doing his medical rotations at Pomona Valley Medical Center in Pomona, CA about six years ago. As a public hospital, they provide “free” services to some of the local yokels.
One of the “yokels” came in for an exam. She was morbidly obese and smelled horrible (according to my friend). He said they pulled back “some folds” and located a ham sandwich, orange “snacks” (presumably Cheetos or Cheez-its) and clumps of lint/hair.
You are now free to vomit about the cabin.
August 6th, 2008 at 10:04 amI had friend who was an ER nurse on the midnight shift. She used to regale me with stories about the things she used to help remove from areas that are, by design, EXIT ONLY. Not that I begrudge however people get their freak on, but losing a pair of vice grips-internall- that someone else was using while trying to extract a latern bulb from your ass is a sign that something has gone horribly awry with your sex drive.
Now I’m reminded of the intro to Mallrats, which I’ll try to remember as best I can:
For the record, if you’re shoving live rodents up your ass, you have serious problems.
August 6th, 2008 at 10:17 amNot actually in a body cavity (at the time), but when wifey worked at a Jag dealership, some lady with a new Jag came in because her electric driver’s seat didn’t work anymore. Mechanic found a dildo wedged under there.
So the mechanic changed the batteries and charged her $85 for an hour of labor. Just kidding. I don’t know how they actually handled it (other than with gloves!), but the lady never came back.
August 6th, 2008 at 10:19 amOkay, here’s some stuff that’s mildly gross, terribly funny, and not medical. I think we all need a chaser after all the horrible medical stuff.
August 6th, 2008 at 10:24 amFriend Victor tells me horror stories he hears.
One thing he hears is gay men getting shotglasses stuck up rectums. According to his third-hand account, two gay guys get drunk doing shots, GGA wants to have sex, playing catch while GGB pitches. GGB is either too drunk to fuck or doesn’t want to fuck GGA, so he uses a shotglass as a penis-substitute. And according to Victor -again, this is third-hand account- the only way to get the shotglass out is to drill a hole in it to release the vacum.
Another horror story Victor told me is from the Bosnian conflict, about a whole village was massacred because a drunk guy from the neighboring village was found with a Slivoviz bottle stuffed up his behind. Drunk said it was the guys from the neighboring village, friends of drunk get outraged and go massacre folks in the neighboring village. Of course when the drunk hears this, he tears up and confesses it was actually he who stuck the bottle up there.
So much pain and suffering could be remedied from this world if people would remember it’s an OUT hole, not an IN hole.
August 6th, 2008 at 10:34 amNo offense intended on the “cee you next Tuesday” word, ladies. It just worked better for the comment.
August 6th, 2008 at 10:54 amMaggots are good, they actually only eat the dead flesh, they don’t touch the living, healthy stuff. In fact, maggots are a viable treatment available for medical use today.
The Ads, seriously, ‘match.com’ followed by something to heal my cold sores; too weird.
August 6th, 2008 at 11:01 amOkay, since we’re on the gross vibe I feel no shame in linking to this video on youtube.
August 6th, 2008 at 11:26 amWell that link shit didn’t work so ya’ll will just have to go out to youtube and view that guy who get’s his head stuck up an elephants butt all on yer own.
August 6th, 2008 at 11:27 amAm I a terrible person? Instead of being revolted, I’m giggling like mad at some of these stories. Including the poor little fellow with the fork in his nose.
I think I must be destined for hell.
August 6th, 2008 at 12:37 pmSo I was sitting here reading your blog through Bloglines, and for some reason, I thought I was reading someone else’s blog, someone who isn’t as good as you (who is, girlfriend?). I read the post about the Olympics, and I was like, “Hey, I was gonna blog that! But this does the job, so I don’t need to.” Except the fact that you’re unpatriotic; if you don’t love the Olympics, the terrorists have already won. But I agree about the thing with the masks. It ticks me off that they even apologized to the Chinese, who are trying to kill us.
Anyway, I moved on to this post, and I was like, hey, that’s a great post! This person is really blogging well today! He/she reminds me of Rachl Lukis today!
And then I got to the next post and saw that your name was at the top.
So it turns out I’m just retarded.
August 6th, 2008 at 1:23 pmblechy
August 6th, 2008 at 2:25 pmhas looots of such stories from student doctors and ER staff.
some favorites:
“What I learned… Make sure to figure out whether there is something in your vagina or whether you just have to crap.
Oh if you come in with a salsa jar in your rectum, don’t give the staff a fruit cake as a thank you present.
When attempting a self-circumcision do not use dry ice to numb the area… and when the dry ice sticks to the… a…. area, do not attempt to remove the ice with boiling water.
If your dentures do not stick to your gums, probably not a good idea to superglue them on!
Despite your recent success at cutting off your own arm with a steak knife, you probably do not need to cut off your scrotum and testicles with said knife.
If you’re a 13 year old girl with a long arm, fiberglass cast on it’s totally OK to go swimming at the beach (she didn’t even try the usless bag with duct tape trick). When your dripping, sand filled cast starts to itch be sure to use a bent coat hanger to pull out all the cast padding. Since that won’t work (I swear I’m not making this up) go ahead and pour salt down the cast on the assumption that it will soak up the water. Once your arm is a red, macerated mess come on down to the ED.
Aside from the stupidity of this course of action this girl also had a weird affect so I asked if she was developmentally delayed. This thoroughly annoyed the girl and her mother but the dad said, “Well I can see why you might think that but no.”
Whatever you do…never, ever, EVER only have “only ONE drink” before driving, serious consequences could result.
If somehow a ping pong ball should make its way into your rectum and you cannot retieve it, do not mix yourself a cement enema–as this will only make your problems worse.
(I did not see this in person, but saw the radiograph. the hardened cement block was removed under anesthesia.)
If it is late at night and you are hungry, the old chinese food and hunk of cheese that have been floating in a pool of fish blood at the bottom of a cooler full of fish and bait in the sun all day are a bad choice. The amount of projectile vomiting will be impressive.
If you are 17 and very drunk and are brought to the ER with a face that looks like hamburger and an upper lip that needs to be put back together, please just say you got into a fight. We would prefer not to know that someone bet you $20 that you couldn’t punch yourself unconscious (and you won).
#2- That if you are a lieutenant colonel and you’re going to shove your pager (his military issued pager complete with the clip holder thing) up your ass, and need to go to a hospital to have it removed, a few pointers:
a. Don’t go to a military hospital
b. If you are going to go to a military hospital, remember not to go to the one on the base you work at.
c. The respiratory therapist (me) shouldn’t be asking you for the pager number, not even “because we have to have the number for the report.”
d. Don’t be surprised when the ER staff amuses themselves for several hours while waiting on an OR to become available, by paging you repeatedly and watching you jump.
If you have vaginal vault prolapse, it is a good idea to put a potato up your vagina to prevent the walls from collapsing. After you’ve left the potato in there long enough that it begins to sprout, take yourself into the local ER and exclaim, “There’s a tree coming outta my virginy!”
If you just came out of rehab for cocaine, restarted your habit, and decided you’re hungery, opening several cans of beef stew (and dog food?) and pouring them all over yourself is a good idea. It’s an even better idea to then rip open a large bag of sugar, pour it on yourself, and commence licking everything in the trailer (including yourself) that is covered in said sugar (oh, did I mention the pt was a diabetic?). When the cops and medics arrive, lick them too after they try to pick your 300 lb, half-naked, glazed self off the floor and toss you onto the cot with gloved hands stuck in a GI Joe kungfu grip. As they are putting you in the back of the truck, please, grab the door and try to pull yourself out while screaming your only intelligible words (and official chief complaint), “WANT MORE SUGAR!!!” Once in the back, throw around the 200lb EMT like a rag doll, while the other two try to get IV access and realize that the monitor doesn’t read through glaze. Later in the ER, if you become thirsty after your afternoon’s exertions, you should definitely pull your foley out from the bag, and make yourself a complete circuit as you siphon urine from your penis with your mouth.
After you bring your 775 lb body to the ED to w/u a foul odor from your rectum and upon examination (with one person holding up the left buttocks with all his might) a lost television remote is found abscessed inside your gluteal fold, by all means, ask if you can have it back because you were tired of changing channels with your cane and by throwing objects at the television. Really, there is no need to question just how or why the remote is there….“
August 6th, 2008 at 2:38 pmSimilar stories told by tattoo and piercing artists:
“A guy in the shop was tattooing a heavier-set woman. She was laying on her side as he was tattooing her midsection. He asked her to twist and stretch her body upward a bit more to stretch the skin. As she stretched, a McDonalds Coke straw fell out of one of her side folds and onto the floor.“
August 6th, 2008 at 2:58 pmOh, and #6 on 8 Crazy stories…#6 can happen with pumpkin seeds, too. Only at the hospital in Abu Dhabi they don’t use tweezers to pick out the mass. Even though everyone in the Middle East eats the whole damn thing, shell and seed, better try to shell them if you’re not used to them or just buy the already shelled kind. Just sayin’.
August 6th, 2008 at 3:47 pmd. Don’t be surprised when the ER staff amuses themselves for several hours while waiting on an OR to become available, by paging you repeatedly and watching you jump.
Ok, this got me laughing myself breathless!
August 6th, 2008 at 11:11 pmLast night, after reading this blog…we had a young man come into the ER with a toothbrush (bristle-free) jammed into his penis…just saying…this stuff is almost common for us. One night a nice, older couple came in to have a dildo removed from the husband’s back-side. The ER doc had gotten elbow-deep trying to remove it before calling in a surgeon…Another night a man came in (before I got there and this was related to me by the surgeon) with a specially rigged truck hitch stuck up his back-side. After the surgery the man asked to have the hitch returned…oh, so many, many more stories I could tell….
August 7th, 2008 at 12:26 amYou win. EEEEWWWWWWW [hurl].
That’s just NASTY! Talk about exit only … I can’t imagine anyone getting pleasure out of that, having listened to Mr. M tell me that the worst part of his shattered bones and near-death experience was the pain and indignity of the catheter!
August 7th, 2008 at 9:40 amI have a friend who is a flight medic for the local ambulance service.
His family bought him a tee shirt that says “Don’t do it, if you will have to explain it a paramedic.”
He has tons of stories similar to the above. And he seems to like to share them during meals. For some reason, most folks don’t like to sit with us when we are eating.
August 7th, 2008 at 10:54 amMale readers and those with a delicate constitution might want to avoid this one:
IIRC I actually checked this out in the late 90’s when I still had access to the original - I don’t think it’s Snopes-Fodder.
August 7th, 2008 at 8:27 pmOMG. This shit had to hurt.
August 8th, 2008 at 12:18 pmWhat’s the big deal about the veggies in the vaggie?
It’s just an alternative way to make pickles!
August 11th, 2008 at 8:44 pmSeveral years ago while working in the ER, a female presented with an “annoyance” in her vaginal region. Upon examination is was revealed that several cherries had lodged in there. After leaving the room with two nurses and laughing our heads off, we returned and I soberly asked her how they got there. She said that she was laying in bed, nude, watching TV and tossing cherries up in the air and catching them in her mouth. She offered that she had missed a few and that they had bounced off the bed and “popped” into her vagina.
August 13th, 2008 at 4:58 pmGerry,
As you are well aware, she was just caught in an attempt to reclaim her virginity by popping some cherries back into the cherry-hole someone else had popped.
She was attempting to de-pop her own cherry.
Dear god, thank you so much for sharing that.
August 13th, 2008 at 11:36 pm